I'm back! (And feeling quite honored to have my own mini- space on your thread, too!). I'll start a new thread and not hijack yours... in short, fabulous time, lovely scenery (including the muscled arms), no new lover.
I am so sorry to hear about H's brother. You are all in my thoughts.
I hardly know what to respond to... so much has been going on over here! And this thread is just really interesting. I, too, can relate SO MUCH to your H's email and yours... and the emotions you're experiencing.
Quote: In the past, I generally thought it was best to respond out of my “pure” emotions, that that was more honest, now I have come to see the value of waiting til I’m in a better space, which as just as honest but less likely to provoke the other person or lead me into craziness.
Boy, can I relate to this specifically. In fact... I winced when I read what your H said about you getting angry when he tried to explain his feelings of unhappiness... that sure was me-- at first, and in a few slip ups along the way.
What's really hard about this is when they are using as reasons of why they are unhappy things that seem so off the wall or are things that are impressions of things they thought you wanted that never really entered your mind (these 2 examples are mine). That's generally when I fail to keep it together.
GBO and others really hit it on the head I think... I too suspect he is not quite sure what his discontent is really about and that is why it's hard to communicate it beyond "unhappy". Also that the guilt factor is extremely powerful.
The guilt piece seems to play a big part in their staying at arms length even while seeing the changes in our reactions or our responses to their valid concerns-- and acknowledging them. My H once told me, back when he was really talking to me a lot, that he feared being unhappy again... he's since told me he still isn't happy and feels he may never find lasting happiness. While I believe that feeling comes from insisting on looking outside himself to get it, this gave me a bit of perspective that maybe he really has convinced himself it's "out there" somewhere and that he it's not something he makes but something he stumbles upon while walking around.
On the best days, I know that people who hurt their spouses this deeply are suffering pretty badly themselves. I guess we grow with empathy, honesty with ourselves, but not falling into "idiot compassion" as Pema Chodron calls it.
I'm so impressed by the way you handle yourself with these revelations... growth, growth, growth. Hope I can fit into your shoes soon.
Take care girl. I need to get some sleep...still jet lagged.
