Please help me get my head on straight and decide how to handle this.... Last night as soon as I posted, I got up and turned around, looked at a book shelf, and standing upright, turned outward in a decorative manner on the shelf, was a book of devotionals....I hadnt seen it before, thought "huh, I could use that right now"...picked it up (should have known better, I guess eggshells serve their purpose) and out fell pictures of OW....at OUR vacation spot, last Thanksgiving w/H on the trip I gave him for a christmas present...I have suspected but H has always told me she didnt go with him....my intuition is right again. So now, the vacation I've looked so forward to gets to be spent knowing that OW was there w/H while I was missing him so much, I will probably get to face sleeping in the same bed in the same cabin they were in.
When H came in from his walk, I told him I knew, told him I'd known for a long time (which is true, just wanted to deny my instincts) H tried to lie again, saying she was in Arkansas w/D, I told him I'd seen the pictures and to quit lying.... I told him I needed to know what the status of the sitch w/her really was, he said he figured we had a good 2-week vacation together and then he would decide, that she has told him no more part-time stuff, either he's with her or with me...said OW is not a bad person, doesnt deserve to be hurt!? he said it seems like he's lived his life always doing what he should do instead of what he wants to do, said he didnt know, maybe it's midlife crisis (!!?)...that I probably know him better than anyone and I should know he will always do the right thing over what he wants to do....I told him that hurts, started crying, and got up and left the table....he said he was sorry, if I thought that hurts I should hear what he says to her. I told him again that we will never be able to get anywhere as long as his heart is somewhere else.
We went to bed, and guess who initiated ML with a major-league "boner"? I still cant figure this out....we went to sleep, I woke up in the middle of the night, H was still awake, and it all really hit me again....I told him maybe he should just pack up his whore and take her, because I couldnt see spending my vacation auditioning for my life, and feeling like I was being compared pro/con to some checklist in his head to determine what he's going to do...he said that wasnt what he was doing, basically said, and I clarified to make sure this is what he was saying, that he is staying but is not going to tell her until after our vacation We talked about whether or not we should still go, he said I should have said something sooner, I told him I thought I could handle it but it has gotten harder and harder as it's gotten closer, and I become more frightened. H said so if he gave me one bad year, I had given him 10, and if something good came of the one bad one how could I complain !!!????? I don't think either of us slept any, he was up at 5 am (sick again, he says) probably on phone w/OW, I didn't check. H is off today, before I came into the office we talked some, H said I couldnt love him since I couldnt trust him, that the lying was done to protect our R (I must have looked at him increduously, because he said "well in this case"), and asked would it have been better if he'd just said what he was going to do...I told him I thought it would....I told him again I want us to work and I believe we can build a great M, he said he thought so too. Told him I was on the verge of begging, he said "don't", I said "I know, so I have to go"...H said he did love me, and "I'll straighten up, I promise", whatever the heck that's supposed to mean. He said he appreciated all my efforts and they had helped, and he appreciated the weight loss.
HELP me sort his out please, we're supposed to leave at 8 in the morning.....what in the name of heaven do I do now? just go and act "as if"? I'm not sure I have that much "as if" left in me. I thought of calling to see if they could make sure we didn't get in that cabin, but that probably is not an option, it's a BIG crowded place where you have to send in summer reservations four months ahead of time.... HELP!!!!
We talked about whether or not we should still go, he said I should have said something sooner, I told him I thought I could handle it but it has gotten harder and harder as it's gotten closer, and I become more frightened. H said so if he gave me one bad year, I had given him 10, and if something good came of the one bad one how could I complain !!!????? I don't think either of us slept any, he was up at 5 am (sick again, he says) probably on phone w/OW, I didn't check. H is off today, before I came into the office we talked some, H said I couldnt love him since I couldnt trust him, that the lying was done to protect our R (I must have looked at him increduously, because he said "well in this case"), and asked would it have been better if he'd just said what he was going to do...I told him I thought it would....I told him again I want us to work and I believe we can build a great M, he said he thought so too. Told him I was on the verge of begging, he said "don't", I said "I know, so I have to go"...H said he did love me, and "I'll straighten up, I promise", whatever the heck that's supposed to mean. He said he appreciated all my efforts and they had helped, and he appreciated the weight loss. 
