Good evening all,

Had a good day today. Arts and craft fair, sat at the local park for about hour just reading and then went to Target to purchase some things I needed. Got home H was working on his boat, S was sleeping.

Said hello to H, H said hi back. Asked him about some fishing lures he had in his boat and how he doesn't ever use them and he showed me what he should do to them to make the work better. H told me he went to his parent's house, they had some storm damage in town but nothing at his parents. H's good friend found out at he has postate cancer. This man has been to death's door once before and through one health problem after another and now he has prostate cancer. The man is 45, has had both hips replaced before he was 40, back problems and now this...for some reason I have a feeling he's going to pull through this too.

H said he stopped at our friends house while he was in town. P and D are going through marriage problems, D purchased a Harley the same day my H bought his bass boat, but they were out on the Harley. H hasn't stopped at their house in AGES.

Almost forgot, when I called H this morning he was out on the lake fishing. I said good morning, he said good morning back, his voice was dead, no emotion. I'm beginning to think this guy is depressed again or worse or whatever.

I've been really struggling these last few days, can't quite figure out what is keeping me stuck. For some reason I feel like I'm back at the beginning of this nightmare, can't shake the mood, it's like a heavy weight is on me, something is not letting me think clearly about things, I keep flashing back to last spring when this all started. I've been praying a lot today, putting the focus on me, trying to clear my mind of all the cobwebs, it helps, but then I regress again, like right now, just can't shake the thoughts that have been playing in my mind or this heaviness. I really believe that Satan is giving it is ALL right now! REALLY pushing to make this marriage fall apart. Today I was thinking that maybe H isn't the one I'm supposed to be with, that this marriage wasn't mean to be in the first place and it was just a huge mistake...see these are the kind of thoughts I've been having.

I was coming in from outside right behind H and what does he do he closes the door in my face...I ASSumed he knew I was right behind him and said something to him about it when I got in the house...how rude. This is the kind of crapp his pulls. Or maybe he's so absorbed that he doesn't realize it...nahh he doesn't do it to our S.

A few weeks ago H came home with a food container from OW, it was in H's lunchbox and he put in our refrigerator as there was still some pineapple in it. At first I didn't know what to do, then decided to mix the pineapple with cottage cheese and ate that, put the container in the dishwasher and stuck in the cupboard. I was thinking I'd put my name on it and let H return it to her I think it was one of the nights H was at OW's that I threw it in the recycling,covered it with something, too. Well this morning H asks me why I threw that "plastic container in the recycling" I said the lid didn't fit on it...H said "was it because it was from someone elses house!" I mean WTF--BUT as of right now it's still in the recycling....I don't want the darn thing.

One other thing, was wondering if H treats OW the way he treats me? I know it doesn't matter, but it would maybe give me some kind of sick comfort to know that he was just as rude/mean to her as he is to me. Or does he treat her differently, respect her and show concern, sympathy, compassion for her fears of H not returning to HER, of her being alone and not knowing how to handle things. Does he HUG her and KISS her the way he should his wife, does he treat her like he should treat a wife, someone he's married to? Just some rambling thoughts.

Good night.

Cathy