Hi all, back at work today after not being here for 2 1/2 weeks, kind of tough to get back into the swing of things....I've felt kind of anxious of and on the last week about H and OW....trying hard to ignore it and just keep on "acting as if" and "getting a life".....I still believe deep down in my heart that someday this will all be behind us, and that H and I will come out better than ever. I just still find it hard to be patient and keep on doing what I'm doing, and to keep my hands off the rope! Today is Tuesday, and H is at work over in the same building w/OW....He has a new supervisor today, some one who worked here many years ago, and is hoping that maybe he can get his assignment changed to be in our out of town office every day instead of this office. I believe this is to help him get distance from OW...and I think it would help greatly, either that or a different job. I always have a little of a hard time though knowing they're over in the same building. H did hug and kiss me several times this am, I know he hated to come back to work, and is really discouraged w/this job....I told him I would be thinking of him, and he said "I'll be thinking of you too", which was nice.... Yesterday he took off his wedding ring to exercise and mow the lawn, he left it off, laying on the dresser, which always puts a lump in my throat....I've vowed to never say a word about it, so didn't, and when we went to bed I noticed that it was still off....bit my tongue and didn't say anything...this morning I talked to him as he shaved, and noticed it was on....this was at 6 am, so he either put it on as soon as he got up or in the night....I think I did see him walk over to the dresser in the night, so it's possible he got up and went over and put it on then. I still get so frustrated with our sitch and his waffling, but I have to remind myself, he didn't wear his ring for almost a year, and one of my original, seemingly impossible, long-term goals was to have him put it back on. so really, this is a HUGE thing, and something to celebrate!!!!!! on the 4th, we went to SIL's and all of H's sibs & their families were there, many of his cousins, and new SIL came with us...probably close to 50 people, shooting fireworks and having fun....H commented what a great time he had, and I believe this is a sign of "reconnection"....not long ago he wanted nothing to do with anyone....around the first of the year. I have had some anxiety about the funeral he was supposed to go to with his dad, MIL commented on H's aunt from out of state going to the funeral w/FIL, which seems odd because H didn't say anything about her being back for it. So of course my crazymaker of a mind wonders if he said he was going, and instead went to see Ow....got all dressed up in his suit and everything....I could have asked FIL or MIL, I could ask H, but I am working very hard to keep my hands off the rope, so havent said a word. I've been asking myself that famous DB question "would it get me closer to my goal or further away", and I can't see that it would help, and it might hurt, so I keep resisting the urge to ask and trying to focus my efforts on making things so good at home and between us that H would never want to be anywhere else. I've also been trying to ingrain dfb's comment that I'm the prize for him to pursue and that it's time to start acting that way. I also keep remembering a quote from Paul Newman about Joanne Woodward "why would you go out for hamburger when you have steak at home" or something like that, and reminding myself to keep the steaks on the grill at home.
I did take advantage of the opportunity to add mystery/go dark while H was at the funeral, I went shopping and didnt get home until about 2 hours after I expected him, did call and leave an answering machine message about an hour into the time to tell him I was going to look for a movie for us to watch and would be a while longer....took several hours to shop for fireworks the day before the 4th also....H did make the comment that he "finally got your phone message" the first time, so obviously he noticed.....
Yesterday morning H walked for a long time, 2 hrs, and I always get anxious then, because last summer his 3 hour "walks" were trysts w/OW....but he came home kind of sweaty and hot, so I think that's what he was doing. Before he left, I hugged him and told him I was "feeling really insecure right now", and he put both arms around me, held me tightly and said "don't, you don't have any reason to". I take about 1/2 of that to heart, but it does help to hear it.
this week i've been working on the bedroom redecoration project, finally seeing some progess. I put in a "cheval" mirror, and made a comment to H about it while he was watching tv one evening, referring to it as the "naughty mirror", and H smirked and chuckled....I asked what was so funny, and he said "to hear those words come out of your mouth after all these years".....
H also told me over the weekend that when I'm sexually aroused, my neck and upper chest turn bright red....I never ever knew this....H said they talked about it in Human Sexuality (told him I should have taken that class when I had the chance) and that some people have that happen but not all. We've had lots of private jokes this past week about the new meaning of "redneck"...I told him now I knew how he knew when to run, and he agreed (laughingly) and said "it didn't used to happen often enough to be a problem".....interesting, but I think maybe a positive to have a private sexual joke/innuendo between us??????
I suggested last night we should go back to our vacation spot (different cabin!!!!!!!) over labor day, H said he thought that would be too busy a time but maybe a couple weeks after that! this morning we discussed it again very briefly, taking S out of school for a few days and just going.....I see this as a positive indicator of things between us, and I feel like H really needs somethings to look forward to right now.....
H and I went to church together this weekend, and I believe that is a positive, that he is starting to go back to church. that has always been an important part of his life, so I knew it was a huge thing when he gave up going to be w/OW....
Friday am, I was anxious also because H said he was going to get gasoline and a hair cut and was gone almost 3 hours. I have such a hard time when he's gone longer than expected because of his OW trysts in the past....he came home with a video that he'd bought for us to watch, said he's washed his vehicle and gone shopping for it since he hadnt been in the store for a while. I was almost in tears when he came in, and I told him i'm always afraid he's "with someone"...bad dbing, I know. H said "but I wasn't", and I told him "it's ok", hugged him and reheated lunch. I guess in a sense this is progress because I didn't jump him/accuse him, and just let it go....
The movie he got was Bruce Almighty, which I was surprised I liked....I actually cried at Jennifer Anniston's prayers because they are the exact ones I pray for H.....I got a lot of messages from that silly movie.....God said "be the miracle" in it, and that keeps playing in my mind. SIL had told us it was good, I cant help but wonder if H had seen it and brought it home on purpose for some reason (probably would have watched it w/OW if he did)....
anyway, this is a long, long post, so way past time to stop, but I needed to do some journaling. I have to keep reminding myself that the positives are still there....and I still believe that all the outpouring from H several weeks ago was "real" from his soul, and that it's still there. His actions would say it is, for the most part.
I am a redneck too, and yummy food make my neck red as well as when I am very upset!
I wish that you could quit it already about the ring. After all he didn't wear it for a year and now it seems like the only time he takes it off is to exercise or do physical labor. It's just a ring, not a daily indicator of his relational temp with you. Drop the rope, girlfriend.
Second, how bout a new vacation trysting spot. I would like to see you go somewhere new so there aren't all the issues with that cabin and OW history.
that's my 2 cents, if it's too hard for you to drop the rope on that ring thing that's ok. I gues we all have our "triggers."
What? me with my obsessive tendancies? pry my sticky fingers off the rope? surely you can't mean that! LOL!!!! of course you are exactly right....I have such a hard time letting go an keeping my hands off, though....I think the ring thing is kind of a "whistling in the dark" way to reassure myself......I keep telling myself it's one of those "big" actions that speaks louder than words, but you are right that I need to accept it and move on. keeping my mouth shut about it is some progress, though I think. I get to a point where I'm pretty backed off and detached, and then H does something that causes me to let myself get drawn back in, then I get my expectations up, then I get anxious.....which I tend to be anyway (bet you hadnt guessed that, haha!)then I slip up and do something not so great in db terms....I guess recognizing the cycle is a step in the right direction!
Over lunch I was really anxious about the funeral deal....I just have to let it go.
you're also right about the vacation spot....I refuse to stay in that cabin again, although I hate to give the place up entirely, we've had a membership there for 15 years, taken our children & their cousins there for all those years, and it's really been a refuge for us.....we have many good memories as a family and a couple there, and I guess in a way I feel like giving all that up is letting her win......but there are lots of other cabins, some literally miles away from the one we stayed in. Of course the hiking trails are always the same.....
Hi Deb. Good to see you back. Regarding the ring. Maybe it is as simple as this. He had not worn the ring for over a year. He got into the habit of not wearing it. He takes it off and then maybe has to "see" it to remind him to put it back on. He needs to get into the new habit of always wearing it again. He will. The cabin issue. I too avoided all the "places" they had been that had once been ours. In time it wont hurt so bad. You will make more memories to overide the bad ones with her involved and soon you wont even think about her being there at all. It will your place again. This just takes time and avoiding these places will only add to your H's guilt. the funeral deal is hard. Until you are 100% sure he is done with her (sure sounds like he is on his way and if he can get the job situation changed that will be a huge step) you will question things like this and the long runs and calling cards. You can either let them all go and wait it out or just be honest with him and ask direct questions that can be answered and allow you to move forward. Talk to him about this. Ask him if I have questions about a behavior you have or something that seems slighty off, should I just come out and ask you or do you have another suggestion as to how I can handle my doubts so that I do not come across as your "mother" or keeper". See what he thinks. My H wanted the questions asked and answered so that I did not continue to dwell and let things bother me for longer than they needed to. You sound good. You are doing fine. Keep up the hard work and have faith in your belief that the two of you belong together.
Hi Debra, thanks for your input. You are so wise, and I really admire your strength and appreciate you being so willing to share your experience. I hadn't thought of giving up our vacation spot adding to his guilt or of asking him what to do when I have doubts.
I'm convinced you're right though, about building new memories that will replace her...even in the time we were there, after the rough episode, we got past it and had a good time. We were just talking last week that we figure we've probably spent a good 8 months of our lives there, so the place already has a lot of history besides her.
I've been trying to just let all the stuff go that makes me so anxious, never even thought of asking him....duh....I'm thinking I'll look for an opportunity to do that (timing is everything!) It helps to know that other people react to these seemingly inconsequential things.
I keep thinking today about how great last week was at home without S....it was so nice, we goofed off, did some odd jobs, talked and laughed, took naps, ml, just had a great time. H has said also "it was a really good vacation" and that he enjoyed our time together. I truely believe this is a big part of where we "went wrong", not makeing time alone together enough of a priority. I sure won't make that mistake again when/if we get through this. I just cant believe that we won't get through this. maybe it's just denial or wishful thinking, but I really feel deep down that we will.
It still means a lot to me that he started wearing his ring again. It has to mean theres some reconnection going on! I guess that's why I have such a hard time not focusing on it. But, hey, I'm doing ok, I never say a word to him, just fret here on the bb sometimes.
Thanks for taking my suggestions with a grain of salt. I didn't realize that your cabin was a membership type of thing, my idea was not to never go there again but rather that it might be nice and a welcome change to find a new spot for Labor Day. Vareity is the Spice Of Life.
Don't know what there is in the great state of KS or nearby but around here there is a cabin place for couples only that offers meals delivered to your cabin, hot tubs in room, etc. Maybe it might be time for a change to "spice things up" a bit.
I know H is an outdoor type, likes to hike, etc. What about you, what would you like to do or want to go? A plane ticket on southwest from KS City is relatively cheap if you plan ahead and there are lots of fun destinations. Is there $ in the budget for something more exotic? What about Vegas? Phoenix/Sedona is fun too and outdoorsy. I haven't been to San Antonio but have heard good things. Our cousins from KS thought that Durango was great.
Just thinking out loud, I love to travel and have adventures. I don't see it as letting OW win, but as a chance to make a new memory in a new place. Make the world your oyster and you might just find a pearl.
Has any one read the following books, and if so have any thoughts pro or con about any of them? I've been thinking I'm going to have our local 2-bit bookstore order them (they have none of them!) Truth about Love Silent Son Not Just Friends Hot Monogamy Passionate Marriage
I'd be really interested in any thoughts or other suggestions......
Hi Pamila! I appreciate your suggestions, and didnt take any thing "weirdly"...not the right word, but not sure what else would fit.... We could go someplace else, and I would love to ....soemthing like the cabin set up you talked about in your area sounds wonderful, if we can leave S at grandparents! H is really "stuck" on this place, so I havent pushed him a lot about others, but it might be a possiblity. Durango is a really neat place, we were there several years ago, so that might be a possibility. I've heard San Antonio is great but never been there, H might consider that.... Frankly I'd be about happy to go anywhere, I feel like part of the problem is that he feels like he's "just waiting to die" and getting him to take a couple of short vacations anywhere during the year to do something he enjoys would be a big positive. If I can manage to get him convinced to do something in the fall, I'm going to try for a ski trip later....we havent done that since way before S was born. I've been thinking that even doing a couple of nights of backcountry camping would be fun in the fall....we'd have to pack in & out though, so I have to really get with the exercise program (have to any way to ski)....I just feel like it's important to help get something into his life he enjoys for him to look forward to (and that includes yours truely, of course!) Hmmmmmmm.....Keeping the steaks on the grill, I guess!
Vegas would be interesting, don't know if I could talk him into it, but would be worth a shot. My folks go there about once a year and like it, enjoy the desert scenery, etc.....
Nothing really to add here, just thought I would stop by and say "hi". Sounds like things are going very well for you. I could not be happier.
I have to admit that I did laugh right out loud when I read Pamela's response to you about the ring! (Guilty of thinking the same thing...hahaha) But really I understand that the ring has been a symbol since the day that you put it on his finger. And I understand that it was one of the milestones that you were hoping for in the repair of your relationship. I think that it's a good thing that you worry about it here and not to your H. Just remember to keep the crazymaker in her place!
and yummy food make my neck red as well as when I am very upset!