The game was outdoors, we were 15 rows behind homeplate. Thankfully we only had to sit in the sun a short time otherwise it would have been a long game.
Your H plays softball? My H doesn't anymore, but my four brothers still do, they're all in their 40's!! I don't know what they're going to do when they can no longer play.
Quote: I know you're familiar with my sitch currently but I thought I'd highlight that a hurdle for me early on was getting over the "fact" that h is never going to "work on" our M. in the manner that I thought was necessary -- R talks, MC maybe, R books, etc. Simple fact is that he doesn't process stuff the way that I do...and once I was able to accept that AND the limbo that it felt as though it represented...well, I don't know, I was able to see and feel more appreciative of the way he DOES process things. Now, this is not a perfect process for me, of course...
This got my attention this morning and is something for me to remember. That H IS different from me. I'm just beginning to see/know my H as a person and will continue to work on getting to know my H as the individual that he is.
Thanks Sage...this makes so much sense and is an "ahh haa" moment for me.
Well S and I didn't go boating last night, it was pretty wavey and I don't think we would have enjoyed the ride too much. S and I hung out at the boat launch for awhile. There was a gravel walkway that S found rocks on and was throwing them into the water, we watched H head out with his boat and then went to my sister's who doesn't live to far away.
Hung out there, got in the car there were two missed calls from H. Tried to call H back but he didn't pick up, it was about five minutes after his call.
Got home, H showed up not too long after that. I helped him park his boat in the garage. Our vehicles are outside for now. In the past I would have been pissy about my car sitting outside over night and now it's like "was I really like that" and "what for?" Well I know why, just to be pissy! The winter is when I want my car in the garage as does H and we do have another garage that we can store the boat in for the winter.
H was worried about S4's bike being where it was, so I said I'll move this stuff and I heard H mumble "and I'll move too" which I ignored and continued on about what I was doing. I'm beginning to ASSume that when he says stuff like this, OW is doing some pursuing or could be H is feeling some guilt?
I do know that H hasn't been out drinking, let's see it'll be two weeks this coming Friday which is great, but on the other hand maybe he's feeling the "need."
I think he's getting into one of his "moods" and it's raining today. Soooo will think positive, no expectations, focus on the good stuff happening in my life and just go with the flow.
Evening Update, should have known, felt it and knew it was coming.
No contact with H today. I did leave him a nice vm just saying hi which he never returned, but didn't think he would either so no expectation.
Get home from work boat is gone. So figure H is out on the lake. About 8ish storm warnings come on, the phone rings and it's H.
H: Just wanted to let you know I'm not on the lake
His voice is so quiet, emotionless is more the word.
M: Good I'm glad you're not on the lake, there are storm warnings out and I have to get Son out of tub. , I'm at OW's (the town OW is from is what he says, doesn't say OW's name at all), BUT he's calling from her house which is a FIRST.
H:yes get him out of the tub, same flat emotionless voice.
M: Are you coming home?
H: I don't know?
M: Were you on the lake at all?
H: Yes for awhile.
M: So you don't know if you're coming home?
H: I don't know.
M: Can I park my car in the garage then...yeah I said that..H said that's fine I'll move it if I come home.
H hangs up without saying goodbye or anything.
S and I go to the basement, it was kind of scary, but it blew over. Came back up stairs, I actually get down on my knees (I don't do this very often either) and start to pray and the phone rings it's H.
H: Are you okay? M: Yes, but it was scarey for awhile. Are you coming home? Do you have your boat inside? H left the cover for it here. H: No. M: I heard background noise and ask H who's there and H said it's the TV. H. I called to see if you were okay. And then H just hangs up on me, again.
S grabbed extension a few times and H wouldn't say a word until I could get the other phone from S4.
The whole conversation was H with his emotionless voice.
So what is up and why did he go there? I have no idea, BUT H called me from OW's twice to make sure we were okay? WHAT THE? He hasn't called me from there since last summer. I can count on one hand the number of times he's called me from OW's.
So I am big time, will go to bed and wait to hear from H in the morning.
I'm kind of pissed in away, like WHAT THE and why and WHY was he at OW's?. H wasn't drinking either. His voice sounded terrible I had to ask him what was wrong at one point and he just said he called to see if we were okay.
argghhh...that he's sitting there with OW having a grand ole time...okay maybe he's not, but why or why and WHAT THE and I'm going to bed now...
Is the point where you give up and say enough is enough? I'm questioning my sanity today.
H calls this morning bright and early, asks for me by name? WHAT THE! I answered the phone!! I don't even ask how he is just "what's up" H wanted to know how my day is going so far? Well considering I had just gotten up my day had barely begun. His isn't going very well, his truck broke down on the way to work. Hehehehehehe...the Lord is good. H wasn't even all pissed off and mad about it, which is strange. We talked about the storm last night, he had just spoke with his brother from his home town and wanted to be sure his parents were okay. Well the storm went through last night, not this morning, and H is JUST calling his brother to see how things are up there? I then told H I talked to S20 and that he was okay, also. H didn't even think to call S20 to see if he was okay.
I suppose he had his fix last night and now he's back in sync or feels balanced again, I just don't get it and it's not for me to get either, just have patience.
Why does he call me immediately after a night with OW and then he's happy again?
I know, I know I shouldn't question or wonder, but the whole thing last night with him calling, the flat emotionless voice and then this morning the real H is back? Who is the real H these days anyways?
Remember the show to tell the truth? I think I'm the contestant and there are three guys who claim to be my H.
Oh, but I don't have an H right now do I? This guy is my friend and I should have no other expectations of this friend of mine. Actually the way I feel about H these days is that he's my teenage son and that this boy/man has to figure his life out for himself.
I'm on a vent this morning. This man is the most selfish person I know right now, he doesn't even thank me for the things I do for him, his laundry, his dinners, his food, anything at all. If he needs something than I'm his servant. Mom/Cathy do this/do that..why's that dishrag on the table? Why's this here, you know you left that there..but can he pick anything up no, has to point the things out so that I can do them for him as he sitting on the couch with his remote in hand!!!
ARGGHHH! This morning driving into work I WAS blasting H in my head. I could really tell him a few things right now! The nerve, the gall, the insanity of this whole thing.
Then I was thinking about everybody else here and how my pity party was just with me. How everyone here is struggling just as much as I am and that this world is full of problems worse than the one I'm in. Satan is really pushing hard and DA** SATAN to HE!!
Cathy (I am insane aren't I?) I mean I could just spit fire right about now.
Just one more thing, guess where H's boat is this morning???!!! At OW's I'm sure, stored in OW's garage and I'm sure she's telling everyone she works with that my H's boat is stored in her garage because my H can't find his way home at night!!!!!! Did I mention that I'm sick of this!!
I'm right with you!!! Questioning sanity and wondering wtf am I doing this for!
Then I remember, he seems to be slooooooowly coming back. Suggesting plans with kids, me. I think we are like the card with the cat hanging on to a limb. We need to keep on hanging on. Tie a knot at the end of the rope and dangle for awhile longer.
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
Yes there are the steps closer and I do have to remember those, but that H called me from OW's last night is a new twist in the sitch.
There's something that I'm missing, something I'm not getting about those calls last night. In a way it was like H was reaching out to me, silenting pleading for me to save him, yet there's nothing I could have done...is there?
Need to just sit for awhile and not feel, think anything.
Wow, Sounds like there is more storming than just the weather....
I am glad you and your family are safe.
As I read your posts, patterns are definatly there.
Quote: Why does he call me immediately after a night with OW and then he's happy again?
What could be a 180 here? Maybe not take his calls after a night of not being home? Throw him off balance. It seems like he is looking for that peace from you. He KNOWS he did something wrong and is sending out the feeler to see your reaction. You are there, talking to him about the weather etc. What if YOU took a day to be within yourself without taking his calls?
Quote: I'm questioning my sanity today
I am here with you on this one! I some times think that I have totally lost my mind. Or that maybe I SHOULD loose my mind!!
Aren't I a good person? I'm nice to him, supportive and then I get nothing in return and hell to pay if I should even bring up anything "bad" about what he's doing?
This may never end, he's that selfish and might never have to look at HIMSELF. I do every day and why doesn't HE look like he's suffering, feeling any kind of pain at all? He's not that's why. And then I get the brunt of all his ugliness.
big time, will go to bed and wait to hear from H in the morning.
(I am insane aren't I?) 
