Spoke with XH on the phone on Monday, He felt like we had taken a huge step backwards after finding out about the Internet Personals and the guy at work who was having R troubles and I gave advice to.
Thurs night/Friday morning the following pager messages to each other.... W:Hope your week is going well and you made it safe to Oregon. Have a good meeting with you boss. XH: All is well. Thanks for picking up my parts. W: I didnt pick them up, just arranged to have them shipped XH: You still made it happen. Whats new with you? W: Making changes to supervisors at work, so everything is sirred up, 10 reviews to write and budget to work on. I shut down the internet profile and no more advice from me to coworker XH: what is internet profile W: Internet personals dating account XH: OH I think u should try it out. I'm deeply hurt that you make this agreement then scam me. I'm not feeling the game or miscommunication at all. W:I understand how you feel. Yes, I made a mistake. I reacted based on past hurt instead of current thoughts. I am sorry for that.
Then XH calls me at 1:00am this morning. He says he has just left a bunch of his coworkers at the bar. He can't stand to be there and that environment just makes him sick. (must not have been that bad if he went in the first place and then stayed till 1:00am)
He then went into this just rant. I can't even remember the specifics. But here are some highlight snipets: * That I make this agreement that if we are going to be together that it just needs to be me and now I broke that. (with the internet guy) * That I should hook up with T (name of internet guy) * That even though he has done things wrong, my intent was to F the internet guy and the guy at work. * That I should be treated for bipolar disorder * That I have done more to destroy our family/kids than anything * That when S asked his dad about cheating, XH could have told him all kinds of TRUTHS about me, but he didn't cause he is not like me to be sharing that type of information. * That its all his fault that he doesn't create the environment that we can communicate in. (said in a very sarcastic voice) * That he is done with this since I can't keep my commitments. (and he must be the expert on that subject; sorry that was a vent on my part) * That we make beautiful music together, but I am not able to uphold a committment. * That I should go be with T the track star. (this was information I shared with XH about the internet guy I chatted with.) * That if youngest S didn't have a girlfriend, S would come live with him. * That XH had to pay for S to come visit * That oldest S didn't call until 8:00pm to wish him happy fathers day. (even though S knew XH was playing Paintball and wouldn't have been able to to talk to him all day anyway) * That he should go to church on Sunday to ask for forgiveness because he won't get it any where else.
I am less upset about the conversation as I am with myself. I really don't handle these types of conversations well. I allow myself to get sucked in by the attacks. I really need to spend some time reflecting on this conversation. Where are the buttons that make me put up that defensive shield. I was like Xeana, I had my shield and sword. And I started swinging. At one point said F*ck you, you Sonofab!tch. Not my best DB skill.
I felt so discarded once again. XH is done??? WTF. Oh, you are now suddenly the model committment maker? I am to ASSume that because we are together that you are agreeing to my request of being the only one? Did I miss the conversation where you said that you feel the same way and am glad that I have brought this up? Did I miss where you have told me about your break up and feelings about OW? YOUR DONE???
He told me to go and F*ck who ever I wanted, and rattled off a list of people he thought were potential candidates. And that once I have experienced that and can tell if it is them or him that I want to give him a call and hung up.
I didn't cry or get upset after he called. I just put my hands together and prayed for him.
