VERY insightful of you to point out that "projection" goes on a lot in these types of support forums. I realized that was exactly what was happening, but was not cool-headed enough to let it ride, nor did I want to call it what it was..."projection"... and have you all think I was some snotty psychology student who was going to start throwing around a lot of psychobabble.
I do realize there may be some "contradictions" in my posts, as you say. I am in a state of intense conflict, like most others here seem to be, so that's to be expected.
As far as my "cruise control" state... YES it's a problem... just like the many here trying to DB their butts off for years and getting nowhere are also in a kind of "cruise control" at this point, if they are honest with themselves. DB is great, but at some point maybe another type of DB is sorely needed... Denial Busting.
My cruise control is partly a stall, I realize!... but it's also got some wisdom behind it. It is better not to act until you can act with convinction. Some here are DBing with their hearts but not their brains, or with their brains, but with no heart. That's not for me...
When I try again with H, I want my whole self to be in it, and that can't be possible till I'm totally DONE with OM, and you can't be done until your... done. In situations like these, if you force a decision, it will come back and bite you in the ass, sooner or later.
No, I don't mind much being called "THE betraying partner" even though my H betrayed me first, with cyber sex. Although I do think the term "betraying partner" is rather judgemental and naive. Please don't take offense, let me explain what I mean by that...
There are all SORTS of ways to betray a marriage. Infidelity is only one of them, and yet it is the one everyone obsesses over. MANY MANY times, when a partner has an EXTRA-MARITAL RELATIONSHIP (which is the non-judgemental way to say it!) it is on the heels of some other type of Betrayal in the M. Betrayal begets betrayal. And yet the one who "cheats" is the ONLY one who ever gets labeled the "betrayer." And that's not an accurate, fair or intelligent way to look at it.
In many (I would guess MOST) cases of "infidelity" if you look closely at the M or talk with the "betrayer" you will easily see that BOTH spouses have "betrayed" eachother.
There are many types of sexual and NON SEXUAL Betrayals that can lead to affairs. I am not saying they "should" led to A's, or that it's "okay"... NO! ... But they DO lead to affairs.
Just a few Examples of such "precipitating" betrayals:
Previous EMR (extra marital relation)
Lying
Keeping Secrets
Refusing to Communicate
Spousal/Child Abuse
Alcoholism
Drug Abuse
Pornography (if not ok w/spouse)
Neglecting your Health
Neglecting your Appearance
Gambling
Verbal Abuse
And the GrandDaddy of them all: Relationship Neglect
Yes, folks. That is a betrayal. We promise to "love and honor" and R neglect goes contrary to that.
The point I am trying to make is that few if any spouses can afford to cast the first "betrayal" stone. Shouldn't it really be: the betraying spouseS ? Everyone goes around saying "it takes TWO to cause an affair, and TWO to fix it." Yes! So maybe we should stop labeling just one person, or start labeling both. Just my opinion.
"you've just got to decide if your going to live completely one way or the other"
Exactly, that's a good way to put it.
"The Limbo you currently reside in is of your own making, you are the only one who can leave it."
Of course!
"It is not (nor should it be) up to h to sway your decision it should be YOUR decision."
Of course. If you read my posts carefully, you will see that I never implied that it is up to H nor that it should be. I was pointing out that patience can and does *sometimes* (SOMETIMES!) slow down resolution of things. That's a fact, not an opinion. Don't make me submit case studies, now! Saying that something DOES happen... or might be happing in my case... that is a world different than saying it SHOULD happen.
You guys can't have it both ways, sorry. You can't say "Oh, look, DB methods can sway your spouse! Try it!" And then turn around and say "Shame on you Annalise for even suggesting that your spouse could or should do anything to sway you." JEEZE... talk about an INCONSISTENCY! Either Infidelity is SWAYABLE or not. Make up you minds before you all drive me batty.
"calling all walkaways".
Now see! There's another label I'm not too fond of. That one is REALLY judgemental. Perhaps its meant to induce guilt. "Walkaway"... makes me sound SUBVERSIVE, or like I I don't care a whit about my M, like I was just loading laundry into the machine one day and decided "Hey! I think I'll leave my husband of 13 years! No particular reason, I just think I'll Walk Away!"
Come on now... Why can't Michelle just say "Calling all Spouses Considering Separation or Divorce?" I'll tell you why... Because she wants to convey that we are doing something WRONG or MISGUIDED by thinking about D. Well, I DO appreciate her view on that! It's not the ONLY worthwhile view, but I think it's an interesting and valid view , or I wouldn't be here.
But, I think those views could be presented in a way that does not resort to name calling, and being called a "walkaway" is teetering on the brink of name-calling. Thanks, but I'm afraid I will have to pass on that article till I stop being pissed about the title, which may be awhile.
I am trying to make up my mind whether this site may be too fanatical anti-divorce for where I am at RIGHT NOW, which is in limbo.
"You mention having read db years ago"
I did. I was mostly impressed.
"why not take another peak. You don't have to want to save your m to spend the few hours refreshing your memory on the book. It may also help you to make a decision one way or the other as well."
Saying that something DOES happen... or might be happing in my case... that is a world different than saying it SHOULD happen.
