I would first apologize that you feel jumped on. I would say that from your limited posts, myself and others drew some conclusions that may not have been true.
It looks like I too hit a nerve with you. The good side is at least you got to vent a little, and we all know a little bit more about your situation. The bad side is that you are now probably a bit defensive. Again I apologize.
From your letter, you sound like a very passionate person. Being a passionate person, this limbo is probably very hard to deal with.
Reading your letter, I got 3 things from it:
1. This situation is now all about you and what you want to do, not really about anything else:
I have been a loyal and extremely devoted wife for 13 years, and this is the only time in 40 years I have been indecisive about ONE SINGLE THING, much less my M.
Rest assured, I know that my M is is gridlock because of MY indecision. I know that!
I HEAR YOU that I should be fighting for the M too! YES! And I DID, on and off for years, but sometimes one person is not able to fight any longer, for whatever reasons, and the other must pick up the cause!.
You say my H is fighting "just by being here." Yes, that SHOULD be "good enough" to win me promptly back, I agree! But it's somehow not
I am TELLING YOU that if at ANY time during this year he said "I want this marriage more than anything, Annalise, and I know we can make it work" I would probably not be in such ambivalence.
It sounds like you think you carried the load for 13 years and you are now tired and wish him to carry the load. Which leads to #2.
2. You have some issues that really bother you about your husband:
But even when my affair just started, he had no real conviction about our potential to start anew.
I have confronted him about that, and he says "Oh, it's not that I don't want you or the M back, I do, I'm just fed up with us like you are, and I don't want to "work on" it anymore, and I'm just not the type of guy who has all that much conviction or passion about ANYTHING.
That is a PERSONALITY issue, it will not change, and I am not absolutely positive that I want to live with that half-heartedness for the rest of my life, not to mention the other marital "issues" that we may or may not be able to resolve.
Pessismism, for example... at one year it is charming! At five years it is only irksome! But living with pessimism for 13 years becomes more like a MENTAL HEALTH RISK.
So I would ask, is your husband really ambivalent about this whole thing? It almost sounds like this is your way of trying to get his attention focused on you. I am not a psychotherapist or psychology student, I am just reading what you have written.
3. It sounds as if your attraction to this other person is a moot point, because he won't leave his W for you.
I pleaded with OM to consider leaving his wife!(no kids in either marriage).
So I guess I would wonder why you would carry something like this on when it sounds as if it will lead to no where. Is this just a pleasant diversion for you?
I can relate to you a bit. My main complaint in my marriage was my wife's lack of passion. It really bugged me, and she was pretty easy to get along with (read ambivalent) too. I found out in the end she had that passion, just not for me. Hey there is someone for everyone right? She also took charge of her life after she left, and did all of the stuff she only used to talk about too. I am happy for her, I just think she could've done the same with me. Obviously she couldn't.
