S’s room was a pretty blue and is now a tan. I’m going to try to pull off an outdoor theme. Bought a moose and bear stamp, also have a bear paw stencil and a pinecone stencil. Will try to do a border of pinecones or the animals. H has some deer horns that I was going to use as curtain rods or window borders..grand ideas don’t know what I’ll be able to pull off though.
Yesterday as I was getting ready to take S to daycare I found a copied map on the counter with writing on it, it was OW’s handwriting and it was a map of fishing spots for H to use on Saturday in his tournament. Well you can imagine what started going through my mind, “was she with him last weekend” and marked off spots for H? And why is she writing on maps and giving them to H. Well I debated and called H and asked him about it.
I asked him who’s map it was, was she helping him fish and I recognized her handwriting. H seemed confused at first and then said a guy she works with marked off the map and he didn’t know who’s handwriting it was that maybe he told OW what to write. H said she doesn’t know anything about fishing, the guys she works with do. I said I’m sorry to bring it up but it was laying on the counter and I saw it. You shouldn’t let that kind of stuff lay around for me to see becuasse I'm going to say something. I then asked if OW had stuff of mine laying around her house? I mean come on.
H then said I told you I’m still going back and forth and I’ll keep going back and forth until one of you gets sick of it. I said well I’m not going to be sick of it because WE ARE married. H then said he’s exhausted, no wonder I’m so tired, I’m sick of this. I said you’ve been saying that since last September. H said I know, but I’m sick of this and I’m going to do something!
He then went on to say that he lived with her for nine months, how he has feelings for her he doesn’t want to be mean to her, she’s nice to him, is always doing stuff for him. H said she knows what I need before I even do! She lives way out in the country by herself, I'm sure she's got a good sob story going that she tells my H to make him feel sorry for her. H also said that he doesn’t want to be mean to me either..which was kind of interesting. I told H I understand he was having a hard time, validated him. I asked H how long this OW thing was going to go and what if it’s three years? Well it won’t I’m sick of it. I said what if it was me with another man and H said I would have dumped you right away. I said is that what you were hoping I would have done? H said not necessarily.
I then said you are her life H, she has nothing else. Does she have a child? No, but I do and if I didn’t then I’d be able to devote all my time to you (thinking to myself, well not ALL of it, but more). He then said he has to “ask me” to do things. I’m thinking what is so wrong about having to ask. When I am asked I help out, always have always will. Sometimes I anticipate and think ahead.
H then said the night of the storm he felt so F***** bad that he was at OW’s, thought to himself what the F*** am I doing here and that you and S were here without me and would I be smart enough to take S to the basement and on and on. I said I remember S was scared wished you were here.
H then said OW wants to take him on some grand trip for his 50th birthday, it’s in December, so if he’s not around that’s who he’s with. I said how do you know I don’t have plans for you and H said “well you don’t” I said it’s six months away! I said if she’s thinking that far ahead then she obviously knows something I don’t. I asked H if OW had bought the tickets yet and H said no he wouldn’t LET her buy them.
He then said OW wanted to buy a boat, wanted to the buy the boat for H? I said why did she sell the one she had? H said he didn’t know, she flipped out and now thinks she wants a boat. I said she wants a boat to be with you. I mean what is wrong with this woman anyways, she’s trying to spend all her life insurance money from her deceased H on my H. H said she really didn’t get as much as he thought she had and that she’s already spent a good chunk of it on house remodeling. H told if she was buying a boat that it didn’t mean he was going to move back there or to think that he was going to move back. H also told her to keep that money in cased she needed it for something down the road, to not spend her money on him. I remember H used to joke to me years ago that it would be nice to have a woman buy HIM things...be careful what you wish for isn't that the saying??
H told me that he’s told her to move on, to find somebody else, but she won’t she keeps pursuing him(my words). I said what do you tell her about us? He paused and didn’t really answer, OW more than likely thinks he’s here for S, that he’s not happy with me. H asked me if I thought he was here for S? I said no I don’t think YOU are! H said yes I am. I said I really don’t think you are. If I’m reading into this question correctly, H and I haven’t been doing anything together recently, in fact for a long time, so maybe I need to plan a few dates for us. Or maybe it was just H trying to convince himself that he only is here for our S.
At that point H had to hang up as he was busy at work. I started to spiral, get upset but got on the treadmill, told myself come on Cathy, remember yesterday when you were watching the Banger Sisters you started crying during that too. Brought back old memories…no I wasn’t a groupie, just fun things I used to do. Told myself my emotions are really close to the top lately and this is just another one of those things that makes me emotional. I quickly recovered and didn’t “go there” and started to think of all the positives from our conversation, from the last few weeks and am thinking H is stuck and can’t get rid of OW so he’s not doing anything.
Also the fact that the call was from home, I wasn’t at work, was able to do something to stop the “crazies” from coming helped tremendously.
As I was driving to meet my friend P, something from the our conversation bugged me. When H told me OW was planning a trip, going to buy a boat I told H “I can’t compete with that” well why should I have to compete with that and I’m not going to compete. I wanted to call H to retract the statement, but for some reason didn’t.
As I was getting closer to P’s house, H called me to tell me he could pick S up tonight. He could take S with him on his errands and then go out to eat. Then asked me if I was going to be back and did I want to eat. I told H I would be back in time to eat, that I was just golfing and then stopping to visit H’s parents for a bit who I haven’t seen in awhile. I did tell H I wanted to retract the statement about competing. That I wasn’t going to compete, that I shouldn’t have to compete and he either liked me or he didn’t, that it wasn’t a competition. H said that’s what I told OW too, this isn’t a competition.
We went to dinner at Red Lobster, what a treat, with S’s. H finished getting ready for his trip, put S to bed, and H and I went to bed. H and I ml and H reached out to me to say goodnight and give me a kiss..this is also something that H hasn’t done in quite a while..reached out to me first.
Quote: H then said I told you I’m still going back and forth and I’ll keep going back and forth until one of you gets sick of it.
I think that says it all. Your H is admitting he gets his cake and eats it too. Have you read the book by James Dobson, "Love Must Be Tough?"
I think your H would come around and respect you more if you gave him some boundaries of what you will and won't accept. You can either tell him or email him, or show it through your actions.....Get a life, act as if everything is fine, don't show jealousy, don't be so available, don't answer all calls, let your H see that he could be loosing you, etc....
I bet if your H sensed he could lose you then he would start pursuing you. Do you have any male friends that could start calling the house more?
It's easier to look at someone else's sitch and view it objectively, compared to looking at our own sitch's. I definately speak from experience.
It is great that your H is home with you and not with OW. I think the more OW pursues your H and the less you pursue H, the better.
Quote: Quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- H then said I told you I’m still going back and forth and I’ll keep going back and forth until one of you gets sick of it. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Quote: I think that says it all. Your H is admitting he gets his cake and eats it too. Have you read the book by James Dobson, "Love Must Be Tough?"
I agree with nikatnight, it's time for some "tough love". If you haven't read this book......try it. It just may help you with a different approach for your H.....with some different results.
You and your H have been dancing to the same tune for quite some time now. (I've been following your posts for awhile). I love to read about saved marriages and kept following in hopes that yours will be one.
I feel for you Cathy, your H doesn't sound like an easy individual to live with, MCL or not! It seems as if you're always on eggshells when he's around, always careful not to "upset the applecart". That's no way to live.
I have been where you are about the "competing" thing with an OW too. I DB'd my butt off, I validated, listend and used every ounce of patience I had. Then enough became enough for me. My self-respect finally had enough and I told my H that if I wanted competition, I would join a beauty pageant! I made the decision for him. He was free to have his OW, I was stepping out of the picture, he wasn't having his cake and eating it too at my table any longer! I made the decision to just let go of the marriage.
We made it to one mediation session to start our divorce proceedings and within 24 hours of the session, my H wanted to save our marriage. He was now the one begging and pleading! We've been back together now for 1 1/2 years.
I'm not saying that your "tough love" approach will yield the same results, but you will at least have saved some dignity.
This is just my 2 cents, take it for what you will.
Good luck to you Cathy! You have a TREMENDOUS amount of will and patience and I give you tons of credit. I believe you are an angel in disguise
I like what you said about not competing with the Ow. She is doing just that - she is trying to buy your H's affections and attention. If he needs it pointed out to him again, you were right when you said that he is her life. She has noone else relying on her (you do), she has more expendable income since she lives alone (you don't), etc, etc.
I think you do a great job of living your own life.
Maybe planning a special trip for the two of you is a good idea. Ever thought of doing a fly-in fishing trip? I can give you some names of places you would enjoy too. He would love that wouldn't he? And just think - no cell phones will work up there - it would be just the two of you.....
Do it sooner than later. Also, I would tell H that you think that for his 50th birthday that you think he needs to be home with his family. Tell him that it is really presumptuous of OW to plan an event at a time when family should come first....
I still think that your H is making those ever-so-tiny steps back toward you. THink about it - he initiated the hug last week, the good night kiss last night - what could be next?
Now you initiate some things for the two of you. The trip would be a biggie. How about setting up your bedroom with some new candles, a romantic or raunchy DVD (hey you never know - LOL!) and a cool beverage, some strawberries and chocolate....
(I might have to do that too - come to think of it!)
Hang in there girlfriend - you are awesome!
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
I agree with totite that your H is inching his way towards you. Stay the course but only if you want to. You have been through so much and have shown how strong, determined and patient you are.
Quote: I think you do a great job of living your own life.
I agree....you're independent, smart, social AND also value family.
Maybe he is cake eating/fence sitting but the tone of his voice was not that of a happy person, more of a person stuck in his own trap.
Quote: I think the more OW pursues your H and the less you pursue H, the better.
We have been getting along much better and yesterday it was a little too much even for me. I do need to back off and not PURSUE H, just be his friend. Gave me money before he left, H hasn't done that since last summer either. I gave him some snacks to take along with him in his boat today and H even tried to fix our lawnmower before he left yesterday to go fishing. Hmmmm...usually he's in such a hurry to go and yesterday it was like he could care less. It was all of a sudden no big deal, this fishing thing.
My actions do speak "I have a life" and the acting as if is who I am now. The "I have a life" actions are what got me in trouble to begin with, I had too much of a life and not enough time for H. Didn't give him enough attention, affection so I have to watch this a little bit. H knows I'm very capable of having my own life and getting along without him.
In the last few months, my family has become really imporant to me, my two sons and spending time with them. They are my priority as is my H, but my H can't have things both ways forever. At some point H WILL have to choose whether he wants to or not.
I just put the order in for Dr. Dobson's book along with a few others relating to brining up boys and a strong willed child. Yep I have a S4 with an attitude all his own and such a level headed, smart SS20 who is wise beyond his years.
I'm not quite at the point where I want to walk or make a decision for H, but this can't go on forever, that I do know.
I'll have to check your thread, thanks for stopping by.
An Angel in disguise I don't know about that, but I do have angels all around me.
I just don’t know what’s gotten into the both of us anymore. We’re both talking like we have a future together. We’re making plans for more than a few days out, H is telling me his plans and I’m listening. That was yesterday.
I’m getting confused, forgetting we have a “problem” in our life. H’s mood is good, he even said “I need to wean myself” or should I say mumbled something like that, I’m sure he was referring to OW. Maybe he’s seeing that that R is going nowhere or maybe he’s “awakening” some, I really don’t know, but the baby steps are there, the STEPS are there and noticeable.
He’s admitting how tired he is, how exhausting his life is, that he knows why it’s so tiring, the RUNNING as he refers to it. He admitted yesterday he is just beat, his body feels beaten and he is TIRED.
Last night at dinner, I noticed him looking at me, just looking at me and then I averted my eyes and looked up again and he was watching S and smiling.
He’s flirty with me, he’s talking to me like a real person, we’re having small real conversations. Oh there are moments like last night when I was trying to cook dinner, bathe S and help H on the computer. I was being pulled three different ways, I am a multitasker so was handling it well till H said “is the chicken burning?” as he was sitting at the computer and I was in the bathroom with S. He did start to get up, but I ran to get it off the stove and made the comment that I’m doing three different things and H said “that’s your job” it kind of ticked me off a little, but then reminded myself, for now, I'm doing this for the Lord. H has always been this way, so it really doesn't come as a surprise, just something to think about for now. Don’t want to upset the applecart too soon, so will keep it in my “to do” file for later. I’m reading M/V want to finish the book, absorb the book so I know what I’m doing, what I’m dealing with. I’ve never entered the male mind and it’s interesting to read what it’s all about. The female mind is even more interesting.
Last night H and S went to bed at the same time, early! I had time to read, relax and after the day I had with our S. He’s a strong willed, independent, feisty little guy and there are days it takes all my strength to keep from…well I won’t even go there, he is a challenge. That time to myself was a gift from my H, it’s little things like that give me the strength to deal with our S, with my life, with our R. Even though H more than likely doesn’t realize he gave me a gift, I think a thank you is in order. A thank you for being a wonderful father to our S and that by taking S to bed with H, for whatever reason, it ended up being a gift of time for me.
