Oh, honey! I am just so sorry to hear this terrible news. I honestly don't know what to say that will be of comfort, but I will keep you and your H's family in my prayers. Please know that I am here for you should you need to talk-- or anything else.
(((((((((((Azure)))))))))))))) I am so sorry to read about BIL. This will be a terrible time for H, and will be your turn to give back to him. Men seem to go inside themselves and not want to talk. Try and be there, even when he doesn't think that he needs it. I am grateful that their waiting is over for him and his family. What that must have been like. Pure hell, not knowing, but fearing the worst.
I am sending you knowledge to know what to do, strength to be able to hold up H, and PMA, because he is going to need it from you. I am also sending my prayers that you will be able to focus, and that you will not be reminded of F funeral. (It will be tough to go to one so soon, if you choose to be there.) I'm sorry to read about this Azure. Please know that you are in my thoughts. Hugs to you, Rae Jean P.S. Happy 4th to you? Try and find some joy today. LOL
Dear friends, I am touched by all your support. It really means a lot to me to come here and see all the posts. RJ, that was such a sweet sentiment. Ellie, thanks so much for the reminder on the biological aspects of depression. I sent part of that to H via email and I think it was helpful to him. All of you have been great.
H finally called me yesterday afternoon, he was actually in my area doing errands, and I asked him if he wanted to come over, thinking I could hold him and let him cry. He declined coming over saying he was pressed for time, but said he'd like to call me later. I told him I was going to a party later, but that he should try calling me anyway and I'd call him back. I went to the little birthday party for a couple of hours, which was really nice, small. I alternately was social and then withdrew into myself, feeling almost unbearably sad. Luckily it was outside, with a fire - it is good to have a fire to stare into when you are feeling quiet and emotional.
I didn't want to get home too late in case H called. In fact, he called at 10:30 and I got home at 10:40, so I called him right back. We ended up talking for an hour, and we cried together about Brother. I think H was doing a good job expressing his feelings, and I am glad that others in the family are stepping in so that H doesn't have to do his usual overfunctioning, which I think would be too hard in a case like this. He said his older brother was great when the two of them found Brother, H lost all his strength and had to sit down and cried, and older B comforted him. I am so glad to hear this. When H's dad died, he had to comfort everyone and I think he never really got to grieve. Anyway, we talked about all sorts of stuff, the horrible experience of finding him (although relief in finding him, too, as not knowing is awful), how childlike and sweet Brother was, how he must have suffered from his depression, hoping he is in a better place. H and I both also talked about how freaking hard this year has been! Blow after blow to absorb. I think it was a good talk, it felt like friends.
I feel kind of sad that he doesn't seem to want to see me in person lately, it seems to underscore that he only wants to be friends (which I have come to being more accepting of lately, anyway, having more detachment of my own), but he has definitely been reaching out by phone. He said he wanted to call me first because I knew Brother and understood his intrinsic sweetness and vulnerability.
I have been reading but keeping a silent vigil here since you first reported your BIL missing. I want to offer my sincere condolences.
I don't know if you knew this (I've posted about this before but this doesn't mean you've read it), but I have a younger brother who is manic depressive and a drug addict now to boot. He attempted suicide on Christmas Eve about 20 years ago, and I was the one who found his body.
He lived. But I'm not sure that the 20 years since that day have been worthwhile. That isn't for me to decide or judge. But I've always prayed for my brother to find peace.
What a wonderful person you are to offer your friendship in whatever form your H needs from you right now. For what it's worth, I cannot fathom why he doesn't see the potential of you two working out... you have had a whole lot of loss this past year, and the two of you seem to really come together during those times. That takes strength and character, and I hope his own journey brings him to that exact realization.
In the meantime, I can tell you that your friendship is exactly what he needs. I couldn't discuss my own experience with my family, because they were dealing with their own feelings on what had happened. Looking back, I understand it. But at the time, my family felt that not discussing this issue was the best thing for all of us.
Two years ago, I took the girls home for a visit to my parents house. Something jogged my memory and I began to break down. My mom was horribly concerned and encouraged me to speak up. She and my dad were SHOCKED at the pain that finding my brother brought me--then and now.
I think it would have been so much easier for me had I been encouraged to share my feelings with others who loved my brother. I also believe that I wouldn't have been carrying around the scars and the burden if someone had decided to overcome their fears, just to let me get it out (and I'm not talking a C either... but someone who knew my brother).
If I represent anyone else who might feel that way, I think being his friend is a tremendous gift you can give your H. I know it will be hard--watching someone really grieve is painful--but you might be surprised at the trust you can build by just letting him do it his own way.
Just my two cents worth. My prayers are with you all, and you're an amazing and caring lady.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Having experienced this kind of pain myself in the past I truly know and understand what both you and H are going through. My thoughts are with you both in the pain of suicide and the healing that will be needed - as well as the pain that "only" friendship brings! Please be patient with him and let him work through his grief in his own way. Don't make any snap decision in yet another time of crisis.
I am glad to hear from you! I am glad you went to the party, and I agree with you that fires are meditative, thanks for reminding me.
I know this will be difficult for all of you. Please care for yourself, and be the best friend for H you can. That will be immeasurable to him and you, no matter what happens. and no bad could come of it.
You are in my thoughts. jenhco
Sometimes the lights all shining on me, other times I can barely see. Lately it occurs to me, what a long, strange trip it's been. -- Grateful Dead
Bets, thank you for that beautiful post. You are so eloquent, tears ran down my face as I read it. Jen, Totally, dfb, it really helps to hear from those who have gone through such a thing, it's such madness, such a confusing storm of emotions. It would be anyway, let alone in a sitch where there is DBing to do...
Well, yesterday the highlight of my day was getting together with GBO! We spent hours just talking, talking, talking. It is such a gift to be able to talk in person, and not spend 20 minutes typing out something that transpired in one minute, trying to get all the nuances down. We went out walking in her colorful, delightful city neighborhood, went to the park and watched all the people and dogs and frisbees and soccer balls and ice cream vendors. It was great. Thanks, GBO!
Yesterday I wrote a card to H (I did not hear from him all day, don't know what he was doing) all about his brother. I'll put it in the mail today. I also ordered a b-day present for him that I think he might really like, that should arrive at his house any day (remember, one of his strong LLs is Gifts, something that I apparently didn't do well at - or perhaps, did well at but not often enough). He travels a lot, and loves music, so I got him some noise-blocking headphones, which are really quite amazing. They cancel out all the engine noise on planes, and you can hear the movie or listen to music with total clarity, or you can just put them on to sleep. I hope he likes them.
More nice email exchanges with the musician fellow, and we are maybe going to meet next weekend and go for a drive in the country. Note: I've never met him in person. It seems like he could at least be a good friend.
Hi Azure ~ ((((((((((((((((((((((AZURE)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I was so sorry to hear your news......
I think you have done all the right things to support H in this sitch. I just want to remind you to PLEASE take time to grieve for yourself, too. BIL was part of your life as well so you have also experienced a loss. Take some time to TAKE CARE of yourself too, Azure!!!
Quote: I think it was a good talk, it felt like friends.
I am so glad to hear this. I don't know why H doesn't want to see you in person. Mine has been doing the same thing. I think it is harder for them to deny their feelings when they are right there with us....just my little theory!
I am glad you may meet up with the musician...sounds like a fun diversion!
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
saying he was pressed for time, but said he'd like to call me later. I told him I was going to a party later, but that he should try calling me anyway and I'd call him back. I went to the little birthday party for a couple of hours, which was really nice, small. I alternately was social and then withdrew into myself, feeling almost unbearably sad. Luckily it was outside, with a fire - it is good to have a fire to stare into when you are feeling quiet and emotional.
