I have to say I enjoyed your post alot. Glad we are talking. By the way, I too am 40.
Reading your post, the impression I get is that while your husband MAY want to work on your relationship, he isn't really committed to it. I also think that you still love him alot, and if he would make a fundamental change you would be happy.
It seems to me that if any DB'ing is going to happen here, it is going to be done by you, but you don't want to....this is a sticky wicket isn't it? From the tone of your letter, I think that you may already be doing it though.
By letting this go on for so long, maybe your husband has grown "used to it" and sees no reason to work on it. Maybe you need to change the playing field a bit? To do that you would have to commit to wanting to try again though.
By the way, you spoke of the affair in the past tense:
But, for Christ's sake, I just had an affair... I think we need to work on some stuff!
I would also point out that the OM has had 2 chances to be with you, and turned you down twice, do you need strike 3 before it sinks in? It sounds to me like you are very convenient for him; he keeps his own marriage and has you to fill in the gaps in it. You are doing the same thing too. That kind of thing can't go on forever, but in my experience the man can carry it on MUCH longer than a woman can. Do you think the OM is as emotionally invested in you as you are in him?
I am alot like you, think about something, come to a conclusion and then ACT. Drives me crazy when people don't act too.
So you and I have thought about his....I have concluded:
a. The other man doesn't want you - or he would be with you b. You still love your husband and are currently DBing c. Your husband is a thinker, but doesn't know what to do
Do you think that is accurate?
Possible Conclusions: a. You let the OM thing go completely-going nowhere anyway b. You decide if you can do this DB c. You come up with a plan for the DB
Possible Actions
Depends on what your conclusions are.
Can you tell I am an engineer? Logical thought helps me day to day, but tends to kill me in relationships!
