YES, I do still love my H a lot and he loves me very, very much. And if we solve a bunch of chronic little problems, and learn how to accept our personality differences, you're right... I would be happy.
You say it sounds like my H is not really committed to "working on" the M. Yeah true. If I accused him of that he would say something like "I am working on it all the time!" He means by himself, in his head! Ugggh!
You're right, the "nuts and bolts" relationship fixing is going to have to come from me. Guess I need to start pretty soon in earnest. But wait... I think I hear hoofbeats... I think it is the OM coming to get me, on his white stallion!
I have given OM one year to "come around," so I figure the least I can do is give my M that long to come around, once I do start trying "for real." Do you think it is realistic to expect to see improvement within one year after a separation and an A? I wonder...
But, I do not want to be too patient about how long to try, because I do not want to commit the "sunk cost error" in logic. In psychology, that is the error that goes, "because I have sunk so much time (or money or effort or whatever) in this thing, I should keep doing that!" Casinos in Las Vegas get rich off of people making the "sunk cost error" in logic... people throwing good money after bad... to try to recoup some "perceived investment." Not smart. I will not hesitate to D after one more year of trying, if the M is not taking off.
"By the way, you spoke of the affair in the past tense"
I know, it's because it feels like the A is almost certainly over, and that what I am doing now is dragging out the "closure" as long as humanly possible.
I have not seen or spoken over the phone with OM in 3 months, 2 days, 4 hours, 13 minutes, and 2.9 seconds. I put a stop to the meetings and calls because it got to the point where it was just too painful for me to see him go home to his W. Even just hearing his voice on the phone was too gut wrenching. We only e-mail now.
OM is not happy about that, but he's not suffering either. He prefers our relationship ultra limited for two reasons... one, he is paranoid of being seen in public with me, and two, he wants to avoid "getting so carried away that we ruin our current lives over this thing." Which of course directly conflicts with my GOAL of getting carried away and ruining our current lives over this thing.
"I would also point out that the OM has had 2 chances to be with you, and turned you down twice, do you need strike 3 before it sinks in?"
I know! My H says to me "I cannot believe you have thrown yourself on this same sword again!" Freudian undertones of that comment aside, I CAN believe it... in fact, if a third chance for us ever came up later in life, say we were both old and widowed, I would try again! Reminds me of that Oscar Wilde quote "There is nothing like the devotion of a married woman, and it's something her husband knows nothing about." Bad, I know. I even discussed open M with my H at one point, because I do not want to be without OM in my life. I still think about that option sometimes, but it does not fit in with my "Barbie and Ken" up-bringing. If my parents had bought me TWO Ken dolls, I might be able to picture it better somehow.
"It sounds to me like you are very convenient for him"
More so than sliced bread. I have tried being INconvenient, but then he backs away even further. He did not seek this A out. I pursued him. Blind-sighted him, actually. His W lacks passion, which just FLOORS me because this is THE most gorgeous, passionate, sensual, creative, inspiring, earthshattering man on the planet. But then again, he cannot understand how my H could be somewhat lacking in the passion department either. I wish "passion" was the only reason I wanted to be with OM, he would be easier to give up, but there are other reasons.
His passionless M really bothers OM, but unfortunately for me, that is her only flaw in his eyes. He briefly considered leaving her for me, but he was too torn up about it being "too selfish." He was raised Catholic, like me, and so it was not just his W I was competing with, but his guilt. OM even had guilt about poaching me from my H, because of the situation 13 years ago. Plus, this is his third M, and he does not want to fail again. Plus he hates change. Plus, he has moral and even political barriers to divorce. He could not BE any harder to steal, unless maybe his wife just had newborn triplets.
Am I going to get flamed by someone for saying that I would "steal" a married man if I could, on a divorce busting website? I hope not. I almost think all is fair in love and war. Like in the movie TROY. Prince Paris sent entire nations to war, sent thousands upon thousands of men to their bloody deaths just so he could steal a married woman. I have to say, I almost thought he was justified. C'mon, he LOVED her for God's sake!
"in my experience the man can carry it on MUCH longer than a woman can."
Yeah, they can, because men are not "all about" relationship, like women tend to be. That's the social explanation, but there's also a biological one...there are actual physical brain differences between men and women that make it easier for men to neatly "compartmentalize" things and keep them in perspective, and be less emotional about them. Lucky bastards.
"Do you think the OM is as emotionally invested in you as you are in him?"
In a word, No! He says he loves me and I believe him. But, love and even lust... these are not the THE deciding factors for most married MEN, agreed? For women, yes, because we're nuts, we tend to follow our hearts, but for men, I think they prefer to maintain their status quo R, unless it's a pretty bad M all around. Statistically, it is much more common (easier) for a man to steal a married woman than it is for a woman to steal a married man.
OM SWEARS he is as tortured as me over our situation, but that can't be. If he were as tortured as me, he would be D by now, and we would have a R, not a "situation."
No, I can't truly claim to be currently DBing, for two reasons. ONE, if I were SERIOUS about DBing, I would be totally done with OM, not dragging out the closure phase. Agree? TWO, when I DO manage to wrap it up with OM I want to try to reconcile with H, but I am not sure I want to "DB" per se. I have to read the book again, it's been years, but if I remember correctly I really thought a lot of the principles were brilliant, but some of them did not sit well with me, and so I'm not sure yet if I'm a good "DB" candidate... I think if you follow only parts of a "method," it's much less likely to work, and can maybe even do more harm than good.
By the way, now that I have spilled almost my entire guts, what the heck is YOUR story, sinjin? If your W is already a lost cause, why ya here? Just curious.
"Your husband is a thinker, but doesn't know what to do"
It's not that he doesn't "know" it's worse than that... it's more like he does not even value the pro-active stance toward life! Does that make sense? Action is not his thing, and to boot, he's kinda proud of that! It's almost like he sees taking action and being decisive as a poor substiitute for thinking.
H is cognitive beyond belief...like the professor on Gilligan's Island, or Frazier Krane on Cheers, get it now? And this is only ONE of our incompatibilities. Don't get me started on the whole slew of them, or it will make this monster post look like a footnote.
Yes, I know OM has to go. I had a dream once that he was half rat and half boy, a bizarre RatBoy creature, and I threw him in a lake to try to drown him, but it turned out he was amphibian! HE WON'T DIE!!!!
I need to kill him, I know (figuratively speaking) but I must do it when I'm ready, or I will just fall right back into OM's arms or inbox when the going gets rough with H, and I do not want to put myself, my H, or OM through this crap again. Especially not myself.
How I ended up with Frazier Krane I have no idea... he was supposed to end up with some icy Lillith, not emotional Rebecca! Frazier and Rebecca... imagine! That's us. I guess opposites attract, and then proceed to drive eachother nuts.
