Dear friends, I am touched by all your support. It really means a lot to me to come here and see all the posts. RJ, that was such a sweet sentiment. Ellie, thanks so much for the reminder on the biological aspects of depression. I sent part of that to H via email and I think it was helpful to him. All of you have been great.

H finally called me yesterday afternoon, he was actually in my area doing errands, and I asked him if he wanted to come over, thinking I could hold him and let him cry. He declined coming over saying he was pressed for time, but said he'd like to call me later. I told him I was going to a party later, but that he should try calling me anyway and I'd call him back. I went to the little birthday party for a couple of hours, which was really nice, small. I alternately was social and then withdrew into myself, feeling almost unbearably sad. Luckily it was outside, with a fire - it is good to have a fire to stare into when you are feeling quiet and emotional.

I didn't want to get home too late in case H called. In fact, he called at 10:30 and I got home at 10:40, so I called him right back. We ended up talking for an hour, and we cried together about Brother. I think H was doing a good job expressing his feelings, and I am glad that others in the family are stepping in so that H doesn't have to do his usual overfunctioning, which I think would be too hard in a case like this. He said his older brother was great when the two of them found Brother, H lost all his strength and had to sit down and cried, and older B comforted him. I am so glad to hear this. When H's dad died, he had to comfort everyone and I think he never really got to grieve. Anyway, we talked about all sorts of stuff, the horrible experience of finding him (although relief in finding him, too, as not knowing is awful), how childlike and sweet Brother was, how he must have suffered from his depression, hoping he is in a better place. H and I both also talked about how freaking hard this year has been! Blow after blow to absorb.
I think it was a good talk, it felt like friends.

I feel kind of sad that he doesn't seem to want to see me in person lately, it seems to underscore that he only wants to be friends (which I have come to being more accepting of lately, anyway, having more detachment of my own), but he has definitely been reaching out by phone. He said he wanted to call me first because I knew Brother and understood his intrinsic sweetness and vulnerability.