Hi all, back at work today after not being here for 2 1/2 weeks, kind of tough to get back into the swing of things....I've felt kind of anxious of and on the last week about H and OW....trying hard to ignore it and just keep on "acting as if" and "getting a life".....I still believe deep down in my heart that someday this will all be behind us, and that H and I will come out better than ever. I just still find it hard to be patient and keep on doing what I'm doing, and to keep my hands off the rope! Today is Tuesday, and H is at work over in the same building w/OW....He has a new supervisor today, some one who worked here many years ago, and is hoping that maybe he can get his assignment changed to be in our out of town office every day instead of this office. I believe this is to help him get distance from OW...and I think it would help greatly, either that or a different job. I always have a little of a hard time though knowing they're over in the same building. H did hug and kiss me several times this am, I know he hated to come back to work, and is really discouraged w/this job....I told him I would be thinking of him, and he said "I'll be thinking of you too", which was nice.... Yesterday he took off his wedding ring to exercise and mow the lawn, he left it off, laying on the dresser, which always puts a lump in my throat....I've vowed to never say a word about it, so didn't, and when we went to bed I noticed that it was still off....bit my tongue and didn't say anything...this morning I talked to him as he shaved, and noticed it was on....this was at 6 am, so he either put it on as soon as he got up or in the night....I think I did see him walk over to the dresser in the night, so it's possible he got up and went over and put it on then. I still get so frustrated with our sitch and his waffling, but I have to remind myself, he didn't wear his ring for almost a year, and one of my original, seemingly impossible, long-term goals was to have him put it back on. so really, this is a HUGE thing, and something to celebrate!!!!!! on the 4th, we went to SIL's and all of H's sibs & their families were there, many of his cousins, and new SIL came with us...probably close to 50 people, shooting fireworks and having fun....H commented what a great time he had, and I believe this is a sign of "reconnection"....not long ago he wanted nothing to do with anyone....around the first of the year. I have had some anxiety about the funeral he was supposed to go to with his dad, MIL commented on H's aunt from out of state going to the funeral w/FIL, which seems odd because H didn't say anything about her being back for it. So of course my crazymaker of a mind wonders if he said he was going, and instead went to see Ow....got all dressed up in his suit and everything....I could have asked FIL or MIL, I could ask H, but I am working very hard to keep my hands off the rope, so havent said a word. I've been asking myself that famous DB question "would it get me closer to my goal or further away", and I can't see that it would help, and it might hurt, so I keep resisting the urge to ask and trying to focus my efforts on making things so good at home and between us that H would never want to be anywhere else. I've also been trying to ingrain dfb's comment that I'm the prize for him to pursue and that it's time to start acting that way. I also keep remembering a quote from Paul Newman about Joanne Woodward "why would you go out for hamburger when you have steak at home" or something like that, and reminding myself to keep the steaks on the grill at home.
I did take advantage of the opportunity to add mystery/go dark while H was at the funeral, I went shopping and didnt get home until about 2 hours after I expected him, did call and leave an answering machine message about an hour into the time to tell him I was going to look for a movie for us to watch and would be a while longer....took several hours to shop for fireworks the day before the 4th also....H did make the comment that he "finally got your phone message" the first time, so obviously he noticed.....
Yesterday morning H walked for a long time, 2 hrs, and I always get anxious then, because last summer his 3 hour "walks" were trysts w/OW....but he came home kind of sweaty and hot, so I think that's what he was doing. Before he left, I hugged him and told him I was "feeling really insecure right now", and he put both arms around me, held me tightly and said "don't, you don't have any reason to". I take about 1/2 of that to heart, but it does help to hear it.
this week i've been working on the bedroom redecoration project, finally seeing some progess. I put in a "cheval" mirror, and made a comment to H about it while he was watching tv one evening, referring to it as the "naughty mirror", and H smirked and chuckled....I asked what was so funny, and he said "to hear those words come out of your mouth after all these years".....
H also told me over the weekend that when I'm sexually aroused, my neck and upper chest turn bright red....I never ever knew this....H said they talked about it in Human Sexuality (told him I should have taken that class when I had the chance) and that some people have that happen but not all. We've had lots of private jokes this past week about the new meaning of "redneck"...I told him now I knew how he knew when to run, and he agreed (laughingly) and said "it didn't used to happen often enough to be a problem".....interesting, but I think maybe a positive to have a private sexual joke/innuendo between us??????
I suggested last night we should go back to our vacation spot (different cabin!!!!!!!) over labor day, H said he thought that would be too busy a time but maybe a couple weeks after that! this morning we discussed it again very briefly, taking S out of school for a few days and just going.....I see this as a positive indicator of things between us, and I feel like H really needs somethings to look forward to right now.....
H and I went to church together this weekend, and I believe that is a positive, that he is starting to go back to church. that has always been an important part of his life, so I knew it was a huge thing when he gave up going to be w/OW....
Friday am, I was anxious also because H said he was going to get gasoline and a hair cut and was gone almost 3 hours. I have such a hard time when he's gone longer than expected because of his OW trysts in the past....he came home with a video that he'd bought for us to watch, said he's washed his vehicle and gone shopping for it since he hadnt been in the store for a while. I was almost in tears when he came in, and I told him i'm always afraid he's "with someone"...bad dbing, I know. H said "but I wasn't", and I told him "it's ok", hugged him and reheated lunch. I guess in a sense this is progress because I didn't jump him/accuse him, and just let it go....
The movie he got was Bruce Almighty, which I was surprised I liked....I actually cried at Jennifer Anniston's prayers because they are the exact ones I pray for H.....I got a lot of messages from that silly movie.....God said "be the miracle" in it, and that keeps playing in my mind. SIL had told us it was good, I cant help but wonder if H had seen it and brought it home on purpose for some reason (probably would have watched it w/OW if he did)....
anyway, this is a long, long post, so way past time to stop, but I needed to do some journaling. I have to keep reminding myself that the positives are still there....and I still believe that all the outpouring from H several weeks ago was "real" from his soul, and that it's still there. His actions would say it is, for the most part.
