Time for a new thread! Lots to catch up on here......
A couple of weeks ago my PMA was WAY low. I was feeling frustrated and discarded. So I made my way to the personals. Found a guy that was interesting and we IM'd for a little bit. We had arranged to meet for drinks the next day. While is was chatting with him, it felt good to have someone interested in me. That quickly faded and all I could think of was XH. I was so not ready and doing that for all the wrong reasons. I cancelled our drink get together.
You will also remember that I have been letting XH come to me, letting him initiate contact. Well he had been calling frequently and paging me. Last Friday night he calls and says that he feels like I have changed over the past few weeks and I am more distant. I explain that I felt like he needed space to work things out and not have any pressure. That if he wanted to talk he would call. I think he really liked that.
On Tues of this week we are talking and he asked me if I have been asked out on a date and I tell him yes. There is a guy that I work with that is also S and moving toward D. I have gotten him on this site and he frequently asks advice. He asked me to go have drinks one night. I think of him as nothing more than friends. XH sees it as someone who is making the move on me. That we are consoling each other. It makes me feel good that this person likes the advice I give and he admits he has made many steps in his own growth because of my encouragement.
At that point I did not tell XH about the personals. I think I told him about the guy at work as it would appear safer. That is not being honest on my part. I have told XH that I am about honesty.
Later that night I call XH back and tell him that because I am wanting to be honest, I need to tell him the rest of the story. I felt like just because he didn't specifically ask "hey have you been to on line personals?" that I needed to tell him. I told him about that. He was appreciative that I told him.
The next morning we talked for about an hour and a half. He says that he gets these "feelings" when something is not right with me. That is why he called to say that he felt like I was changing. Remember that I told him that it was to give him space and work things out. Now he finds out that I am talking R's with a guy at work and was on personals. In his mind I was not giving him space, but rather doing what I really wanted to do. That I lied to him.
He said that he has had these feelings several times throughout our M. Therefore he feels that I have cheated on him. I explained to him that I have never slept with anyone else. This is a real issue for him/us. He feels like it must be resolved. But to resolve it in him mind means me admitting that I did something. I cannot do that. I have even told him that I could not make something up.
He told me that he has the FEELING that we will not make it. I told him that was too bad since the future is a CHOICE, not a feeling. Then I got a little angry and said F*ck his feelings that we had the power to make it anything we wanted. That we just need to pull our head out of our @ss and get it together.
We were both crying and it was quite emotional. XH even said that if we were working with a C that they would say that we made progress.
Then he said, Hey why don't you come up today? We were wanting to spend the weekend together, but our youngest S decided to go up there. S travels a lot and this will be the only time for a while that he could go. So I took Wed, Thur and Fri off and caught a plane to Seattle.
So Wed we hung out at his brand new house while a guy hooked up all the audio visual equipment. As soon as that guy left we promptly broke in the living room!
XH had to work in a town that was about 2 hours away so we drove there and stayed in a hotel. We had a nice dinner on the way. XH was a little distant. More hot sex in the hotel and wonderful sleep all night snuggled close.
The next day he has to work. I am hanging out at the hotel. So I look through his bag and yes, find condoms. In my finest NON DB voice I call and say, well we have been talking a lot about me and what I have been doing when is the last time you've slept with someone else? He obviously is NOT happy, but tells me Feb. with the OW. That after I told him that now that we were D that things changed. I was not going to feel like a one night stand and that if he wanted to be with me then I needed to know that he wasn't doing me one day and someone else the next. NOW he feels like he has been maintaining that, but I haven't even been keeping MY own rule. (personal guy) Everything about this conversation was SO wrong. Wrong time, wrong way, wrong tone. At one point he even said, you call me first thing in the morning, not to tell me you are thinking about last night, or missing me or anything happy, you call me with this $h!t..So readers and lurkers, add this to your DO NOT DO list.
We do not call or anything the rest of the day. He comes home and we go out to dinner. We gave each other a big hug and kiss as soon as we saw each other. No real mention of it at dinner. We talked a little bit about what attracted us to the personal people we choose (OW was from personals).
More AWSOME ML . SO connected.
On our way back to the airport on Fri he took me to the space needle. The day was crystal clear and the view was spectacular. It was a lot of fun. Then he took me to lunch at this place on the water overlooking the yacht club. We talked quite a bit about us. He told me that he feels like there are two sides to me, one that is very conservative and the other that is wild. That I keep the wild side suppressed. Maybe he is afraid that someday that side will just take over and I'll be gone? He said that he felt like he never measured up. That he would not have been my first choice. He also said that he felt like he never measured up in school or sports or his job. I asked if he thought his dad was ever proud of him and he said no. He didn't think his dad ever felt proud of him, even just to be his son, not even for accomplishments. I told him that when he talks about me and gives me his opinion of me that it makes me feel like a bad person. That I am not a good person or worthy. He said that is not how he means it to be. I told him that it was just a feeling that I get. that it was my issue. I was sharing that feeling with him and he understood. Later in the conversation I was telling him how I felt loved by my parents as long as I was doing good. Good in school, lots of friends, good in sports ect. As we were talking I understood why I feel "bad" when he was giving his opinion of me. It ties back to my parents. It really was a great conversation. He said that he really wants to be my knight in shining armor, but always holds back. Part of him wants a solid R, and part of him doesn't. He understands that much of his trust issues come from his actions rather than mine. And that all his life he knows he could do better, and then feels frustrated when he didn't make the team or the R fails. Like he has it in him, just not sure how to get it out and DO IT.
After that we walked on the pier held hands and talked about which boats we liked. There were a bunch of the most beautiful jelly fish floating in the water under the pier. They looked like big yellow flowers.
He dropped me off at the airport and at the curb gave me the BIGGEST kiss and hug. The kind you see in the movies! Way cool.
My flight was delayed by2 hours. He paged me to make sure I got home. Then he called the house, but someone had my cordless phone from my room. Oldest S answered it. H paged me that he didn't think I was home, since I didn't answer.....
I'm sure there are more thoughts I will have on the past week. I am off to the gym.
