Quote: It’s interesting, though, to keep in mind what I read recently in the Harriet Lerner book, Fear and Other Uninvited Guests -- something to the effect that when you find yourself “overfocusing” on someone else, it’s a sign of your own anxiety. (She doesn’t say this judgmentally).
I really needed to hear this, Azure. Thank you so much. Hope you don't mind: I'm going to post this blurb on my thread so I have it to remind me.
NSN My current thread LUVR ... Listen, Understand, Validate, and Respond
I wanted to post this section on LRT from JamesJohn to remind myself:
Quote: It's when "going dark" isn't merely done to prove to your partner that their life will SUCK without you, while you're hanging around for them to "wake up", to call or show up to profess their undying love for you. It's when you can use the "dark" times to work on yourself, and take a much needed break from the chaos. When you can re-center yourself UPON yourself, and not them or your relationship with them.
It's when you are no longer willing to put your life on hold while you are "waiting" for your partner to "recover" from their MLC, depression, an on-going affair, their lack of love for you, or whatever. You realize that you are in charge of your own life, that YOU are responsible for YOU, and you don't have to sit around in limbo until THEY change. You totally quite playing the "blame game". It's when you realize that you are not a "victim" to what life deals to you.
It's when the dreaded word "divorce" no longer sends your heart racing and mind reeling. After all, most of us are in a position where our relationships ain't too great right now, or could be a helluva lot better. Wouldn't you really love to "divorce" yourself from THAT relationship, and start a new one with your partner that's even better than what you could ever hope or imagine?
It's when you realize that your partner is a flesh and blood human being, that they have their own faults, doubts, demons, and fears, just the same as you. When you can begin to let go of trying to control the way they think and feel. When you learn to let them "own" their thoughts and feelings without assuming that YOU are responsible for, or have control over, those thoughts and feelings. When you can not necessarily "understand" them, but truly "accept" them.
It's when you can learn to be humble enough to admit that maybe this really ISN'T all about you, and you can stop taking all of your partner's actions and moods personally. When you can let them talk to you, vent their anger, thoughts, and feelings to you, without you feeling that it's all your fault, and that you can "fix" it, and that you can make it all better. Or that they really WANT you to make it all better. Or, that you even have the power to do that.
It's when you stop trying to "push" or "pull" your partner back into the relationship with you, and begin to "draw" them back to you. When you strive to become an irresistible magnet that no person can stop from being attracted to. Someone that makes a positive difference in the lives of everyone they touch. Someone that can make your partner feel that their lives are less joyful, less fulfilling, if they decide to spend it apart from you, to not have you near them. That you are someone that can add meaning to their lives just by knowing you. That can be an example of being the best that you can be.
Azure, I'm glad that you feel ready to move on. We don't feel left behind, only happy for you! Everyone has said such wonderful comments to you. Like Jenhoco, I don't have much to add, except don't forget the ones behind, K? LOL to you, as you focus on you, and your sitch. Have a great weekend, and I hope the sun is shining for you. Hugs to you! Rae Jean
Hi again, I posted to you a while back and then when I got round to coming on here again ( When H is out the way ) , your sitch had all changed.
I'm sorry you have had this change, whilst I was seperated from H I dreaded every visit in case he was to drop another bomb on me and tell me he had met someone else, I used top sit and work out what I would say and how I would handle it. Not sure if when reality it really happens wether you can follow your head instead of your emotions though.
I always planned that I would never let it affect what I was doing because I decided, FOR ME, that no matter what, I was going to be his friend with no expectations.
Because at the end of the day I had to face reality that we had BOTH messed up and I couldn't punish him for that.
I think when you decide to stay freinds because you want to, rather than it being a means to get them to return it becomes a little easier to stay friends. Think of H's return as a Cherry on top!!! you have the cake already though.
Now the cake. The cake is YOUR LIFE!!! its yours and it needs to be happy, yes you would like the cherry but for now you have the cake, eat and enjoy!!! ( See you got me doing anolgy now)
I think your H knows he still has his cherry, he knows he can put that cherry straight back on his cake whenever he so wants to, and you know what, its funny, but when we can have a cherry, by golly we are happy with just the cake!!! as long as the cherry is there we dont mind if we have it or not.
Azure, I think you need to be a bit more un available, mysterious, like your truly moving on without him. Let him wonder wether he has lost his cherry (ooops ) excuse that frase
Its so difficult. Im not sure if you have ever read this post I am going to link. I found it when I first came here, I cant even remeber where!! But I read it every day and night and it helped me so much, it dos the rounds on the BB ever now and then, but you do need to read it a few times, it kind of sinks in bit by bit.
Hey Azure ~ CONGRATS on the move and the new attitude!!!!!
I LOVE what you posted from JJ...thanks!!!
I am glad that you are embarking on a friendship with H...I hope to parallel your journey but I am not sure my sitch has progressed as far as yours has!
Looking forward to your updates!
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
I love the "ongoing technique" I have read it many times, and even sent it to Sil so she would understand things better. It is even greater the more you feel it!
I can feel you growing, and I am not where you are, but I seem to have pains with the growing also. Do for you, have you went out lately? Get out of the house!
Thinking of you jenhoco
Sometimes the lights all shining on me, other times I can barely see. Lately it occurs to me, what a long, strange trip it's been. -- Grateful Dead
Will definitely be checking in on you over here, Azure. Don't be afraid to post those quotations from JJ or the various books you are reading.....real food for thought on issues that are important to all of us, like fear and anxiety, expectations v. detachment, is friendship possible/desirable, etc. etc. etc.
GBO, Jen, Was so good to see you here this morning. I am feeling very worried. H told me yesterday that his very depressed brother has not been seen since Monday. We fear the worst. I am standing by to see what I can do...
, your sitch had all changed.
