((((((((Azure)))))))))) What a weekend to get info like that. Maybe it will help you to focus somewhere else, instead of on father. Wish we could help find the brother. Know that my prayers are with you and your H. Arms around, Rae Jean
I'm back! (And feeling quite honored to have my own mini- space on your thread, too!). I'll start a new thread and not hijack yours... in short, fabulous time, lovely scenery (including the muscled arms), no new lover.
I am so sorry to hear about H's brother. You are all in my thoughts.
I hardly know what to respond to... so much has been going on over here! And this thread is just really interesting. I, too, can relate SO MUCH to your H's email and yours... and the emotions you're experiencing.
Quote: In the past, I generally thought it was best to respond out of my “pure” emotions, that that was more honest, now I have come to see the value of waiting til I’m in a better space, which as just as honest but less likely to provoke the other person or lead me into craziness.
Boy, can I relate to this specifically. In fact... I winced when I read what your H said about you getting angry when he tried to explain his feelings of unhappiness... that sure was me-- at first, and in a few slip ups along the way.
What's really hard about this is when they are using as reasons of why they are unhappy things that seem so off the wall or are things that are impressions of things they thought you wanted that never really entered your mind (these 2 examples are mine). That's generally when I fail to keep it together.
GBO and others really hit it on the head I think... I too suspect he is not quite sure what his discontent is really about and that is why it's hard to communicate it beyond "unhappy". Also that the guilt factor is extremely powerful.
The guilt piece seems to play a big part in their staying at arms length even while seeing the changes in our reactions or our responses to their valid concerns-- and acknowledging them. My H once told me, back when he was really talking to me a lot, that he feared being unhappy again... he's since told me he still isn't happy and feels he may never find lasting happiness. While I believe that feeling comes from insisting on looking outside himself to get it, this gave me a bit of perspective that maybe he really has convinced himself it's "out there" somewhere and that he it's not something he makes but something he stumbles upon while walking around.
On the best days, I know that people who hurt their spouses this deeply are suffering pretty badly themselves. I guess we grow with empathy, honesty with ourselves, but not falling into "idiot compassion" as Pema Chodron calls it.
I'm so impressed by the way you handle yourself with these revelations... growth, growth, growth. Hope I can fit into your shoes soon.
Take care girl. I need to get some sleep...still jet lagged.
Azure, just dropping by to say hello. Have you talked to your H lately? The guilt is eating him up. I feel I'm in the same sitch except I have no contact. I don't understand that if they feel so guilty why not try to make up for it instead going on with it with someone else.
I wish they could accept our forgiveness and come back. My W doesn't seem to believe anything I have told her.
Cherished BB friends, Thank you all SO much for your thoughts and prayers re BIL and Father's Day. It means a lot to me. Ugh, BIL has been missing for a week today. There is no news. He has been declared a missing person since last Wednesday. He does not have the money to hole up in a hotel or anything. H drove up to B's rural town (he wanted to so by himself so I just stood by ready to help) and asked around, the police know he’s missing and are looking. I feel so bad for H and his family. It is excruciating not knowing where BIL is and if he is ok or not. I talked to MIL on Saturday. Each day that goes by makes it seem worse. I had high hopes he would be located on the weekend. I kept my cellphone on and with me always to be ready to help.
My first Father’s Day without Dad: One of my best friends invited me to her house for the day. We went berry-picking at a farm and came home and made pies. It was fun and relaxing and distracting from worries about BIL and sadness about Dad. Thank God for friends! Here, and in the real world.
Btw, I probably won’t be able to post much Tuesday and Wednesday -- we have an offsite job training all day both days. So don’t worry if you don’t hear from me. But please, all , keep those prayers and good thoughts coming for BIL.
PS. Wonder! So glad to see you back! I missed you, and am glad you had fun running off with the muscular Mexican. Oh! I mean with your family. Sad - thanks for finding me! Thesane1, Nice to see you again, Sue. I liked your cake and cherry analogy and agree with you there. Also, thanks for the link, I first read that about a month ago, on Lights thread, and found it really grounding and helpful.
I hope all is well, and I wonder where you are.
analogy and agree with you there. Also, thanks for the link, I first read that about a month ago, on Lights thread, and found it really grounding and helpful.