WOW, you people jump to a lot of conclusions and so far are a very judgemental lot!
For starters, I am not having an "online affair" and don't know where you got that idea. I have met with my OM in person, perhaps eight or nine times... in addition, we have had phone/email contact, and to top it off, he is an old flame of sorts, from 13 years ago. I looked him up (openly, with my husband's knowledge) when I declared an informal marital separation last year.
What was "missing" in my marriage? Uh, I think I'll PASS on spilling my guts to quite that extent, to a stranger who is being semi-hostile, but thanks all the same.
Looks like I hit a NERVE. I'm sorry your wife left. Truly. But is being judgemental toward women you don't even know really helping you out with your resentment about that?
You are somehow implying that I am "scared" to leave my marriage for OM?! Not at ALL. I pleaded with OM to consider leaving his wife!(no kids in either marriage). It was not for lack of guts that I did not "make good" on my feelings for OM, it was for lack of OPPORTUNITY.
Of COURSE I realize that OM would not be a picnic to live with. He is AMAZING, but also has MANY flaws, JUST LIKE HUBBY IS AMAZING, WITH MANY FLAWS! I know that! Do all of you automatically assume that newcomers are DUMB?????
Listen, you obviously have NO IDEA or any REAL interest in why I would have chosen OM over hubby, and I am not in the least inclined to explain it to you. Suffice to say I am 40 years old, this is my second marriage, I have two grown children, and am a professional person who is not at all "immature" or "impulsive."
FYI, my husband is a psychotherapist and I am a psychology student and so I can ASSURE you that we have no aversion to counseling. We have been thru counseling TWICE in our 13 year marriage. YES, I read Michelle's DB book four years ago, and it was helpful, but I can't say I remember much of it now, so I am going to re-read it if I choose to attempt reconciliation. So far I am lot more impressed with MWD's book than I am with her chat forum.
Yes, I am on "cruise control" for a long time. That's the first intelligent thing you've said. Being in limbo does bother me, but so does the idea of forcing some decision that I know I will not really stick to unless my heart is fully IN that decision. My H respects this!... he is glad that I do not wish to come back and try again until I MEAN IT, so that there will be no backsliding into the affair, as there is in so many cases, even though few admit it.
I have been a loyal and extremely devoted wife for 13 years, and this is the only time in 40 years I have been indecisive about ONE SINGLE THING, much less my M. Unfortunately, life and feelings do not not always bend to our will on our preferred time-schedule, and that's how we aquire some soul, whether we want any or not!
Why do you think I "blame" my H for enabling me to keep up what I am doing? No, I was just pointing out that having patience with me has been wonderful, but also tends to support my indecision. For example, if he left, I might miss him and come to my senses quicker, who knows. Or I might be happy as a lark on my own, who knows! But it MIGHT break our stand-off.
JEEZE, I was only saying that patience is maybe not always the clear-cut positive thing to do. And you ASSUME from that, that I am "not taking personal responsibility?" How arrogant!
Rest assured, I know that my M is is gridlock because of MY indecision. I know that! But it takes TWO to tango! In fact, the whole CONCEPT of DB is that spouses can SWAY their wayward ones by doing or not doing certain things, right?...
Well, dude, I am just saying that I personally am not SWAYED or motivated by my H's tactic of patience without fighting. I don't mean fighting for ME...fighting for the M! Yes, I HEAR YOU that I should be fighting for the M too! YES! And I DID, on and off for years, but sometimes one person is not able to fight any longer, for whatever reasons, and the other must pick up the cause!...no, it's not fair, but life's not always fair.
You say my H is fighting "just by being here." Yes, that SHOULD be "good enough" to win me promptly back, I agree! But it's somehow not. GUESS I LOOSE MY BID FOR SAINTHOOD, then! Sorry, my feelings are my feelings.
I LOVE AND APPRECIATE that H is "patiently waiting" and it probably will pay off for us, but I am TELLING YOU that if at ANY time during this year he said "I want this marriage more than anything, Annalise, and I know we can make it work" I would probably not be in such ambivalence.
But even when my affair just started, he had no real conviction about our potential to start anew.
I have confronted him about that, and he says "Oh, it's not that I don't want you or the M back, I do, I'm just fed up with us like you are, and I don't want to "work on" it anymore, and I'm just not the type of guy who has all that much conviction or passion about ANYTHING... it's not just you and the marriage, that's just the way I am."
YES, I DO know that about him! It is ONE of the many maddening issues we have. That is a PERSONALITY issue, it will not change, and I am not absolutely positive that I want to live with that half-heartedness for the rest of my life, not to mention the other marital "issues" that we may or may not be able to resolve.
YES, that IS the man I married, and I knew we had some fundamental differences, but I did not guess they would be seem more distressing in time. Pessismism, for example... at one year it is charming! At five years it is only irksome! But living with pessimism for 13 years becomes more like a MENTAL HEALTH RISK.
My first (and hopefully last) divorce was A GOOD THING even though the marriage was not that bad. My kids and I both THRIVED, we were hardly "devastated" by it. I believe divorce always requires an adjustment period but it's NOT necessarily devasating. Being "devastated" is a CHOICE, like anything else.
I value my marriage greatly, but I do not feel that to "move on" would be a fate worse than death. Nor do I think a marriage is a "failure" just because it does not last forever. I admit I WOULD try with H for a one year period, if not for my feelings for OM, and since I cannot have OM, I should therefore give up OM and try with H. I know that! Even if I end up splitting from H, I know I must give up OM anyway!... since life as a mistress would not be my thing, I'm not that European.
However, knowing something and being able to find the emotional strength to do it are two different things. I love both men, and am IN love with both, but in love with OM *MORE*.
I KNOW that "people like my H don't come along very often" as you say. That is why I have stuck by him for 13 years, through this wonderful AND contentious marriage.
