Well Deb, it seems obvious that she is making your H soooo uncomfortable that all he wants to do is run. Too bad he cant just tell her NOOOO in certainty and let her deal with it. Just a thought.... have either or or your H thought of going to your human resource dept and seeing if there is anything they can do to aleviate the situation or is he too private? My H's HR dept. had to get involved and they handled it very well. Maybe they could help facilitate the transfer to the other office you mentioned in your earlier post. Would that help? IF not, then I think it is good that you are open to a move. I liked the post from Shay's thread. That is what basically happened in my sitch, only H needed to stay with OW just a little longer to get the full picture, but the pull of our sons was just too much. In the long run, it took us longer for him to get over the fantasy because he had only had glimpses of what life would have been like with her but he did finally get it. I am so grateful he was able to over look his own pride and come back to me and trust that I wouldnt hang it over his head the rest of our lives instead of staying with her and only hurting one of us. I dont know if I have told you but my FIL did just that. He left my MIL the week after H and I got married for a co-worker OW (also postal workers, that place is a breeding ground for infidelity) came back awhile later and wanted to come home, she said no not now and he went back to OW and "Settled" for her as he did not want to hurt her as well and be a jerk twice. That was 27 years ago and he and MIL are still married but he has lived with OW since then. MIL wants him to file and he wont. She wants him to take responsibility and he wont. It is a mess. He still calls her and cries. He lost his kids over all of this as well. My H hasnt talked to him for over 10 years for lots of reasons.
Hi Rottz, I was just thinking of you this morning and wondering how you are....hope you were away for good stuff.... yeah, for the most part things are going pretty well in my sitch....as long as I resist the urge to have a conniption and shake H's silly self to try to knock some sense in to him. I'm guessing from the emails I got today that OW is piling it on thick and deep right now....so, here's to her! Go girl Go!
Hi Debra, Wow, I didnt know that about your FIL, that is really something. Sad is so many ways, isnt it? I don't think my H fully comprehends how completely he will lose his family if he goes w/OW. I don't know, he is so screwed up right now. I believe more and more as I mull over the things he told me a month ago now that what keeps him from letting go as much as anything is guilt, although she also has some kind of weird fascination for him.... I sure don't want to move, but I would do it if that's what it takes; I know one writer actually suggests that as a way to get past an affair....I think hendrix is his name. I just can't comprehend the enormity of such a move very easily, but people do it all the time. H would die before he would talk to the HR dept. about it; however, I know that they know, as does all the administrative team, because the director is my supervisor and I confided in her when I first found out about the A....I called our EAP and they suggested I should....I've never told H I "spilled the beans", but I have told him I'm sure more people at work know than what he thinks. Anyway, "they", being human resources and Exec. Dir. did move H's office last spring from the end of a very isolated hall way, where I know OW used to sneak in and spend all kinds of time with him, to a very visible and public area just outside of the reception desk......there is no way OW can get in there now without being seen and heard. H has made comments about people getting in trouble for not being at their desks, and the receptionists "ratting" on people to get them on trouble....so I believe OW must have gotten in hot water for "stuff"....H wouldnt know this otherwise...company policy has been everyone has to be here on Tuesdays for staffings and the director doesnt want to pay mileage for 1/2 day over there, but staffings are going to be discontinued I understand, and if it was a bargaining chip over losing H, I wonder if they might go with it. Plus he has his new supervisor coming on, who may be able to help swing it....even not being in this office would be a help......sigh....I wish....maybe it will work out.
The situation with my in laws is sad. My MIL can laugh now as she kind of has the last laugh as she is still legally his wife and if he died before doing anything to rectify that california community property law would give her a share of OW's house and bank accts as she was stupid enough to put FIL on as joint owners. How sad is OW that she has stuck this out without any formal commitment. My MIL even jokes she would not let her attend funeral. It has become such a joke. You know regarding the work sit only two things can happen. He leaves and works elsewhere or he lays down the law with her. She cant force him to deal with her if he chooses not to. Either way there is nothing you can do but what you already are. Make home a happy happy non stress enviornment. You have reversed roles with her. She is now the one pressuring him and you are just happy Deb offering him peace and happiness. The guilt issue is tricky. He needs to understand that she got herself into this situation knowing what the possible outcome could be, he wasnt lying to her. She needs to accept the consequences, be an adult and walk away. He needs to understand that yes, he made bad choices but so did she and he does not need to spend the rest of his life feeling guilty for what he percieves he did to her or feel he has to make it better for her. She did this to herself. If she wanted a future she should have chose someone who was available, not someone who had a family. Sorry, I have no sympathy, Tough luck for her. Maybe, next time he seems down, suggest him going to talk to someone at your church. Maybe they can help him see that in order to move forward he needs to forgive himself and make his life with you and your family his priority. He owes no one else. I am leaving on Saturday morning for 12 days at Cape Hatteras, in North Carolina. We rented a beach house with my best friend and her H who got married last year. Being a California girl, the east coast fasinates me. I cant wait. My friend moved from Calif to Wash D. C. last year so havent seen her since the wedding. I need a break.
Wow, deb, simply love your new attitude. I will follow in your footsteps. I love your way of looking at OW stuff, let her pile up the pressure..while I have a good time here and enjoy my freedom being away from H. I may just do something drastic, maybe put on new coloured contact lense and funky sunglasses..that will be 180 for me...
Debra, can you show me to your previous threads? Love to read your rollercoaster ride.
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for is the one thing you can't see..
Hi Debra...it's always so good to hear from you....I appreciate your input. It hadnt occurred to me that I've actually reversed roles w/OW....that's interesting to me. I guess if it worked for her once, maybe it can work for me soon. I totally agree about her being fully aware of what she was getting into. She KNEW H was married with children......H has said how she hates men because she's had such awful experiences with them, but that she brings it on herself because she is always so angry and upset....H said she gets mad when "you say one word wrong and you don't know what you've said"....of course then she tweaks her finger and wiggles her butt and he's back to calling her at the least....I asked him why the night I found the pictures from last fall, and he said "I don't know, I guess I love her, I've never met anyone like her before"....It is just all so weird.
Yes, he has to realize where his committments need to lie, and to see her manipulations, but I don't know what will ever get him to that point. Sometimes I think he's getting there--or gotten there---and then something happens that makes it seem like we are back to square one.
I keep thinking "what could I do better/differently" and I really can't come up with much. I believe my options are to keep on trying to focus on making things better/great at home or to give up and pitch his hiney out or give him an ultimatum. I hate to go to the last one right now because she's evidently done that.
I'm blithering here, had kind of a rough evening and morning, I'll post about that later.
I'm so glad you have your trip coming up....It sounds wonderful, like it will be just what the Dr. ordered. Heaven knows you deserve it!!!!!!Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy! oh, did I say "have fun"?
Hi Bold....I think you've got a good out look, and are one brave cookie! Do the lenses and sunglasses!!!!! It's fun just to do something different for yourself....and by golly, we've all paid more than enougth dues to have earned it!
I'm kind of struggling with PMA today.....H seems so distant again, seems to have pulled way back. I can't help but think it has to do with getting back here to work w/OW around. I'm really struggling to keep my hands off the rope and my foot off of his rear end. Things were going so well, in spite of the "same cabin" crap, while we were off work. Even H said it was almost like a 2nd honeymoon......I don't know, maybe the closeness scared him off.... I'm really tired today, maybe that is part of it also.... H is also upset because he found out that his coworker (male) in out-of-town office, whom he really likes, is probably going to take another job, and this really upset H....the thought of losing this close co-worker is really disheartening to him. Plus the paper work load increased dramatically while we were gone, which was overwehlming to H before, plus I'm sure OW crap has kicked back in....
anyway, when H got home after his 12 hour day last night, I told him "hi" and that I had smooches and hugs for him.....H said he didnt even know if he wanted them after the day at work....went for a 2hr walk, which often cheers him up but didnt, we talked about the possiblities of moving out of state and H said how scary that would be, but I guess even talking was a positive....When we went to bed, I asked H if he would like me to snuggle him, and he said "sure", I suggested other things and he just flat out said "no" ; this morning we were rushed and H was distant, did bring me coffee, I said how much I'm missing getting to spend time with him, and he said "we're back in the real world, this is how it is".....did give me a few quick hugs, but I sense that he's more distant emotionally.
This is really hard for me to deal with. I read a post on someones thread in which a person who's been on the boards for several years siad they've seen this a lot in sitch's that work out.....but I sure feel at the bottom of the dip on the roller coaster right now. Can anyone elaborate on your experience and/or observations regarding this? Is it really typical, this swinging between hot/cold, close/distant, OW/W........how long does it tend to go on? what are signs that it might be going to end (if there are any).....I don't know, I'm just really struggling right now. I recognize at least that his moods having such an effect on me means that I have a lot more work to do........
I guess I need to try to think of some positives and post/journal them.
One is ....and I know everybody's sick of hearing about the damn thing, but I gotta whistle in the dark right now, H did put his ring on after he walked last night (says it gets tight enough to be uncomfortable when he walks for a long time).......of course he could be meeting her on these long walks, so that's why he's taking it off......there goes the crazymaker grabbing the rope again.....
I just remembered, H was making the little crying/whimpering sounds in the night again either Sunday night or Monday night....that's the 2nd or 3rd time I've heard him do that. last time was before the big "recommittment" episode......... don't know what that means or if it means anything at all, other than he's sad about something. He did say around that same time that he was angry about the choices he has to make now.....so maybe that would explain part of his pulling back.
yuck, it's hard to stay in control today....H told me last week the workshop he mentioned about 6 weeks ago was today.....that was weird, because originally he's said it was the 16th....I didn't say anything and he's let it drop, hasnt said anything about it being next week either, we shall see....I don't know if he had the dates mixed up and didn't/doesnt realize it, or if it was a planned tryst w/OW that fell through somehow......sigh.....crazymaking, I know, gotta drop the rope....I'm the prize/goddess after all!
; this morning we were rushed and H was distant, did bring me coffee, I said how much I'm missing getting to spend time with him, and he said "we're back in the real world, this is how it is".....did give me a few quick hugs, but I sense that he's more distant emotionally.