Yes, the limbo is VERY hard to deal with. Not just because I'm "passionate" as you say, but because like many women I tend to center my life around my relationship, so when that area of life is out of whack, everything seems awful.
"This situation is now all about you and what you want to do":
Yes, I can see how you would get that idea... being in a crisis does make me sound more narcissistic than I really am. But, the situation really IS "all about me" at this point, because H has already made his wishes clear (he wants to try to reconcile) and OM has already made his wishes clear (he would like to continue to be invoved with me in a minimal way if I wish, but will not leave hs wife for me). So, it's "all about me" because I must decide what to do, they have already decided. The chances of OM changing his mind about what to do are somewhere between slim and none. However, the chances of my H changing his mind are pretty good... he will eventually tire of waiting for me and move on, as is understandable.
"It sounds like you think you carried the load for 13 years and you are now tired and wish him to carry the load."
Well, we both carried the "relationship load." I am the one who has always attended to the quality of the relationship. But he has always been the first to apologize and pull us back together after fights. He says he is done now, championing the cause of "us" and that I must return on my own, or not at all... he will not "pull me back in." I understand that, and agree that dynamic has to change, but WOW, he sure picked a hell of a time to take a stance about that!
"You have some issues that really bother you about your husband"
Yes, I do. About my H, and about our R. He's completely WONDERFUL in many ways, and so is our R.
But, there are some incompatibilities and some contentions, and some things missing, that bother me greatly. And now, since being with OM, who is COMPLETELY different than H, and who I am different WITH, these things about H and my M bother me more! Now, through this affair, it feels like I have pinpointed exactly what things are missing in my R with H, and do not want to live without that anymore. Life is short! I have just turned 40 and am realizing that! I want to be very careful I do not "settle" for continuing with a M that is GOOD but not great, and seems to resist being great.
Communication with H is pretty phenomenal, so I have talked to H many times about the things I need from him and my M. But, some of the problems are rooted in fundamental personality differences, that really can't be changed. And some of the problems CAN be changed...
I have always felt that the "answer" for us is to WORK ON our marriage ! To at least SOLVE the problems that can be solved, in an organized, concrete way.
But, he HATES "working on" the relationship in this way. He prefers to just talk and think about problems, hoping that will help over time. Of course, it rarely did. So then I would keep bringing up my concerns, wanting to agree on a solution. He perceived that as "demanding."
Things never really getting solved made me irritable, which made him retreat and "walk on eggs." We both got resentful, even though we continued to have a basically good, happy marriage.
H is a brilliant analytical psychotherapist who is always second guessing my intentions and motives, putting my concerns in a poor light, which makes talking about things rather complex and maddening!
H is a thinker, not a DO-er. He thinks the way to deal with problems is THINK about them until "new sets of ideas" MAYBE emerge and MAYBE lead (eventually) to a natural change in behavior. As you may guess, not many M problems have actually been SOLVED that way.
I am the first to agree with him that we should not go around throwing band-aids on problems and avoiding deeper reflection on them, at that I should be able to "tolerate some frustration" as he always says, but at SOME POINT, action needs to occur! Our counselor could not even get him to do the homework. Add to that, he hates to write things down or have to remember anything, so even IF I can get him to agree on an actual solution to some concern (which is nearly impossible) he will rarely follow thru.
YES, I know that it does not take two to save a marriage. I KNOW I can re-read DB and save it myself. But, you know what? I don't want to. Because THAT is one of my issues!... I have always wanted us to be more of a "we," more of a team, to have that feeling of "this is what we are doing and believe in and stand for AS A COUPLE." He has always says he wants more of that attitude between us too, but his style of relating just doesn't support that super-connected type of R.
H says he wants to get back together, and at first his stipulation was that he REFUSED to "work on" anything. YES! Still! Even though this attitude eventually drove his W into the arms of OM, that was still his attitude. He said "We have been working on this M for 13 years. Working on it is not working. Let's try NOT working on it!"
I see his point... I am exhausted from our conflicts, just like him. But, for Christ's sake, I just had an affair... I think we need to work on some stuff! I am NOT COMFORTABLE going back into the M without him being willing to do that.
Just TODAY he and I had a relationship talk, and he agreed that IF we reconcile he WILL consider committing to some form of (normal!) problem solving with me. That is major progress. It probably happened because I have remained FIRM about not going back to the M without some idea of how we will address mutual or individual concerns.
Lesson: do not marry a psychotherapist, unless you want to be driven crazy.
"So I would ask, is your husband really ambivalent about this whole thing? It almost sounds like this is your way of trying to get his attention focused on you."
No, I do not think he is truly ambivalent. Just super discouraged. I think he is WILLING to move on from this M now, which was never the case before the affair, but he doesn't WANT to move on, ideally. He's more willing to let us go now because our current separartion of sorts has made the whole M seem worse than it's really been. And, his ego is pretty crushed. I mean, his W is in love with NOT JUST ANY OM... this OM was sort of a boyfriend just before I started dating H 13 years ago. I was in love with OM then! H had to win me from OM back then, which was not easy. I loved H, too, but the truth is, H won by default... OM did not want me "seriouly" back then, either, because I had two children and he did not think he could step parent well. H knew he won by default. So, if I reconcile with H, it is again by default. H has only mentioned this a few times, but I know it bothers him. That fact plus the strain of separation, plus our imperfect M must make the idea of D seem more reasonable to him than before.
Did I do this affair just to get his attention? At first, that was PART of it, I think. Waking him up. Maybe even a little spite, for what he had done with cyber sex. But very quickly, all that was no longer an issue. It was all about feelings for OM.
"It sounds as if your attraction to this other person is a moot point, because he won't leave his W for you."
Yes, in a practical sense, it's moot point.
"So I guess I would wonder why you would carry something like this on when it sounds as if it will lead to no where. Is this just a pleasant diversion for you?"
At first it was a very pleasant diversion, and remains so, but for quite awile it has also been a MISERABLE diversion, because I am in love with OM and every contact reminds me that I cannot be with this man I have TWICE in my life wanted to be with. Like you imply, there's no sane reason to "carry on" something that is going nowhere. I guess I just do it out of foolish hope and because I have some things to say to OM that have so far gone unsaid. Once I do that, I hope I will be more motivated to break it off and try again with H.
"I can relate to you a bit. My main complaint in my marriage was my wife's lack of passion."
I hear you! People act like passion is a nice "extra" to have in an M, but for some of us, it's quite essential.
"I found out in the end she had that passion, just not for me. Hey there is someone for everyone right? She also took charge of her life after she left, and did all of the stuff she only used to talk about too. I am happy for her, I just think she could've done the same with me. Obviously she couldn't."
You sound like you have a healthy attitude about it. Passion and the drive toward self-actualization... not impossible to sustain in a long M, but hard!!!
I just KNOW that if I leave H, he is gonna suddenly loose weight, get turned on by life, probably start his own business or something, and become this vital, self-empowered guy like my OM. Life is ironic! Trying to maintain my sense of humor.
at this point, because H has already made his wishes clear (he wants to try to reconcile) and OM has already made his wishes clear (he would like to continue to be invoved with me in a minimal way if I wish, but will not leave hs wife for me). So, it's "all about me" because I must decide what to do, they have already decided. The chances of OM changing his mind about what to do are somewhere between slim and none. However, the chances of my H changing his mind are pretty good... he will eventually tire of waiting for me and move on, as is understandable. 