Please help me get my head on straight and decide how to handle this.... Last night as soon as I posted, I got up and turned around, looked at a book shelf, and standing upright, turned outward in a decorative manner on the shelf, was a book of devotionals....I hadnt seen it before, thought "huh, I could use that right now"...picked it up (should have known better, I guess eggshells serve their purpose) and out fell pictures of OW....at OUR vacation spot, last Thanksgiving w/H on the trip I gave him for a christmas present...I have suspected but H has always told me she didnt go with him....my intuition is right again. So now, the vacation I've looked so forward to gets to be spent knowing that OW was there w/H while I was missing him so much, I will probably get to face sleeping in the same bed in the same cabin they were in.
When H came in from his walk, I told him I knew, told him I'd known for a long time (which is true, just wanted to deny my instincts) H tried to lie again, saying she was in Arkansas w/D, I told him I'd seen the pictures and to quit lying.... I told him I needed to know what the status of the sitch w/her really was, he said he figured we had a good 2-week vacation together and then he would decide, that she has told him no more part-time stuff, either he's with her or with me...said OW is not a bad person, doesnt deserve to be hurt!? he said it seems like he's lived his life always doing what he should do instead of what he wants to do, said he didnt know, maybe it's midlife crisis (!!?)...that I probably know him better than anyone and I should know he will always do the right thing over what he wants to do....I told him that hurts, started crying, and got up and left the table....he said he was sorry, if I thought that hurts I should hear what he says to her. I told him again that we will never be able to get anywhere as long as his heart is somewhere else.
We went to bed, and guess who initiated ML with a major-league "boner"? I still cant figure this out....we went to sleep, I woke up in the middle of the night, H was still awake, and it all really hit me again....I told him maybe he should just pack up his whore and take her, because I couldnt see spending my vacation auditioning for my life, and feeling like I was being compared pro/con to some checklist in his head to determine what he's going to do...he said that wasnt what he was doing, basically said, and I clarified to make sure this is what he was saying, that he is staying but is not going to tell her until after our vacation We talked about whether or not we should still go, he said I should have said something sooner, I told him I thought I could handle it but it has gotten harder and harder as it's gotten closer, and I become more frightened. H said so if he gave me one bad year, I had given him 10, and if something good came of the one bad one how could I complain !!!????? I don't think either of us slept any, he was up at 5 am (sick again, he says) probably on phone w/OW, I didn't check. H is off today, before I came into the office we talked some, H said I couldnt love him since I couldnt trust him, that the lying was done to protect our R (I must have looked at him increduously, because he said "well in this case"), and asked would it have been better if he'd just said what he was going to do...I told him I thought it would....I told him again I want us to work and I believe we can build a great M, he said he thought so too. Told him I was on the verge of begging, he said "don't", I said "I know, so I have to go"...H said he did love me, and "I'll straighten up, I promise", whatever the heck that's supposed to mean. He said he appreciated all my efforts and they had helped, and he appreciated the weight loss.
HELP me sort his out please, we're supposed to leave at 8 in the morning.....what in the name of heaven do I do now? just go and act "as if"? I'm not sure I have that much "as if" left in me. I thought of calling to see if they could make sure we didn't get in that cabin, but that probably is not an option, it's a BIG crowded place where you have to send in summer reservations four months ahead of time.... HELP!!!!
My heart is totally going out to you. I feel like I need a case of Dramamine for this roller coaster ride we're on. Just when we think that we know which end is up and that the A is over it rears it's ugly head again. August will mark my one year anniv of knowing about the A and it has totally been a roller coaster of thinking it was over when it wasn't. Wanting to believe and trust my H when he wasn't trustworthy yet.
SO maybe my best advice is to ask yourself the question will going on this vacation help further my goals? I think that you would probably decide that it will.
As Christians we have to believe that the devil is real and is on a seek and destroy mission. He doesn't want us to have happy healthy families and well adjusted kids. He loves divorce and adultery and other things that grieve God.
So keep your head up, keep praying, keep dbing and don't let the devil win. He wants to steal our joy.
Someone told me that things get darkest just before the dawn and I think thats true.
thanks nitaf for checking up on me...I know H has to sort his stuff out for himself, but what I need help with is sorting out how I can respond most effectively, where to go from here/what to do now..... ANY insights on that order would be most appreciated.
Okay, you sound like you could use some time alone, to calm down. You're really letting yourself get sucked in here. I know you know all of this, but I'm going to tell you anyway, because I think you need to hear it right now.
1. Stop obsessing about OW. You're getting caught up in that drama again.
2. You're pushing H for the emotional reconnection. It's not going to happen instantly. He's not just going to wake up and see OW for what she is. Stop pushing, stop pressuring. Let it happen naturally.
3. Act "as if" your H is completely recommitted. He decided to stick through it with you. Whatever his reasons are right now, they might change tomorrow. That's normal. He's on a real emotional ride right now, and you need to be his support for the moment.
4. If you need reassurance, ask for it, but stop the accusations of "you lied" and "you still want her." These are going to push him away from you. Just tell him you're feeling a little hurt, and could use a hug. And especially stop waving it in his face with things like the pictures!
5. Realize that these are your feelings, and that's okay. It's perfectly normal to feel what you are feeling--but it's how you act that's important.
Maybe reread the DR section on infidelity again. Do something for your PMA. Get away from your sitch for awhile.
Quote: I told him again I want us to work and I believe we can build a great M, he said he thought so too.
There's your answer. Now, repeat it over and over in your head. Read that part of your post.
And stop trying to dig up evidence that he's still interesting in being with OW! You're crazymaking.
Okay, now that I've reminded you of all the things you already know... {{{{debcb}}}} Stick with it, remember to stay calm, and you'll be fine. Do something to pamper yourself today. Go to a spa or get a new outfit. And remember to smile! You have your H!
Hi Pamila, yeah, the goal question is helpful....I have been thinking that if I can muster the strength, it could really be a chance to shine....I did ask H also this morning if he was planning on staying and if vacation would be chance for us to start building our new M or if he would just be having his mind constantly focused on where/what they did there....H said he was hesitant to answer since I didn't seem to believe anything he says anymore.....I had asked him that because it would affect how I feel about the trip greatly...H said he was hoping we would have some time for some really good talks. He also admitted this morning that he was still angry with me for what he perceives as my slighting him.....I knew that deep down as well.
I swear it feels right now like the devil is throwing all hes got at us...I cant figure out why, except that H has always been one of the "really good" ones....I mean, what kind of victory is it to add another "clinker" to the fold? I am praying that God will give me the strength and grace to ride this thing out, and that he will give H what he needs for healing. I have always believed that God brought us together, and I can't believe that he suddenly changed his mind. Either last weekend or the weekend before H was saying the same thing
S desperately wants me to go on vacation, that's another consideration.
H did make the comment this morning that we have many good memories that pre-date the time he spent there with her...and that maybe how we looked at things would effect how we do on the trip.
I'm wondering if I have what it will take to go on the trip and make it good.....I'm trying to get myself psyched up to make it great, better than with her, but I keep feeling like it's such stiff competition.
H made the comment last night that I had "the upper hand"...told him I couldnt see that and I still have no clue what he meant.....
We talked about whether or not we should still go, he said I should have said something sooner, I told him I thought I could handle it but it has gotten harder and harder as it's gotten closer, and I become more frightened. H said so if he gave me one bad year, I had given him 10, and if something good came of the one bad one how could I complain !!!????? I don't think either of us slept any, he was up at 5 am (sick again, he says) probably on phone w/OW, I didn't check. H is off today, before I came into the office we talked some, H said I couldnt love him since I couldnt trust him, that the lying was done to protect our R (I must have looked at him increduously, because he said "well in this case"), and asked would it have been better if he'd just said what he was going to do...I told him I thought it would....I told him again I want us to work and I believe we can build a great M, he said he thought so too. Told him I was on the verge of begging, he said "don't", I said "I know, so I have to go"...H said he did love me, and "I'll straighten up, I promise", whatever the heck that's supposed to mean. He said he appreciated all my efforts and they had helped, and he appreciated the weight loss. 
