just musing to myself that the positives are still here, H is so much better to me than he used to be, and OW has told him it's either her or me.....H has told me and S that he will never leave. says he has told OW that.... I know he wasnt making up the stuff he said about how angry she gets and how he can't live with that....we ML 2x yesterday and he's suggesting more today....(take that, OW!)....
so, I'm going to keep trying to keep my hands off the rope, and go get on with my life.
I sure agree with Bold n Beautiful that it would be much easier if we didn't love them.
LOVE that you told H about it! Even though it was innocent flirting on your part, you can still have quite a reaction on a guy! That must have given H something to chew on.
Hi Deb: Update sounds really good. You are doing great. Keep doing what you have been doing, it is working!!!
My H and I have been having some really great conversations lately regarding how he was feeling after he came home. In the last few days he told me he honestly did not feel he had made the right decision in coming home (you know the old I am doing what is making everyone else happy, but what about me) until we hit the two year mark which was just this february. It took that long for him to understand what had happened to us. He said he had to take a good honest look at himself and stop blaming me and my weight and my working hours etc and find out what had made him unhappy originally. He was able to let go of OW once he left the post office he says relatively easily as he has started to see the "flaws" that she had not shown while they were together.While they continued to work together, he said at first he missed her horribly although he was sticking to our agreement of no contact. It caused him phyicial pain. Now he sees that it was not her he missed but the feelings he had when he was with her of being carefree and honest (with her of course he was able to spill all his dirty little secrets about the other OW) being able to pick up and go when they wanted and always being together (same work schedule)
Once he was gone, she was out of sight and out of mind. It still took him 18 months to figure it all out.
It all came down to communication. He just never felt he could talk to me. We married very young and alot was swept under the carpet for fear of hurting each others feelings, etc. He just couldnt take it anymore, nor could he tell me how he felt, it was just easier to leave. It wasnt a choice between her and me, it wasnt about her at all, it was just his only solution at the time to cure his unhappiness. He knows how wrong it all was and how much damage it has all caused and has moved mountains to put our family back together and now knows that only he can make himself happy, it is not an outside force.
This all takes time. There are no quick fixes or miracles so to speak. You are doing everything the right way. No pressure, just patience, kindness and most of all being his friend. Keep up all the hard work, it will pay off. Have faith in yourself.
So good to hear that you turned your vacation around and had some fun! I am so glad to see you list the positives in your situation.
I know the fear you have in setting boundries. They will test you at every turn and you have to be prepared to stand your ground. Just make sure that your bounrdies are fair and realistic and then you can be sure that you have "right" on your side. ("Right" for you, your son, your H, and your marriage.)
Your friends here have missed you, that's for sure. I am glad to hear that the trip was more "up" than "down." I am glad that you didn't let OW spoil it for you too badly with the whole same cabin issue. Way to db.
Things have taken a turn for the way better in my sitch. They started getting better about 3 weeks ago when H went to C w/me and we re-discovered how to talk to each other.
He left for Brazil (OW - land) on June 20th after telling me that he was going to put closure to his sitch w/ OW That same day our boys left for camp and I went to San Diego for 4 days, but I went dark on H and didn't tell him where I would be.
I started to get kind of freaked out with him after 5 days or so of being in Brazil because he was clearly still w/OW. At one pt in time I actually came out and asked him if he was still shacking up w/ her and he said yes. I got ticked off and said "well why don't you call me when you're not any more" then I hung up with him. I decided afterwards that was old-Pam behavior (ie. not dealing with conflict, but avoiding it) so I called him back and told him that it would be nice if his words and actions matched up.
All this past weekend I didn't talk to H and just felt sort of tired and mopey, really drained and worn out.
Lo and behold Monday night H calls in tears He and OW spent the weekend in Rio de Janiero where they had gone at the start of their A back in Feb 2003. Stayed at the same posh hotel ate at the same fancy places. H said he knew before he went that it would be their last time together. Evidently in the plane on the way back from Rio OW wanted to read some e-mail on H's laptop that was an old one from me. H wouldn't let her and they got into a honkin fight. Once they got back to their apt OW took off.
To make a really long story short they are now seemingly not together or at least in a big fight. H said he sees that she is not the real thing, that I am. That she proclaimed to believe God, but shows no evidence of it. That only a woman who truly loved him would have stood by him through all his crap.
I have a new thread in piecing called In the fullness of time... but I haven't successfully masted the linking thing yet. Please come visit me love ya, Pam
Click on the "URL" button in the "Instant UBB Code" list below--it's in the top left corner, next to the smiley face that's blushing.
The first pop-up window will ask for the thread's URL. You will need to have copied this already from the address line that appears when your thread is on your screen. For example, your thread's URL is:
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Once you copy in the URL and hit enter, you'll get a second pop-up window that asks for the text you want to appear--this is where you type in the name of your thread or something that helps people know what the link is, like this:
I'm so happy to read that there have been far more positives than the rest - woman, you rock I foresee that it will be not long before H genuinely appreciates what a lucky man he is.
Wow deb, you continue to give me hope. There were certainly a lot of twists and turns in our sitches, making me really really dizzy. But I think you are doing great, gal. I would kill to have my H ML to me now becoz Im feeling so horny
Keep your Dbing efforts, deb. This is driving us insane but as slowly pointed out to me some time agon, five years down the line none of this craziness matter anymore.
Welcome back. Relieved that you were finally back. Been missing my sister
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for is the one thing you can't see..
Quote: We married very young and alot was swept under the carpet for fear of hurting each others feelings, etc. He just couldnt take it anymore, nor could he tell me how he felt, it was just easier to leave.
Oh..oh...I think I've found another sister This sounds like my M all right. You were in this journey for two years? OMG I am praying hard that one day my H will come to this realisation.
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for is the one thing you can't see..
That must have given H something to chew on. 
He and OW spent the weekend in Rio de Janiero where they had gone at the start of their A back in Feb 2003. Stayed at the same posh hotel ate at the same fancy places. H said he knew before he went that it would be their last time together. Evidently in the plane on the way back from Rio OW wanted to read some e-mail on H's laptop that was an old one from me. H wouldn't let her and they got into a honkin fight. Once they got back to their apt OW took off. 
I am praying hard that one day my H will come to this realisation.