Hi Deb, I too have been keeping up on your situation. I am sorry that your H is where he is at and making it so hard for you. I agree with your comment about going back to square one and acting "as if". My H did this exact same thing to me...the waffling! We can make all of the threats in the world...unless we act upon them they will not do any good. You need to make sure that you are ready and DO enforce any more future threats or ultimatums you give him. My problem was that I could not do that. In the long beginning of our problems, I gave H threat after threat. Ultimatum after ultimatum. Nothing did any good, 'cause I didn't act on any of it. Primarily because I couldn't. I guess I wasn't ready to give it all up.
I think I mentioned in one of my earlier posts to you about how difficult it was to find a "balance" of acting "as if" and still trying to appear caring to H. IT IS VERY HARD. But I worked on it (for some time!) and I'm thinking it worked! At least going by my H's current attitude/actions. He has done a complete turn around. Of course you are the only one who can decide where you are "at" and what you are capable of doing at this point. But if you're not ready to really make H leave or leave yourself...then go ahead...start acting "as if"! Go a little bit dark! Make his head reel and wonder all of a sudden why your not so concerned about what he is doing with OW. I'm here to tell you that this worked for me! It will work within you too. You need to (for yourself and for H to see) start doing many things on your own and with many possible "new" friends. Don't be so anxious to share everything with him. You don't need to lie ... just don't feel that need to tell H everything.
OMG...Deb, sorry to hear about your current sitch. Guess what..I am at similar stage also...Back to square one!
We were supposed to move in together by end of this week and up to last week he sounded so sure of coming back to me but now he isnt. He has doubts. So I told him that I'm not moving in with him unless he has a firm decision and in the meantime I am going a bit dark. I know that is a bit risky and I have to move on. We have to move on deb, let them see that we are important too. Yes, we want them to stay, we want them to come back...but at some point, we cannot play lovey dovey anymore, it will only hurt us. After all, we are merely flesh and blood. Maybe its time we think about ourselves first while they work out their mess.
Take care...By the way I think when you have time to catch up with my thread, you can see that we are not sisters after all...
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for is the one thing you can't see..
I am sorry to hear about this turn of events. I think that OW was bound and determined to make this a messy vacation for you. The shame of it is that your H allowed this to happen.
I think that you have gotten some great advice here. I especially like what Debra said about YOU being the prize and to start acting like it. Deb, if I were you I would memorize those words and start repeating them to myself at each and every encounter with your H. And the key here is to START ACTING LIKE THE PRIZE.
I agree that it is time to set some boundries. Be very sure what they are. Write them down if you need to. And then be consistent. Do you want him calling OW from your home? Do you want OW paraphanaila (sp?) in your home? Do you want son to be around OW?
I think that you can lay it out for him in a kind and loving manner. But you have to be prepared for the consequences. Personally, I think that you are ready Deb. I also think that you would be doing him a huge favor. He has been acting like an ass for way too long now and no one seems to ever stand up to him and tell him so.
And if you rent a car....rent one for him and send him packing....you and your son deserve a break from him and all his drama.
I've been out of town again, and I was sorry (although not surprised) to learn of your sitch.
In the DR there are several circumstances listed that complicate dbing and your H has at least 2...an A and an MLC. (My H has 3...A, MLC, and depression) It can take a long time for them to work their way through that MLC, some books say 2-5 years YIPES!
Try and take a few steps back and remember some of your recent goals. They've prob been met haven't they? Think how far you've come since your D got married. Your R is improving one tiny baby step at a time as I see it.
I can totally sympathize as I am weary and running out of patience myself.
Cut yourself some slack, your H won't necc know if you fall of the db wagon for a day or two.
I am also wondering if your H mesed his own head up with his self imposed deadline of June for "deciding."
Things in my own sitch are improving and I am considering a move to Piecing.
Have you read DB or The Divorce Remedy? Step 1 is to stop the chase. I think the next step is to do a 180 and work on yourself.
There's been a lot of angst here about your staying in the same cabin (and I'm totally with you about that)--so what if you take your own vacation, without H? Would this be an action opposite what he'd expect? It would give you time for you to work on making yourself the best you possible, and it would shake him up a little bit.
Help him pack to stay in the cabin for two weeks on his own and ship him off. You go a different direction.
Hi all, just got here to post,it's been a busy week, and I've not had a minute to be on the boards. so, to try to update, (I havent kept my journal well, either)....I'm more "centered" right now....thank the lord....although things are still hard for me, I am really working on not even looking at "the rope"....making plans, setting small goals for things I intend to do... I stayed for vacation, and it actually had many good, even great moments....the more I thought about it the more I decided it would be a cold day in hell before I let the OW win this one....cloud our long awaited family vacation.... I did make the comment (shouldnt have, I know) to S that it was hard for me to think of them being in this same cabin....S said "well mom, she was here for 4 days with him, you are here for 10, and I know it has to be driving her nuts"....bless his heart, that was helpful...so anyway, I didn't get to do my raft trip because of rain, but got the info and I'm going to do one. H & I actually ML much more than we have for sometime...this is probably really tacky, but I'm keeping track because I think this is a significant indicator of how things are progressing with us...although things didn't work at all for him, for the first time since I've known him, the day before we left.... I hiked w/H & S, and frankly I am really proud of myself....one day I hiked for 5.5 miles, and two days later went 7.5....this is in the mountains, some steep climbs, at about 10,000 feet elevation.....H likes 15 mile hikes and is considering some technical climbs, which I am no where ready for, but last fall I couldnt even walk 200 yards in our yard to feed the animals with out having trouble....so for me that feels like a huge personal victory....I overheard H telling S that anyone who can go 7 miles "out here" is "pretty good"....S started to hike w/ H, which means a lot to both of them, bless his determined little heart, he went 11 miles on a really hard climb.
S and I swam some, which was fun. 1 time we went swimming while H was hiking, and we stayed about 45 minutes longer than we'd said we would, I told S his dad was probably still out hiking...guess who came to the pool looking for us? On the Monday we were gone, H told me he was very proud of me for the weight loss efforts...he guesses I've lost 1/3 of myself (havent, but he doesnt need to know that!) I put on a bathing suit I bought years ago but have never worn (tag says 1996) because it was too small, it not only fit but is almost too large. When I walked out in it, S got this shocked look on his face and said "wow, mom, you look so much different it's almost scary....look at her dad, how much smaller she is"....H didn't say anything, but he had to have noticed, from the look of shock on S's face you couldnt miss it.... one evening H and I were sitting on the cabin porch, and a hummingbird flew over and pooped on us....actually hit us both....I laughed so hard I cried, H seemed more disgusted, but the whole thing just struck me as hilariously ironic....I told H I'd have something to tell my grandkids. So, H and I have been home together since Monday, S is at grandparents. It has been wonderful to just have quiet, unpressured time together....just incredible. the only bad thing is that it makes realize how darn much I love the fool. yesterday I told him that the more focused I become on how much I love him, the more insecure I feel....H said "don't" and gave me a really nice tender kiss....there have been many of those....we have ml much more...guess that's not surprising, but H hasnt had any performance problems either....ml monday, and yesterday morning and then last night....morning at my suggestion, he said he could go get hair cut since he had some extra time, and I said "or you could snuggle and love up your wife", to which he replied "yeah, that's a good idea" and did that instead of the hair cut. last night was at his initiation, which surprised me. I'd been gone some in the afternoon, and when we got in bed, H said he'd been "looking at our picture collection" while I was gone....I didn't know what he was talking about and asked, he said "you know, the polaroids"...I asked why, he said "because I was still horny"....and things took off from there. He made the comment that this is the first time we have had much time alone together since our honeymoon....so that means he's thinking about such things....unfortunately, he's absolutely right, and I believe that's a huge part of how we let ourselves get into this mess.
Yesterday afternoon H mowed with a push mower for about 4 hours....took off his wedding ring to mow....then he walked for 2 hours....I got really anxious when he took off his ring....had to fight hard not say anything, but I ignored it, and then when we went to bed I noticed he had put it back on, and he was wearing it this morning...I was having awful thoughts when he walked for 2 hours that he was going tomeet OW, but didnt say anything. When he got home, the new shoes he was wearing were dirty and scuffed like he had walked, and he was sweaty, so again I was really glad I had kept my hands off the rope!
H is gone with FIL to another funeral this am....he took me in his arms before he left and said "I love you"....and made suggestions that since S is gone we should make the most of our time together tonight! Of course I keep praying FIL will keep HIS promise and not say anything to H....I broke down and told MIL about the pictures and cabin and phone calls etc, when she asked how vacation was, soreally got her fired up, unfortunately. I've got to work on "acting as if" with her... I am in the room where the pictures fell out of the book 2 weeks ago, I see the book is gone.....interesting. there is a phone card here, so I'm sure H is calling her again....which adds my angst and confusion, but I'm getting back to ignoring it. I havent decided yet if I am ready to live with my ultimatums, so havent issued any. since I fully intend to stick by them, I won't do that until I am absolutely sure beyond any doubt. Of course, the darn guy keeps pulling his fat out of the fire by being sweet and loving and giving me lots of darn good sex just when I get to that point....
still, when I look at the long view of things, last summer he was never sweet and loving, ever....everything was strained and angry and hopeless....so that's a long,long way we've come. and he is wearing his wedding ring, putting it on by choice, not because of my whining and coercion. I think it was a year ago this month that he took it off...which really broke my heart....
I am struggling with limits/boundaries....I am very adamant that it's counter productive to set limits that one can't enforce....and I can't see how I can enforce limits on his behavior....the phone calls, having his "stuff", etc., until I am ready to throw him out....so I have chosen to try to "act as if", as hard as it is. One absolute boundary that I can enforce is that he is not to have S around OW....that is where I draw the line, and H has respected that....so I guess that's good, the poor kid isn't stuck into keeping H's ugly secrets any more....
I'm going to try to catch up on some sitchs, then go hang new curtains in our bedroom (still working on that goal)....
I can't help but think that increased LM and tenderness and friendliness and warmth means that things are still heading in the right direction inspite of some back sliding as far as the contact, etc. He also asked if we had any phone messages from a potential employer he contacted, so I believe he's still thinking of a new job as a way to get away from her....and I keep praying for strength and guidance and wisdom, including being able to keep my mouth shut!
i forgot to post a funny thing that happened on vacation....I went to the pool to pick up S, he was coming through the dressing room,and I was standing at the desk with my side towards the dressing room door, from the corner of my eye saw a guy I thought was S come out, turned quickly and said "hey dude" in a happy and cheerful and kind of excited tone, and just about dropped some poor married guy to the floor in shock....you should have seen the look on his face when he thought somebody was hitting on him....I said "oh, sorry, I thought you were my son", and chuckled, but the poor guy was bright red and speechlessly opened and shut his mouth and just stood there like he was totally confused. I laughed all the way back to the cabin and then laughed my head off some more as I told H about it.
Slowly