For my H it took at least 6 months once he called it quits with OW for him to stop the waffling and "missing" their relationship. He was also angry he had to make the choice he did and had no problem making sure I knew this. I know everyones sit is unique but your H seems to be following the pattern of reconnection and letting go of OW just like the books say. He will have his own time line however. Plus the added fact of seeing or being near her everyday is only going to lengthen the time unless or until he cuts off all contact. The longer he continues to let her be part of his life the harder and longer all of this will be. Unforturnately, he does not understand this. You have done all you can do and have done it very well i might add. Patience and understanding is what he needs. You will know when you have had enough. You are right to not give him any ultimatums at least not until you are completely ready to accept the consequences. OW is probably giving them, let her be the one to force the issue. If worse case senario were to happen, she will have forced it upon him and how happy will he really be? NOT!!!!!! Issuing ultimatums is in my opinion like making the decison for him. Dont do it until you are absolutely done with the situation. Regarding the ring, I have been hiking and running at night and my hands swell terribly and it takes a long time for my rings to be comfortable again. I think he is telling you the truth at least from my experience. Dont buy trouble that isnt there. When he becomes withdrawn ask him if he is ok, tell him you care and it he wants space let him know you understand and are there when he needs you. My H also balked alot with the affection and intimacy thing. Let him lead. Stop asking.If he notices that you have backed off, just tell you you noticed he needed some space and you were just letting him have it but you are right here if he needs you. He needs to feel safe and loved and absolutely no pressure from you, just kindness. Let her apply the pressure. You will be the place he runs when he is overwhelmed, that is how you have reversed roles with her. He has not responded well to pressure so far and seems to comment alot on your kindness towards him. That is working. Is there one night a week you two can set aside for a "date" night? Dinner a movie or just a walk? Try that it helps and gives you something to look forward to when "real life" gets in the way.
we must have been posting at the same time. You are going to make yourself sick worrying about every thing he is doing. You have two choices, ask him about the descrepancies or let them go. Do not wallow in them. It will destroy all the hard work you have done. I asked and in the beginning it was rough but H understood my need to do this was a direct result of being lied to for so long and the asking has tapered down to zero now, it wont last forever. If you choose to let it go, then let it go. Write it in a journal, keep it hear, but let it go, once it has been written down. Just ask yourself, if he is lying to you again what can you really do about it? Nothing. you cannot force him to be honest. All you can do it what is best for Deb.
Thanks Debra and DFB....you are both such lifelines for me, and wise, wise women....I know you're right about making myself sick obsessing over every little thing. I must keep working on putting it out of my mind. some days I'm a lot better at it than others..... Debra, your observation/ that if the worse case scenario happened, it would be because she pushes him into it, and he would not be happy is incredibly helpful, maybe empowering is the word....frankly I had never thought of this but....from what H said a month ago, I know OW was really putting on the pressure then...he said how she would say she loved him but there were always conditions attached, that she had become very demanding, that she got angry so easily, was always mad and throwing a fit and he was never sure what set her off....I can't imagine she's lessened it. I've know H for 26 years, been married to him for 25, and I can say for certain the one thing I have NEVER known to work on him is pressure/coercion....ABSOLUTELY NEVER......the guy has a real issue with authority/control, and I swear he turns into the rebellious teenager he never was....he absolutely hates feeling that someone is trying to control him or tell him what to do.....OK, looking at it from this standpoint has a good lesson in it for me....I can see that I'm doing what I need to be doing by staying backed off.....the further backed off from "them" the better, and making sure there is lots of "steak on the grill" at home so speak.... wow, thanks! I feel a little better ....I needed that!
I just had the thought that I wish there was some way to get her to turn up the heat! maybe I should send her an email from a fake account or an annonymous letter and say something like "why are you letting this guy treat you like that after all you've done for him?" or a number of them.....
I'm not a big believer in Horoscopes, but sometimes I can't resist checking them out, so I did. today H's Cainer Cast says: "Right now, I would love to be able to tell you that a current drama is about to sort itself out simply, easily and speedily. You deserve this, but you are still unlikely to get it! Instead, you can expect something rather silly to create more confusion before your clear, happy outcome finally arrives. "
Mine says: "Imagine deciding that you can't possibly draw in a nice big lungful of clean fresh air, because someone else has your share. There's only a small amount of oxygen left for you, so you have to breathe sparingly. If a friend of ours were to reach such a conclusion, we would soon say, 'Don't be so silly.' Yet we allow ourselves to be just as ludicrously pessimistic about other freely available resources. We think, for example, that the world does not contain enough love, or luck for everyone. Yet it does. Indeed, at the risk of sounding controversial, I would even argue that it contains enough money, too. Open your mind now, to the idea that something you want is available."
and OW's: "If you turn up an amplifier really loud and then plug in an electric guitar, you will instantly produce a powerful noise, not un-reminiscent of Jimi Hendrix at his most pugnacious. There are, indeed, some so-called musicians who do precious little more than this. Their gadgets create such a battery of dramatic sound, that they can keep their audience happy without playing a note. You now are rather like a band member connected to a giant speaker. You'll make an impression of some kind no matter what you do today. But if you actually do something you are good at, in the right way, for the right reason... you'll get a brilliant result." Guess hers could be taken several ways, my take is she's making a lot of noise right now and it's not necessarily generating good attention.
Anyway, boy, don't I wish there'd be some accuracy to these!!!
I came across this on the Rejoiceministries website: "Remember, the enemy will turn the big guns on you when your miracle is about to happen. Expect the Lord to help you in this day of discouragement."
It's sure felt like the big guns were aimed this way lately with all the weird stuff that's happened at weird times. And the miracle seemed to have happened and then the artillery barrage began.....interesting.....
I think that it might help you a lot if you are able to separate what are OW issues and what is MLC issues. I know that they are both connected. But what I am talking about is the moment to moment stuff. For example, I think that the "real world" comment is an MLC thing and not an OW issue. I can only imagine that it would make it easier on you to know that this comment has nothing to do with him wanting to re-connect with her. I can also see that the co-worker leaving and his reaction to it as an MLC trigger. He is looking with envy (possibly) at someone else moving on with his life and also seeing a huge load of work coming his way. Responsibilty is something that an MLCer avoids at all costs. Sounds like your H is struggling with that.
Sometimes it helps me, when my H makes these comments, to picture a teenager talking. I can then almost feel his frustration with life and at the same time know that it is fleeting. Soon he will be "on to" something else. BIG SIGH.
Debra is right in saying that he should look to you as his port in the storm. Instead of what he did in the past, which, you know was to dump his past and try to live a false life. What would make you seek someone out as a port in the storm?
My H also makes those mewling sounds at night sometimes. I still do not know if he does it consciously or not. It is confusing and painful to hear. I just hate to see him so vulnerable. I have patted him on the back and told him that he's okay when this happens. This usually works for him....but then leaves me feeling like I am his mother!! Ugh!
Hi Dawn, thanks! more good stuff I hadnt thought of....separating the MLC from OW stuff...yes, I think that would help and they are both affecting him mightily right now I believe. H is so much like a teen ager in so many ways.....maybe I need to think of him that way some!
Quote: What would make you seek someone out as a port in the storm?
This is powerful and helpful....... I would look for someone who is: cheerful, warm, fun, "safe", in that I could trust they would let me blow off steam and just "be there", someone who wouldnt be throwing all my transgressions at me, and frankly soemone I could depend on for physical affection and to "take up the slack" when I needed some down time......hmmmmmmmm....the more I think about this the more interesting it is....it also helps me see what I need to do, and it's encouraging because frankly I think I'm doing it for the most part, and doing it pretty well (99.9% of my whining happens here, and not with H)......and I think this is a big change in me in the last 6 or 8 months. In years past, I have to admit I wasnt all that great at being a port in the storm. Hmmmmmmmm......and he used to see OW that way, I'm sure.....so this role reversal is a big thing, and interesting from many angles, isn't it? Thank you for the huge insights.
The funny mewling sounds at night are something.....I don't know if he is awake or not, but I get the impression that they are a reflection of some sort of emotional pain; I know that at least once they were actually sobs. I've never heard this before the last 3 or 4 months in all the years we've been together. I generally pat his hand or shoulder or give him a squeeze or hug, and he seems to calm down....I never know whether he wakes up or not....doesnt respond, just seems to become calmer.....weird. sigh, yep, the things we do for love..........
I'm still thinking about the "what kind of person would you turn to for a port in a storm" question, and the thought occured to me that I would sure be drawn to someone who was willing to do "little things" for me, even when I myself felt like I was pretty nutty, and I would be drawn to someone who gave me hugs and kisses and smooches, or at least offered them, even when I was kind of cool about them, and I would be drawn to someone who kept telling me they found me attractive, sexy, etc., even when I didn't feel that way or told them I didn't believe them. I might also have a hard time feeling they were sincere about it if they hadn't made a point of doing that before. It would take a while for me to see it as sincere. I think I eventually would if they never quit though, and eventually I would really appreciate it. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Your list matches mine pretty well! It is great that you are so in touch with your feelings Deb and that it takes (seemingly) little effort to answer what could have been a complicated question.
I really wish our Hs could answer such a question ...but I think that your H would balk and mine...well he just wouldn't answer....or would "get back to me on it". HA
Okay, so what would make our Hs turn to someone as a port in the storm? IMHO, I think it's a lot harder for men to even admit that they need a port to begin with! So I try really hard not to be an "obvious" port, as to not hurt his pride. (Thinking that this port analogy is just about used up. )
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