Hi all. I need input quick if anyone is there...I;ll only be here an hour today probably, and then on sometime tomorrwo I think. I am struggling mightily...we are in same cabin as H & OW last fall; we walked in the door friday nite and I started crying, H looked like he was about to, I've managed most of the time to put it out of my mind, but I am certain he's been calling her some and Tuesday I lost it....asked him if he was, asked him if any of the stuff he told me 2 weeks ago was real, and why he told me it was all over if it wasnt...he said he told me that because he thought it was...I lost it, told him I was sick of living with this crap, was about at the end of my rope, that it would never be over until he said it was and made it stick....that there were many things he didn't know, about all the guys she's dumped because they didn't have enough money, and that I'm really pissed that I got a disease out of all this....so from there it went to a night long crying spell/discussion....H says he doesnt know what's wrong with him, doesnt know where we went wrong, I was so upset I talked about getting a rental car and going home, but that upsets S so much I haven't done it. at one point I told H that I loved him enough to give him up (after the lrt in DR) that I still wanted him and us and would always be willing to work on it, but if it wasnt what he wanted, then he should file for D and go, that i would never do it....H said OW said the same thing, "those exact words" so she is using the SAME technique....I started to cry...a lot....H was holding me...I said I'm sorry, I'm just having trouble letting go...H kind of "croaked" out "what" and started sobbing and said "I didnt think you would ever do that"....I said it wasnt what I wanted but that I'm a person who means what I say and that in order to let him go I have to let go.....I asked if he was going to file when we get back, he said he didn't want to, did I want him to...told him no......we cried and held each other and talked about what went wrong for a long time...I told him what I've read that it takes as long as the A lasted after contact ends to get over it, that y ou should figure on 2 years for every 5 married to get over a D, and that it probably takes a month for every year M to put things back together, he said he didnt doubt this...I havent shared any of my research w/him before because I thought he would be angered more....yesterday am I backed way way off, H & S went on a long hike, & in afternoon H took a nap. I did go in with him, after he woke up patted him, sighed said I still want you and he said you mean like this, grabbed me & ml....In the evening we were sitting on the porch and he said he'd heard me call to check on computer accesss, wanted to know what I was up to...told him I didn't know what he meant by up to something, but I wasnt; H said I had to be to be checking into internet access on vacation..told him I wasnt with it enough to be up to anything on the net, that I was just a ditz brain, H said "hardly"....and was irritated but let it drop. I decided a little mystery served him right and just smiled at him....H actually seems a little warmer today (out hiking) than when we first got here, but what do I do now??????????HHHHHEEEELLLLPPPP!!!!!!
