It is so incredible....I just called to where our reservations are, and OF COURSE we are currently listed for the same cabin that H & OW were in at thanksgiving. How weird is that? The woman I talked to said she would try her best to move us to another cabin....I just flat out started crying and told her the whole sordid mess....she just gasped and said "OH MY"....was at least nice about it.
It's a really nice cabin in a great location, but I can't go in there and look at, let alone sleep in, that bed.
Unless of course I have to, and then I really need God's help.
I did smile....and I need all the smiles and laughs I can get right now.
I certainly admit that H has some legitimate "beef"s about being "neglected"....I accept responsibility for that. But boy I still catch the heat of blame....
I know how hard it is, but think of it this way - YOU are going with him this time. That probably tears the OW up knowing that. And if you got the same bed - it will be erasing memories and replacing them with new ones for him.
Just remember that this is your vacation. Not OW's.
How on earth can he change so fast, be completely done one day, crying in my arms, kissing my hand, wanting me to hold him, and he is so thankful and I'm the most wonderful person on earth and she is so mean and manipulative, and then the next day he's back calling her and she doesnt deserve to be hurt and he loves her (yep got to hear that s--t again last night)
I really honestly cannot comprehend this no matter how hard I try. And I am trying REALLY hard right now. Has any body else gone through this??????
It's like an addiction. He doesn't necessarily love her, but there is something about her that is addicting to him. Think of any addiction you have - chocolate, sex, anything. Chocolate is nearly impossible for me to stay away from.
He needs to have the addiction broken, and it's not happened yet. He's struggling a lot - and you need to make sure that you and the home is inviting. Don't push him away now. Ex-b had said some pretty awful things to me last year - but last week he apologized and said that I'd always been there for him. I don't know what will happen in the future, but "being there" is really important - and if you do it, you'll be less likely to lose him in the long run.
Heck, stay in the cabin that he stayed in last year and take photos - and somehow make sure that OW sees them. Or at least knows you are there, and in which cabin. Put yourself in the position of power. I did that last year - and it helped me so much.
thanks dfb, yes you are right, the thought has occurred to me that if we are in the same bed, I'll have a chance to replace his memories of her being there.....
Deb, I think I may have mentioned on your previous thread that your sitch reminds me A LOT of my own sitch in the time period between bomb #1 and #2. It was over, it wasn't, he said it was but it wasn't... I even went to Brazil w/ him to try and stop the madness but that was only a temp fix.
I did not know about db until after bomb #2, so at least now you and I and everyone else here have a framework for managing our chaos.
Just think back to your db techniques, breathe deeply, and do what you know best, be the charming lovely person he married, not some obsessive crazy woman hell bent on making every little thing into a huge issue.
For as crappy as we know thee OW's to be they truly are an addiction. It takes time patience and love to bring our H's back from the scary roller coaster of OW Land.
Pam
ps. will you be incommunicado for the next 10 days?
just found this post dfb, I think we are posting at the same time....I hadnt thought about it maybe eating OW up that I'm going this time, and for much longer than she was there. I know she thought she'd have him "reeled in" long ago. what are some ideas besides pictures for putting myself in a position of power?
You know, I'm thinking maybe I'll take a few of those little gifts to give him, or even give him one tonight...I don't care if it seems manipulative to me, I don't think he sees things the same way I do (duh) and I told him this morning I had gotten some trinkets for his lunch and that I had had fun looking for them, and he perked up and said "what are they"...I told him I wasnt going to tell him, and he said "so if you got those and had fun, why did you "jump" me like this"....
Still thinking of you. It does seem like such terrible timing for this to happen. But I don't think it's such a coincidence, do you?
OW has knowledge of your plans and I am sure that she is pulling something. Let her pull and get your family out of town and your H out of her reach. Give him a few days of fun with you and your son on vacation and watch his perspective change again!
Keep R talks to absolute minimum! Keep yourself sane by repeating to yourself all the wonderful things that your H has said to you....
Be strong Deb. Be confident. You have it ALL OVER that wh@#@!
For right now you are the sane one in the family. Take the lead.
The position of power is taking control of the situation instead of letting it get to you. That is SO important. For myself last year, it was checking into ex-OW's past. But there was a reason for that, and it as with the support of ex-B. I had basically told him that she was lying to him and I proved it.
It doesn't take doing anything with or to OW to put yourself in a position of power. Your H has currently chosen to be at home. You already are in a better position. Like...when I found that stuff from last year...that ex-b had gone so far overboard with ex-OW, I could have let it get to me. I did briefly, but I could have confronted him with it and I'd have put myself in a weak position. Instead, I acted as if there wasn't a problem (I tried, anyway). And pretty soon there really wasn't. It still hurts some if I think about it, but I took control and allowed myself to realize that he's spending time with me, not her. And I'm making the most of that.
You need to concentrate on that red, hot mama you know you are!
