I think I will....you are right, it would eliminate a big part of my stress, probably H's also. I think the chances are slim that we could get switched, but I will give it a try.....
Deb, I think this can be an opportunity for you BOTH to rewrite that awful Thanksgiving trip, and replace it with a family memory..memories of you two as husband and wife and lovers and best friends. If you don't go, you are letting the tgiving trip be the definitive memory of that place for him. If you can muster the strength, then please don't let this happen!
As far as his comments about slighting him, it sounds like he is still feeling resentful and trying to justify his own actions. I would not defend yourself, just let his own hateful words dig himself a hole that even HE doesn't want to be in. You know what my H would say to me? He would reply, "I'm sorry things got to that point; all I can do is look to the future now and never let it happen again."
BOY there was nothing to argue with that one. It was the truth--can't go back and undo the past, right. And also there was nowhere else to go but forward! It was irrefutable, although I did give it my best shot in continuing to be ugly. I feel terrible about this, btw, and I guarantee that your H feels like a gigantic turd for saying things like that to you, his biggest fan and most ardent supporter.
One last comment: If you really believe that it was Satan who put those pictures in your path last night, then do NOT let him win by allowing those images to pervade the entire trip. Pray a lot and do not mention it again to H, if you can, so that he does not begin sabotaging the trip, out of his own confused feelings of guilt and shame over what he has done to you.
Hang in there; I will say lots of prayers for you both and have very high hopes for this trip to strengthen you and make you remember why you chose each other!!!
oh wow I'm hurting. I can't help asking myself how he can do this to me....again....I gotta get past that quick if we are to get some benefit from our vacation trip....it just hurts a lot. It hurt so much to see those pictures...and I was not snooping, I don't feel like picking up a book that's plainly displayed in my own home is snooping....I was shocked speechless when the pictures fell out....
I feel like I need some time with him, also. Everything at home was so weird and haywire last weekend that it didn't work very well...
Okay. So how about a nice dinner date or movie with H? Something outside of the house, and something that will distract you.
If it will help, write out everything that hurts here. Just vent. Let loose of it all, and tell yourself that you're letting go.
Maybe go exercise. Exercise is great for the PMA, and as a stress-reliever. Go biking or swimming or jogging. Something to physically exhaust you--it will help.
thanks Honeypot, yeah you are right about the trip being a chance to rewrite the script or rescript the memories of the place that H has...
I'm probably starting to sound like a person with schizophrenia by talking about the devil, but I swear it is so weird the way this things seems to have taken a big death gasp and then all-hell seems to break loose every way we turn.....
I appreciate your prayers and everyone elses, and I'm working on mustering up the strength and PMA to make it great...maybe if I can seduce him off a hiking trail it will be enough of a surprise to erase some of the memory....
This is really good Honeypot, I'm going to burn it into my brain so I can use it.
I've known H was still resentful and angry with me...and his denial of it just made me that much more confused. At least his admitting it helps me know that I am not completely off base here.
Did you have an A, Honeypot? I thought I'd read through pretty much all of your sitch, but I can't recall.....I'd just like to say I sure appreciate your input and insights. If you did, it must be scary to share, but what a gift to all of us LBS's...thank you. (thank you regardless of an A or not!) ok I'm about to open my mouth to change feet here, so will end this post, but thanks again so much.
When you find something, do NOT bring it up immediately. Let it sit in your head for a few days, and see if it will do any good at all to bring it up. A month or so ago, I found the paperwork where ex- was trying to get ex-OW in the country last year, that he supposedly proposed (I expect they really just talked about it as a way to get her here in the country).
I wanted to escape the apt. immediately once I saw that. Then I wanted to say something. But I haven't. I posted it here, and that was most of anything I did. Thank goodness. There is nothing much good that could have come out of me saying anything.
Your H is with you. I understand that you will be vacationing where she went too - but you can give him newer, better memories. Do that! And don't confront him on ANYTHING right away. I'd say always give it a few days so you can decide if it's important. By then you might decide that it isn't. And if it is, you hopefully won't be accusatory - the immediate emotions of finding something should have passed.
Yeah, finding those pictures really stinks. I am so sorry you saw them. And NO, I do not think that you were snooping at all. Perhaps boundry #1 should be that he remove all that crap from YOUR home. I don't see any reason for him to keep that stuff there.
Yes, I do think that you should go on vacation. It would mean a lot to your son and I think that it may do a world of good for you all to get away as a family.
I think, humbly, that the more you question your H and his motives...the more he questions himself. The more you waiver/waffle....the more he waivers and waffles. Does that make sense?
A suggestion...as you and H are going through this re-connecting process and R issues arise, try to bring up only ONE issue at a time. Discuss it for less than 5 minutes, try to bring some kind of end to the discussion, even if the "ending" is only to say that you will talk about it again sometime. It does bring you some feeling of accomplishment and you don't get all bound up in a lot of emotion.
I wish you the best on your vacation. Don't feel bad about sending H and son off on their own and get sometime for yourself! Bring along a good book and a scented candle...that always helps me.
I would like to say that is because I am a woman of exquisite moral character (lol) but the truth would probably be closer to this: It was just not a time in my life that I came into contact with a lot of adults, let alone men. (sahm of little ones) So the temptation was there and there strongly but the opportunity never was. Would I have, if given the chance? Good gosh, I hope not. That was my worst fear and something that I am ashamed to this day that I even entertained. I felt SO vulnerable for so many years.
And when it all hit the fan, boy, was I angry at H. Now, our situation was a lot different than yours, so I don't know if that was a natural reaction or not. I suspect it is, though. It does sound like your H has both some legitimate resentment issues (for feeling rejected) and some major "projecting" resentment issues (Deb forced me into this). I think that the only way he can see the error of the second one, which is a pretty big error if you ask me!, is time. It sounds like he is struggling with wanting to take the blame and feeling bad about himself, to wanting desperately to push the blame off on someone else. The contact with OW can't be helping, either.
I sure hope he's leaving that damn cell phone at home while you are away!
Chin up, my dear. You have a golden opportunity to have a fresh start on this trip. Hope you see a lot more major league boners in the next couple weeks. (sorry just trying to get a LAUGH outta you!) I thought that line was really funny...
