I keep trying to remember dfb's thoughts on putting yourself into a position of power over OW...I'm trying to do this by backing off again and focusing even here/now on things I can do....trying to set up a white water rafting trip for myself tommorrow while H & S are hiking, somehting I've always wanted to do....H looks kind of shocked and mystified, but says "you should".....
I'm sorry Deb - I hope you can enjoy at least some of the trip. Do the Whitewater Rafting, it sounds like a lot of fun!
As far as how long it takes to get over a marriage or affair, etc....I think it depends on who initiates the breakup. There would be a lot more factors in that as well. Don't go by numbers - if your husband is still that attached, it's a problem. But he is on vacation with you - so enjoy it, okay? But you can't go for your whole marriage with him being that attached to someone else. He needs to dump her or be with her until it's finished. He can't have both of you.
yeah, I know....I just don't know what the heck else I can do....I really don't believe he will go with ow, I believe the things he was telling me two weeks ago, about how temperamental and moody she is, how he can't take that, he really feels....but I have such a hard time keeping a lid on everything....when we had our tearful discussion Tuesday, we walked outside so S didn't have to hear, and H said "you had this won, now I don't know" and I got angry and said "THIS is not a game....THIS is the life of our family".....H got very quiet and said "you're right, it's not a game". I was so close to giving him an ultimatum Tuesday in the middle of the night....that he either has two weeks from the time we get back to get rid of her, file for D, or I will file for separation....and if he gets rid of her and I find he's calling her then I will file for separation.....but I bit my lip and havent done that yet....I have to be certain I'm ready to live w/the potential outcome....OW may be a hotheaded bluffer, but I'm not....I play for keeps, and I mean what I say....so I havent done it yet....I guess for many reasons. I keep thinking he's close to coming to his senses....he seems to go a little further each time they break up, and he is wearing his ring; financially it would be a disaster, we would loose the home we've worked so hard for the last 25 years (2 weeks ago he told me he would never leave it, S says he told him that 5 months ago); and I hate for S to have to go through all that.
I really believe this is mlc stuff, H has even said so, and maybe he is doing the "touch and goes" that Snodderly talks about in that forum.....
I just can't figure out how to proceed, left DR at home, as far as what I should do now DBing wise.
I'm going to sign off soon, but if any body has any thoughts, I'll check in tomorrow and sure need them desparately....................I'm thinking I need to just got back to square one, and act "as if".....some times that seems to be the only thing that works.....
Deb: I'm here and have been checking on your thread daily and was hoping not to hear from you. I am so sorry. This OW is just a b..ch She cant even leave him alone long enough for a vacation with his family and I am sure she is loving that you are in the same cabin. That should be telling him something but it is not. Deb, you cant continue to live like this, it is going to wear you down. The man you knew your H to be was honest and stuck to his word, this man cant or wont. I know this may not be a popular view but think long and hard about what I am going to say. For your own sanity and the sake of your son and your well being, decide what you can deal with and what you cant. Your H told you during the last conversation that he did not believe you would let him go, so he is taking advantage of your kind soul and sounds like he wants you to tell him to leave so he does not have to say the words to you. Tell him what you feel, that he needs to make a choice and stick to it. If he choses to stay with you, then NO CONTACT, for any reason for any excuse. His continued contact with her is sabotaging your reconnection and he has to know this. She chose to get into a R with a married man, she knew the possible consequences and she can hire a therapist to get over it ( and her many other issues) it is not his responsibility. She is an adult. If he is unable to break this tie, then you have more choices to make. If he choses for their R to be over, then it is over, period, no gradual letting go, after all isnt this supposed to be what he has been doing for the last few months. This is his decision to make, do not let him back you into a corner and make it for him and dont let him let your non-action be permission to continue to behave as he is doing. I am sorry Deb but what is it saying to you that he put you in the position to stay in the same cabin, is calling her while on vacation with you, what he told you before you left about the vacation being a time for him to decide what he wanted when he had already supposedly made the decision? None of that was nice at all. He is still being selfish and controlled by her and their fantasy life. Stay strong Deb. Whatever choice he makes is his to own. You have done your best. He will see the light at some point but who knows when that will be so you need to take care of you and S. My prayers are with you. Drop the rope.
Hi Debra....I appreciate your thoughts. Frankly that is where i'm getting to....his waffling is driving me nuts, and I think it is as hard for S....I am trying very hard to get myself centered and calm, I don't know if I should wait just a couple more weeks to see what he does after vacation or not, but I am going to tell him he has to make it stick. I told him Tuesday it obviously would never be over until he did, that she is just manipulating him.....he is just so far out in left field, it is incredible....I have actually been walking around telling myself to drop the rope....catch you later this evening or tomorrow.....gotta go get S from horseback riding....need many prayers to help me think this through and see clearly.
you have my prayers and your gut will tell you when the time has come to let H know exactly what you can and cannot accept any longer. Take care of yourself. Find the calm. I will check on you again tomorrow.
Deb - I agree with Debra. If it was me, I'd probably be kicking his ass out now if he kept on having this type of contact with OW.
When he has said in the past about you being old Deb, or how maybe now he'd not stay home...right now, he is someone who should be apologizing up and down with f***ing with the OW and hurting his family. That may happen - my BF just apologized to me, REALLY apologized (thank goodness, he and ex-OW didn't ML). I stood by him, didn't tell him to disappear out of my life - but you have a son involved. I'm not sure a good example to him is to look the other way each time your H is on the phone with OW. Maybe it is to force him to make a choice...if you can live with the consequences - though there is nothing guaranteed even if you don't. He could wait another year and finally choose OW. It sucks, but you just don't know.
I'm really sorry. I am glad he's wearing his wedding band...but he really should make a clear choice. Otherwise he might fence sit forever. He acts like he's a prize to be won - and he's NOT.
DFB said it very well, you are the prize to be won, not him and maybe it's time to start acting like one. This is all him Deb. When he says things like "how did we get here", remember "we" didnt get here, at this point today, H did. You have corrected your mistakes and changed for the better. YOu have done all the work to become a better stronger woman. He has not really done anything but waffle back and forth between two women. MUst be a great ego boost. OUR H's become bored or unhappy or dissatfied with their lives and rather than dig deep to find out why and come to us with the reasons they turn to these OW who make them "feel" again. It is not her he is dreading to leave it is the "feeling" he gets from that R because of the secrecy and lies and the 100% all out attention from her. He wont see that it cant last and he will be worse off if he is in "her" house and "her" child and "her life, because they really are not his life. You and his children are. It is too bad he cant get beyond his ego a little and see this. Does he really think living in someone eles's house and raising someone elses child are going to make him happy?Listen to your heart. It will tell you what to do. You deserve happiness in your life too Deb
Quote: This is all him Deb. When he says things like "how did we get here", remember "we" didnt get here, at this point today, H did.
Amen! He should be chasing and trying to win YOU, not the other way around!
There was something that I really liked in an article I read a couple of months back. The line was that marriage doesn't make people happy, it just makes them married. So many of us have these grand ideas that marriage is supposed to make us happy - your H is probably looking for happiness, but if he's not happy with himself, he won't find it anywhere. This isn't about you, it is about him and his issues/unhappiness/etc.
