Our heroine takes a little vacation and she comes home to find she's been lockmonstered. Thanks to all the well wishers and the speculators... you guys are the best.
So here is my shiny new thread and it looks great with my tan and pedicure (yes, Sunseeker, if you're reading this, I said PAMPERING!).
I just returned from a luxurious and fortuitous last minute trip south of the border with some generous family and friends.
Unfortunately, Latin lovers remained elusive. But then I didn't actually try to find one. Beach boys make great scenery though... esp. with that ocean backdrop. Margaritas and fine wine, on the other hand, were plentiful. It was a really great trip.
No words from Shoeless H these days... I have built it and well, at least I am here.
That is, other than this weird little interaction before I left:
I sent an email at the beginning of the month thanking him for his help with a server problem I was having. I asked if he has made progress with removing his unregistered vehicle from the driveway (something he was planning to do). No response.
A week later, I emailed asking if there was a reason he had not responded because it seemed odd to ignore a direct question about something like that.
He responded that he "didn't mean to not respond" and "so no, there was no reason." Included a . Said he'd "try and figure it out soon".
Seemed pretty flip to me, though I think I only interpreted it this way 1. because that vehicle has been sitting there since before we were separated and for no good reason. 2. because it gave me an instant flashback of the flip and callous response that he gave when I asked why he'd left the house unlocked with doors open while I was on my last vacation... it's amazing how you think you have forgotten something and it just gets triggered out of seemingly nowhere.
Benefit of doubt being he thought he was being funny, but frankly after 3 years, the vehicle isn't funny to me anymore. And I am so sick of hearing him say he "didn't mean to" do whatever it is he chooses to do or that he will "try" to do something instead of just doing it or that things just "skip his mind". This to me is now like nails on a chalkboard. Which is something I need to get past because sometimes that is legitimate, but right now, there it is.
I didn't make him deal with my little overractions.
I simply responded with of my own and joked that I was wondering because I'm used to people answering questions... and on the more serious note said that I'd appreciate it if he'd choose to make dealing with the vehicle a priority, said I understood that maybe it's not so much on his radar these days, but I'm sure he understands it's still on mine. Also made a joke about the neighbor's cat making this vehicle his house, which he really is doing. No response. (He did not know I was going away, at least not from me.)
Well... the rest of my life is pushing along just fine. But it's back to work on Monday and no one is delivering breakfast in the morning.
Hmmm, that avoidance of dealing with boring junk stuff is familiar in my neck of the woods too. My H is soooooo keen for me to be financially independent and has given me much grief over the issue, yet when I tell him he needs to come to such and such office to sign papers putting the bills in my name, he acts like he is doing ME a huge favour!
All his stuff, bar personal things he needs, is still in the house, one year after separation.
We also had a car that was not fit for the road parked outside our old garage for seven years before H was forced to deal with it when we sold our old place. I decided that since I wasn't responsible for getting it there, it shouldn't be my responsibilty to remove it, so it stayed all those years.
Let me get on to something positive now.... Glad you had a great vacation, I and D are heading out to our long one at the end of next week!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Quote: I decided that since I wasn't responsible for getting it there, it shouldn't be my responsibilty to remove it, so it stayed all those years.
Sheesh! What is it with these people? I actually did get tired of looking at it last fall and attempted to do something, but since he holds the title, was told that he needs to do it. So I gave him the forms I had to file for a new title (claims he lost his original)... all the man needs to do is write a check, put it in the mail and make a phone call. Done.
I have not even nagged... in fact, in three years, I have brought it up exactly 3 times. He brings it up more often.
My H left anything I didn't pack up for him here too, and just stopped contributing to any household bills/mortgage because it was putting a crimp in his lifestyle with OW to meet his legal financial responsibilities. I sometimes get the arrogant "doing you a favor" vibe too. Usually I call him on it because it's such BS... and he responds to that.
It really is fascinating to me how H's view of life is so different these days... like a teenager half the time. I can't imagine I'd have ever even dated someone who acted this way, never mind married them.
My C said something that struck me recently... that I can't expect to follow H's logic (something I do try to do)-- because if you pull apart H's "solutions" by looking at the result he gets, what they say is that he believes marrying me was the big mistake of his life, the one thing that he needs to reverse in order to live a happy life from here on in. This is the exact opposite of what H actually says about our marriage.
Looking at it this way was instructive for me. Because I know H doesn't feel that way. It helps me somehow to find some compassion for someone who is going around solving the wrong problems.
Hmmmm. I don't know what to think in regards to your H and that not driveworthy vehicle. At least Mr. W's is in storage so I don't have to look at it--and it also doesn't have a title.
Quote: And I am so sick of hearing him say he "didn't mean to" do whatever it is he chooses to do or that he will "try" to do something instead of just doing it or that things just "skip his mind". This to me is now like nails on a chalkboard. Which is something I need to get past because sometimes that is legitimate, but right now, there it is.
I'm WONDERING if you really SHOULD get past this? If this were one of my kids and this was standard operating procedure, I would be telling them (which I do): "Sometimes it is not enough just to say I'm sorry and that you didn't mean to do it. If the behavior is repetitive, it is a problem and you are just spewing meaningless words." IOW, I would be following up that statement with the sentiment that it is an excuse.
BTW, to my older audiences, I follow that up with a moral too: Excuses are like A$$holes--everybody has got one!
Why don't these people mean to do these thoughtless things? (I'm not being flippant either.) Why does the world let them get away with this type of response? I know, if we find the solution, we're going to be making a lot of money selling the advice.
I'm really just posing questions aloud and via keyboard--not posing them to you personally, Wonder. But the issue really pisses me off. Mr. W. is not perpetually guilty of this sin, but my brother is, and it irritates the daylights out of me. He points to the environment or the circumstance for the pitfalls in the choices he makes.
Maybe we should lead a throttling class to help all of us deal with these people more effectively? So that we can say, "I can't help it? I didn't mean to hurt you?"
Anyway, sorry for the UGH posting. Welcome back and glad to see you back here.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
But you raise a good point. I shouldn't get past the pattern of it. And for H it has become his whole way of life. That is not something I want to get past. And yeah, I have over and over made the point that it is an excuse, nothing more, that he is in charge of what he chooses to do and not do... it's turned out to be a cheeseless tunnel for me. So now I just reiterate my feelings/boundaries and my requests and leave out the moral of the story. After all, I don't want to be his mom.
But what I need to get past is the nails on chalkboard feeling when I hear the words...because sometimes things really do skip people's minds. The boy who cries wolf no longer gets to have that credibility until he chooses differently, but others do deserve the break now and again.
Things do skip my mind sometimes. I don't use that as an excuse. I really mean it when I say it and I feel bad about it and rectify the situation if I can. But it's not often that it happens. I agree-- saying "sorry" without changing the behavior is pretty meaningless in my book.
Long time no chat!! I'm glad you had a good holiday, could do with one of those myself!
As to the car..... That would just make me angry! But in to end i would simply have it towed to his place! Instead of cluttering up your place why not let him take care of it! Sure it'll cost you a little to get to over there, but hey, then you wouldn't have to look at it! I would leave a note with it, just return this to you, thought you must want it, for sentimental reasons, as you don't seem to be able to get rid of it!......some sort of 180??? or just another of my crazy schemes!!!
Don't worry about your H, let him have his excuses, you just need to know that he is all talk and NO action.
You sound great, so just let that show through and dust him off your shoe!
Welcome back, Wonder! I'm so glad you had a good time south of the border with family! I missed you LOTS.
Re the car, I have to say I agree with Lee. I think that is what I would do. I might warn him (not sure) though. As in: "One week from today I am planning to have your car towed to your house, as I am working on my fresh starts." Or something to that effect. He really should not be leaving it there, and it would be to his advantage to remove it if he wants your respect and friendship.
Anyway, again, welcome back and so glad to see you!
I think that's a good idea-- and one that never crossed my mind! I wonder if someone would tow it for me when it's not mine and without a title? I'll have to explore this a bit.
Quote: He really should not be leaving it there, and it would be to his advantage to remove it if he wants your respect and friendship.
Hmmm. Seems to me there is much he would be doing (and not doing) if he really did want my respect and friendship... ah well. What's a girl to do?
A little addendum here: I was doing my banking today and I noticed that this month, H transferred money for his insurance exactly the way we'd originally discussed-- in 2 payments well before month's end.
In fact, the first one was transferred on the same day we emailed regarding the truck. The other was today. I was really very pleasantly surprised by this, and yes, I did acknowledge it via email.
In fact, I am feeling on the whole very positive and good and non-reactive about where I'm at emotionally these days-- and like I've really shed some fears I've had. So I said a few things.
I included something R-related that I'd just read that I believe he will relate to. No motive here, just read it and it hit me that this could be him, so I wanted him to see it. I thought it over first-- I was very comfortable with my intentions and realized I had no attachment to him having any reaction to it. This surprised me a little.
And... I mentioned I'd been away in Mexico (thus not seeing the transfer till now). I asked how the settlement papers were coming.
There have been times when I would have just written emails without thinking-- sort of what Azure was saying on her thread about being honest without calming down first-- and times when I've been afraid to bring things up even when I have been thinking about them. I think I have finally found the good place-- and it isn't about him.
I think the PMA Queen calls this detachment. Or maybe it's the work I am doing on my own goal setting and boundaries. But it feels very good and healthy. It feels like bubble baths and dancing around the house. Like a tough but rewarding yoga workout.
That's why I'm posting this-- it's more about where I am at than the fact that H decided to respect a boundary he'd been infringing on and act responsible about something he'd been irresponsible about-- but of course, those are positive actions on his part, too.
My eyes are open and I am moving ahead with my life.
Quote: I think the PMA Queen calls this detachment. Or maybe it's the work I am doing on my own goal setting and boundaries. But it feels very good and healthy.
Its a great feeling isn't it?
Its kind of late and have few words, but......
Keep it up there Wonder. I am stumbling a bit as of late, but I do have my eyes forward, ready for that next wave of great PMA.
But I am glad you have it right now!!
Triple J
Things were different then. All is different now. I tried to explain, somehow..........
Eddie Vedder (Pearl Jam)
. Said he'd "try and figure it out soon".
Betsey