Hi all, just got here to post,it's been a busy week, and I've not had a minute to be on the boards. so, to try to update, (I havent kept my journal well, either)....I'm more "centered" right now....thank the lord....although things are still hard for me, I am really working on not even looking at "the rope"....making plans, setting small goals for things I intend to do... I stayed for vacation, and it actually had many good, even great moments....the more I thought about it the more I decided it would be a cold day in hell before I let the OW win this one....cloud our long awaited family vacation.... I did make the comment (shouldnt have, I know) to S that it was hard for me to think of them being in this same cabin....S said "well mom, she was here for 4 days with him, you are here for 10, and I know it has to be driving her nuts"....bless his heart, that was helpful...so anyway, I didn't get to do my raft trip because of rain, but got the info and I'm going to do one. H & I actually ML much more than we have for sometime...this is probably really tacky, but I'm keeping track because I think this is a significant indicator of how things are progressing with us...although things didn't work at all for him, for the first time since I've known him, the day before we left.... I hiked w/H & S, and frankly I am really proud of myself....one day I hiked for 5.5 miles, and two days later went 7.5....this is in the mountains, some steep climbs, at about 10,000 feet elevation.....H likes 15 mile hikes and is considering some technical climbs, which I am no where ready for, but last fall I couldnt even walk 200 yards in our yard to feed the animals with out having trouble....so for me that feels like a huge personal victory....I overheard H telling S that anyone who can go 7 miles "out here" is "pretty good"....S started to hike w/ H, which means a lot to both of them, bless his determined little heart, he went 11 miles on a really hard climb.
S and I swam some, which was fun. 1 time we went swimming while H was hiking, and we stayed about 45 minutes longer than we'd said we would, I told S his dad was probably still out hiking...guess who came to the pool looking for us? On the Monday we were gone, H told me he was very proud of me for the weight loss efforts...he guesses I've lost 1/3 of myself (havent, but he doesnt need to know that!) I put on a bathing suit I bought years ago but have never worn (tag says 1996) because it was too small, it not only fit but is almost too large. When I walked out in it, S got this shocked look on his face and said "wow, mom, you look so much different it's almost scary....look at her dad, how much smaller she is"....H didn't say anything, but he had to have noticed, from the look of shock on S's face you couldnt miss it.... one evening H and I were sitting on the cabin porch, and a hummingbird flew over and pooped on us....actually hit us both....I laughed so hard I cried, H seemed more disgusted, but the whole thing just struck me as hilariously ironic....I told H I'd have something to tell my grandkids. So, H and I have been home together since Monday, S is at grandparents. It has been wonderful to just have quiet, unpressured time together....just incredible. the only bad thing is that it makes realize how darn much I love the fool. yesterday I told him that the more focused I become on how much I love him, the more insecure I feel....H said "don't" and gave me a really nice tender kiss....there have been many of those....we have ml much more...guess that's not surprising, but H hasnt had any performance problems either....ml monday, and yesterday morning and then last night....morning at my suggestion, he said he could go get hair cut since he had some extra time, and I said "or you could snuggle and love up your wife", to which he replied "yeah, that's a good idea" and did that instead of the hair cut. last night was at his initiation, which surprised me. I'd been gone some in the afternoon, and when we got in bed, H said he'd been "looking at our picture collection" while I was gone....I didn't know what he was talking about and asked, he said "you know, the polaroids"...I asked why, he said "because I was still horny"....and things took off from there. He made the comment that this is the first time we have had much time alone together since our honeymoon....so that means he's thinking about such things....unfortunately, he's absolutely right, and I believe that's a huge part of how we let ourselves get into this mess.
Yesterday afternoon H mowed with a push mower for about 4 hours....took off his wedding ring to mow....then he walked for 2 hours....I got really anxious when he took off his ring....had to fight hard not say anything, but I ignored it, and then when we went to bed I noticed he had put it back on, and he was wearing it this morning...I was having awful thoughts when he walked for 2 hours that he was going tomeet OW, but didnt say anything. When he got home, the new shoes he was wearing were dirty and scuffed like he had walked, and he was sweaty, so again I was really glad I had kept my hands off the rope!
H is gone with FIL to another funeral this am....he took me in his arms before he left and said "I love you"....and made suggestions that since S is gone we should make the most of our time together tonight! Of course I keep praying FIL will keep HIS promise and not say anything to H....I broke down and told MIL about the pictures and cabin and phone calls etc, when she asked how vacation was, soreally got her fired up, unfortunately. I've got to work on "acting as if" with her... I am in the room where the pictures fell out of the book 2 weeks ago, I see the book is gone.....interesting. there is a phone card here, so I'm sure H is calling her again....which adds my angst and confusion, but I'm getting back to ignoring it. I havent decided yet if I am ready to live with my ultimatums, so havent issued any. since I fully intend to stick by them, I won't do that until I am absolutely sure beyond any doubt. Of course, the darn guy keeps pulling his fat out of the fire by being sweet and loving and giving me lots of darn good sex just when I get to that point....
still, when I look at the long view of things, last summer he was never sweet and loving, ever....everything was strained and angry and hopeless....so that's a long,long way we've come. and he is wearing his wedding ring, putting it on by choice, not because of my whining and coercion. I think it was a year ago this month that he took it off...which really broke my heart....
I am struggling with limits/boundaries....I am very adamant that it's counter productive to set limits that one can't enforce....and I can't see how I can enforce limits on his behavior....the phone calls, having his "stuff", etc., until I am ready to throw him out....so I have chosen to try to "act as if", as hard as it is. One absolute boundary that I can enforce is that he is not to have S around OW....that is where I draw the line, and H has respected that....so I guess that's good, the poor kid isn't stuck into keeping H's ugly secrets any more....
I'm going to try to catch up on some sitchs, then go hang new curtains in our bedroom (still working on that goal)....
I can't help but think that increased LM and tenderness and friendliness and warmth means that things are still heading in the right direction inspite of some back sliding as far as the contact, etc. He also asked if we had any phone messages from a potential employer he contacted, so I believe he's still thinking of a new job as a way to get away from her....and I keep praying for strength and guidance and wisdom, including being able to keep my mouth shut!
