Thanks! I've suspected for a while that you have a secret closet of reserve PMA, so I am guessing you'll be "back" in no time.
I hope I didn't get too rant-like on your thread last night--what you said hit so close to home for me-- I have so been there. My SIL-BIL are just as honest with me as they have been with everyone else though-- they tell me the truth without my even asking-- but maybe your SIL was concerned about causing you further pain by answering you truthfully (some people besides WAS do think that way--for whatever reason).
Anyway, yes, I do feel good. Life is good, wherever it is going!
Wonder ~ WELCOME back...glad you got yourself some well-deserved pampering while you were South of the Border!!
As for this..
Quote: I think the PMA Queen calls this detachment. Or maybe it's the work I am doing on my own goal setting and boundaries. But it feels very good and healthy. It feels like bubble baths and dancing around the house. Like a tough but rewarding yoga workout.
You've got it honey!!!!!! Doesn't it feel so so good??!!!!
Keep us posted on the car thing, you've gotten good advice here!!
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
My feeling of bubble baths and yoga and dancing is now combined with strange feelings of uneasiness based on H's response to my email.
He was all jovial and chatty about my trip, etc. Picked up on the inside joke I dropped in my email. Mentions that he's working on getting that truck the "he!! out of there".
Deftly ignores the R stuff completely.
Also says the settlement draft has been held up 2 months because he is gathering his financial paperwork... as if he's suddenly become an oil magnate with offshore accounts.
Then says maybe we can go with a Paperwork Lite option since there's not much money to "squabble over". Huh? So, he's taking this long to find such few papers? And last I knew, we'd already verbally agreed to terms of a settlement, so what's the issue again?
Is it dragging his feet for reasons he isn't exploring or sharing with me? Or hiding something?
OK. So this is: 1. A demeanor I have only seen before our S and prior to previous reconcilation attempts.
2. A sudden eagerness to meet agreements regarding insurance and truck.
3. Combined with that weird out of blue computer inquiry a few weeks ago.
4. Dragging out settlement discussion.
5. The pattern of not responding to something that hits an emotional nerve.
All of it makes me uneasy. Yet I don't get the sense that R is what he's up to. Am I being "handled"?
What I have figured out is that I don't trust him to be a friend to me as long as OW is part of his life because he has shown time and again that he will chase OW's approval rather than treat me with compassion, honesty, loyalty or respect. And it seems the 2 are always at odds.
So immediately I wonder why he is acting differently... and as much as I hate to admit it, I feel uneasy and suspicious even with the positive actions. (And I suspect I would not feel that at all if he were living on his own.)
Meanwhile, my yoga class last night was spent upside down-- most unexpected and a good on-the-spot lesson for me in pushing through resistance and fear.
Plus, a good opportunity to be spotted by the attractive single man in my class, LOL.
OK, has anyone noticed that I seem to be noticing men these days? I have been giving more and more thought to "opening myself to someone new"... not ready to use the D-word yet.
And there is someone I have been intrigued by... though I may need to practice more handstands to break through more resistance and fear first (no, don't mean the yoga guy either).
It's tough when all your close friends are married. But last night I heard unexpectedly from a MF with whom I used to work. We haven't talked in about a year, so that was a fun conversation to catch up with each other's lives...
I think we can all relate to the uneasy feeling of what the heck is going on in the mind of a WAS? Unfortunately it is impossible to know.
Let me throw out somthing I've been thinking but haven't quite acted on yet. It seems to me from the discussion on the Friend's thread today (especially Pam's comments) as well as other concepts we are familiar with that the WAS is acting in their best interests and not thinking of anything or anyone else.
Going with that assumption, we've all felt like we're being handled as you've put it. In order to keep from taking the one step back after the two steps forward, what is it that will help prevent that?
I've been thinking some standards to live by, some conviction to adhere to. What does that mean? That will be different for all of us, but we can't allow ourselves to be twisting in the wind. Its very uncomfortable.
What do I mean? I'm thinking this through as I type but I think I mean to identify what is acceptable to you in order for you to consider reestablishing somthing with H. That will mean different actions for different things.
Lets take friendship, what will he have to do in order for you to consider being his friend? If that is unacceptable to you, what will he have to do in order for him to be ____, whatever it is you want?
I hope I'm making sense. After defining these, it is up to us to be accountable to what we said would be acceptable, anything short gets the go pound sand response (not literally of course but you know what I mean).
In your case, it seems being cordial is ok, but being a friend is not as long as OW is in his life. What then do those actions look like? Then it is up to you to stick to them. Don't "give" him anymore than that because it is then enabling the child.
Of course I could be all wet with this. I'm not a parent or a nanny but there might be some common themes?
OK. After Seattle's welcome kick in the head, I'm going to start taking my own advice (and yours too, S).
That is, figure out what I want. Ask for it when appropriate. And make my boundaries out of something more solid than jello (remembering that they are about me, after all, not the person infringing on them).
Sheesh. I'm open to the idea that H could make a big change in his behavior toward me. And if I know what's acceptable and what's not, what's making me so uneasy?
Also need to remember to solve the real problem based on results I get... solution, not method!
Huh, guess this one might be me.
Or as that cainer fellow writes today:
Now you've squared a circle, you can set out to reconcile two mutually exclusive needs. There's a real feeling now of needing to do the impossible. The odd thing is, more or less, give or take, just about, you seem to be managing it. Really though, you could do with a break. After all you have been through lately, you don't want to wrestle with yet another tricky situation. But the cosmos has other ideas. It feels that you are "on a roll" and can work more magic before you get time to recover and recuperate. So don't resent the pressure you are under now, or the silly scenario you find yourself in. Just be brilliant. Again.
Starting to think this man lives in my house... maybe under the computer desk? Kidding!
When I read that this morning my first thought was "oh Sh8t! I've had enough!!! Please don't send anything more my way!!" I doubt I will get the break! so, I'll accept the lull today and tomorrow and see where this train takes me.
Hang on wonder, I do read your thread.
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
You know, the astrology thing cracks me up sometimes. I never much believed in "the stars," but a friend started sending me my daily cainercast a while back... and another reading. And damn if they aren't eerily in tune with my experience!
Now I think, when the girl is ready, those teachers are everywhere! And that when you ask for guidance, sometimes it shows up in very unlikely places!
Case in point: another readings for today:
Don't criticize yourself while being generous to others. Put your analytical skills to work in discerning your sweetheart's true feelings on a touchy subject.
Is that how they feel, or are you just projecting? Sometimes you have the ability to tell what people are thinking, but other times you are way off. This current confusion has more to do with your own insecurities than anything else.
Is it harder to be friends or lovers? How did it come to this? Stop asking yourself so many questions and concentrate on the here and now. Some things will always remain a mystery, no matter how many questions you ask. If you want the bottom line, it's about learning to laugh. When in doubt, check in with the ecstatic nature of the universe.
Wonder, thanks for sharing that other reading! I know that my question of sanity and restlessness is because my plans were turned upsidedown and one of the ow will be at the funeral. so, I'm sitting back down on the sidelines and letting this pass me by.
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
