I'm not sure, probably will be MIA, I don't have a laptop and may not get by a library to get on a computer. If I get a chance I will try to update everyone as to how it's going (and how I'm holding up) and of course if I get desperate I will find a computer some where. We will be back home early on the 28th, so I will probably get a chance to post around that time....
hmmmm, interesting Dawn, you have to be right, she is pulling something...the conniving b---c. In his more open moments last weekend or the one before, he talked about what a guilt trip she can evoke, and how angry and impatient she is, and that there are always conditions attached....she sort of threw him out, according to him (told him home w/me was where the hell he needed to be) and when he agreed and came there it probably didn't go like she planned. hmmmmmmm, so now I see this is a huge, covert struggle. It had never dawned on me that she is acting out, throwing all she's got at him, so to speak. but I see that now, and I'm thinking I need to fight fire with....a flame thrower.
I'm thinking I'm going to try to get myself psyched up, go home and be really cheerful and excited as if nothing ever happened. at the very least it will be a 180 and H will think I've lost it! I think I'll give him a little gift and if I had time I'd go by the adult store and look for new toys...probably don't have time though...I think I'll pack a few old ones.
Hi dfb, yes, for now he's chosen to be at home, and I need to make the most of it....I wonder it that's what he meant when he said I had the upper hand?
OW is probably NOT angering him at his point...cause we know he hates that...she is most likely pouting and crying and throwing the guilt on pretty thick. Or who knows, faking illness, injury, or threatening to do bodily harm to herself. (We can only hope...hahaha)
Be the even keel. It's all right to let him know that you are hurting but willing to set that aside for the sake of the family having a wonderful vacation.
Quote: Hi dfb, yes, for now he's chosen to be at home, and I need to make the most of it....I wonder it that's what he meant when he said I had the upper hand?
You have two options. You could ask him (if he said it again), or just assume that he means that he's at home. It doesn't really matter in the long run what he meant - he is HOME, even if he still feels a pull towards OW. You need to make sure he feels pulled towards you now.
You should have a GREAT vacation. Make lots of wonderful memories, take lots of wonderful pictures. Take those pictures and put them on a multi-picture frame on the wall. When he thinks of the cabin, he should be thinking about you. And if you get the same bed - just make sure you thoroughly use that bed to the fullest. Do that anyway, but I'd make sure to get completely down and dirty if it was a bed he may have shared with someone else. Erase as many memories as you can and create as many as you can!
Just a thought...if she's crying/throwing a tantrum/issuing demands...you want to be the exact opposite. I think the WAS is like water--they will follow the path of least resistance.
My H react horribly to anything he thinks I am doing to "throw it in his face." Yes, I have literally bit the inside of my cheek to stop from saying something damaging to him at times.
Be your H's biggest supporter, his biggest fan, and validate your @$$ off right now! He will appreciate it in a big way. My H at one point said I was the only person who understood his side--I think this was one of the deciding factors in him coming home.
Trust me on this...he does feel guilty, or he wouldn't have said it before. If you hang onto this anger and need for him to constantly apologize, you will make him miserable. I'm not saying he doesn't have some making up to do...just don't push him away with it. I did, after our first sep and the PA--and I honestly think it was a contributing factor to sep #2. I didn't have DB or anyone to help me cope. The few who knew said he should be groveling at my feet for letting him back in, and I took that approach and ran with it. Wasn't good for our M.
So if you need reassurance, just say, "I'm hurting right now. Can I get a hug?" And leave it at that.
thanks guys, this is all so helpful....yep, I'm gonna put forth my biggest and best effort and really go to town, at least try to....If I find a calling card, that damn thing is gone with the wind...or toilet or somewhere... I gotta sign off the computer gang, wish me luck and PLEASE PRAY FOR ME/US....I will try to check in & catch up if I get a chance.
And Best of luck to all of you in your sitchs!!! Deb
Hi all. I need input quick if anyone is there...I;ll only be here an hour today probably, and then on sometime tomorrwo I think. I am struggling mightily...we are in same cabin as H & OW last fall; we walked in the door friday nite and I started crying, H looked like he was about to, I've managed most of the time to put it out of my mind, but I am certain he's been calling her some and Tuesday I lost it....asked him if he was, asked him if any of the stuff he told me 2 weeks ago was real, and why he told me it was all over if it wasnt...he said he told me that because he thought it was...I lost it, told him I was sick of living with this crap, was about at the end of my rope, that it would never be over until he said it was and made it stick....that there were many things he didn't know, about all the guys she's dumped because they didn't have enough money, and that I'm really pissed that I got a disease out of all this....so from there it went to a night long crying spell/discussion....H says he doesnt know what's wrong with him, doesnt know where we went wrong, I was so upset I talked about getting a rental car and going home, but that upsets S so much I haven't done it. at one point I told H that I loved him enough to give him up (after the lrt in DR) that I still wanted him and us and would always be willing to work on it, but if it wasnt what he wanted, then he should file for D and go, that i would never do it....H said OW said the same thing, "those exact words" so she is using the SAME technique....I started to cry...a lot....H was holding me...I said I'm sorry, I'm just having trouble letting go...H kind of "croaked" out "what" and started sobbing and said "I didnt think you would ever do that"....I said it wasnt what I wanted but that I'm a person who means what I say and that in order to let him go I have to let go.....I asked if he was going to file when we get back, he said he didn't want to, did I want him to...told him no......we cried and held each other and talked about what went wrong for a long time...I told him what I've read that it takes as long as the A lasted after contact ends to get over it, that y ou should figure on 2 years for every 5 married to get over a D, and that it probably takes a month for every year M to put things back together, he said he didnt doubt this...I havent shared any of my research w/him before because I thought he would be angered more....yesterday am I backed way way off, H & S went on a long hike, & in afternoon H took a nap. I did go in with him, after he woke up patted him, sighed said I still want you and he said you mean like this, grabbed me & ml....In the evening we were sitting on the porch and he said he'd heard me call to check on computer accesss, wanted to know what I was up to...told him I didn't know what he meant by up to something, but I wasnt; H said I had to be to be checking into internet access on vacation..told him I wasnt with it enough to be up to anything on the net, that I was just a ditz brain, H said "hardly"....and was irritated but let it drop. I decided a little mystery served him right and just smiled at him....H actually seems a little warmer today (out hiking) than when we first got here, but what do I do now??????????HHHHHEEEELLLLPPPP!!!!!!
Debra, if you are there, this computer has not been letting me respond to your email for some reason....I'm reading it and appreciate your support though....
Erase as many memories as you can and create as many as you can!
I think the WAS is like water--they will follow the path of least resistance. 
