In regard to OM's dependability/integrity... you're absolutely right, he is not 100% either of those things. But, to me integrity and dependability is not a YES/NO issue. For example, I consider myself an honest person, I rarely if ever lie. But, of course I cannot say "I have never told a lie." Does that mean I'm not honest? I don't think so. Likewise I think my OM is a "good guy" with more integrity than most. He was faithful for 13 years to his W, and now just because in this one (admittedly major) area of his life, he is temporarily "divided" (without integrity) that suddenly means he lacks integrity as a person? I don't agree. MANY guys would have bedded me by now or tried to. MANY would have lied to me and falsely promised me they were going to leave their wives. REMEMBER, 80% of ALL marriages will eventually deal with infidelity at some point in their duration. SO, by your standard for "integrity" you are then saying that 80% of marriages contain one or two people who have none! That's a pretty outrageous standard... I think it's a matter of degrees, not at all a black and white thing. But we can disagree about that, I see your point.
About the contradictions... very interesting, you would make a good cognitive psychologist!
The first one you mention... about how I loved H's certainty about me, and how OM does not have that certainty. I don't really see that one as a contradiction... they are two different men... individuals, right?... so they each have different things I like and don't like.
The second one you mention IS a true contradiction... that I say I like to be pursued, and H tends not to do that, so I complain, but then I pursue OM, who does not pursue me. I am not saying this makes SENSE, but my FEELING about it is that (before the A) H had no reason not to pursue me (sexually)... no good excuse... I am his wife! (Not that he never he never pursued, just not as often or as "you know" as I would have liked). However, I have tolerated that OM does not pursue me, true... because of our situation. If OM pursued me, while not intending to leave his W, I would take offense at that. He would never do that... he is not some skirt chaser, and normally has no problem turning down female advances, of which he gets plenty. This was a very difficult situation for him (and me) to keep in perspective, because we knew each other thirteen years ago. Not an excuse, just the reality of the situation.
But yes, I do like a man who has conviction about me, and right now that is neither H nor OM, and DON'T THINK I haven't considered tossing BOTH of these faint-hearted bozos out of my life and starting fresh. That just seems a little extreme... like throwing the babieS out with the bathwater.
