Quote: ... feeling like it wouldn't matter if I suddenly weren't here 'course he may wonder why the beds not made or there's no food or the laundry isn't done or where the kids are but other than that? honestly...
I don't know if this will work for you. but this brought back a childhood flashback...
What if you packed a suitcase for the kids and spent a few days / a week with your Mom. No warning ... just up and left after he'd gone to work. When he discovers where you are, be vague and only let on that you're looking to find some things out...
... and for your conception what you're looking to find out doesn't require you to do anything but sit tight and wait to see exactly what he is willing to do to show you he wants you back.
It may be a means to getting the answers you're looking for so you can get some piece of mind.
In case, you're wondering in my Mom's case, she asked us, How would we like to see Grandma & Grandpa Y. Of course we said "Yeeaaa!" So she packed a couple of suitcases and off we went on a 2,000 mile trek. While I didn't know the particulars, Dad joined us in about a week. When we got home afterwards dynamics had changed and the tension had certainly eased all around.
Now I'm not trying to compare your sitch with my parents, but seeking a mechanism that will inspire change. Having your H leave and come back didn't work for long, what about if you took a surprise hiatus with no word about coming back?
Here you still are, and as usual you seem to be in the same place as I am.
Quote:
feeling lost, feeling hopeless, feeling like I live with a stranger who sleeps in my bed and occassionaly even has sex with me but is it a relationship? would it matter if I or he were someone else?
Oh I hear you. For many of the same reasons as you I do not go on this board much. It is hard to keep up and I sometimes feel like things get worse when I am here. Anyhow things have been getting a lot worse lately and I feel like I have nowhere else to turn but here.
My brother lived with us for 2 months (May and June) it was great when he was around, both H and I enjoyed his company both separately and together. It let me see a lot of sides of H that I don’t normally see. He was happy chatting to my brother, shooting the breeze etc not just sitting in front of computer all night then turning in. So why can’t he do that with me? Suddenly tiredness or computer stuff weren’t getting in the way and he was able to socialise and be chatty with someone in the evening? Now bro has gone and we have reverted to old patterns and I feel worse. I live with a cardboard cutout of a husband.
The worst thing that has happened lately is that I suddenly feel no longer able to ML with him, I don’t know how that happened, it has always been kind of the bedrock (ha ha) of our relationship and suddenly mentally I am just not there anymore when we ML. I try not to let on because I don’t want to cause huge mind-blowing rows which I know would happen (as have happened in the past just by saying I’m not really in the mood). But I am not in the mood to ML with him I feel like he is selfish and only interested in his own needs I can’t give anymore.
Now the really dirty secret I sometimes find myself totting up how much life insurance I would get if he had a heart attack or whatever. I guess that is the lazy person’s solution to this problem (kill him off like a character in a novel). What I need to do is tackle it, but I can’t. Recently I tried to tackle an issue with him and he became unbelievably abusive towards me, he has never been like that in the past, normally he at least tries to engage with what I’m saying before it degenerates into a row - it’s like he can’t even be bothered anymore.
We have a vacation ahead of us and I just hope we can be more natural together away from day to day pressures. Like KAW I wonder if a M can survive on vactions alone (can a life be lived that way?)
take care
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
Quote: So, should we just assume you are venting and it's not really as bad as it sounds? I'm never really sure myself...so let's for just assume vent to be on the safe side.
What can we use to chip through the brick wall and get them to talk to us? put down the chissle and go find something else to do? they'll talk when we are busy doing what we enjoy instead of trying to get them to talk? H wants to be close to me and tells me that if he didn't care he wouldn't be so concerned about my phone calls, etc, but, follow thru buddy. TALK TO ME! How do we get to them? as much as it doesn't make sense...I'm going to have to say...stop talking to them and stop trying to get them to talk.
And NO, you cannot stay on vacation forever. If your kids are anything like mine, they already want to go home. How does he react when you tell him how much fun you are having on vacation? he loves it. but of course vacations don't last forever and soon it's back to the same ole same ole..him working and us living life. My H was a little surprised when I went on and on about what a great day we'd had, how beautiful the weather was, etc. I even said, quit your job and lets move here. I think he laughed, but I was so pumped that he couldn't help but respond.
Well, do all the venting or journaling you need. It gets it off your shoulders and helps you let it go, right? And you don't bore the heck out of your human friends. it's not so much boring you all as it is sending a mixed message..piecing is no longer a place where just those piecing reside..it's full of the whole gammot so not all understand that yes even after a year + of h being home things aren't all peaches and cream.
Quote: What if you packed a suitcase for the kids and spent a few days / a week with your Mom. No warning ... just up and left after he'd gone to work. When he discovers where you are, be vague and only let on that you're looking to find some things out...
... and for your conception what you're looking to find out doesn't require you to do anything but sit tight and wait to see exactly what he is willing to do to show you he wants you back.
It may be a means to getting the answers you're looking for so you can get some piece of mind.
If I didn't have children or if they weren't to soon start school this might be an option...but I doubt it would do much good...other than to make me look like the bad guy.
h is content in his world and believes that I should be content as well. He is who he is and isn't likely to change via threats of me leaving.
I knew what I was getting when I married him...I simply hoped that his promises of things (work) getting better (him having more time) were true.
nice to hear from you but sorry you find yourself still in the muck.
Oh I can so relate to much of what you are saying.
Quote: My brother lived with us for 2 months (May and June) it was great when he was around, both H and I enjoyed his company both separately and together. It let me see a lot of sides of H that I don’t normally see. He was happy chatting to my brother, shooting the breeze etc not just sitting in front of computer all night then turning in. So why can’t he do that with me? Suddenly tiredness or computer stuff weren’t getting in the way and he was able to socialise and be chatty with someone in the evening? Now bro has gone and we have reverted to old patterns and I feel worse. I live with a cardboard cutout of a husband.
doesn't it suck that they seem to need others around to be happy? well I suppose not if they could also show us a smile once in a while...instead of being that "cardboard cut out" h and I did have a couple friend that live in the town next door...it was nice to be able to go out with people or just have them over..he was more apt to stay awake and be sociable then...but of course he wasn't a good friend and now they wont do stuff with us...they will however do stuff with me and though that's great for me it doesn't help get me and h closer.
Quote: The worst thing that has happened lately is that I suddenly feel no longer able to ML with him, I don’t know how that happened, it has always been kind of the bedrock (ha ha) of our relationship and suddenly mentally I am just not there anymore when we ML. I try not to let on because I don’t want to cause huge mind-blowing rows which I know would happen (as have happened in the past just by saying I’m not really in the mood). But I am not in the mood to ML with him I feel like he is selfish and only interested in his own needs I can’t give anymore.
I hear ya on this one too! I however don't mind using him for my needs! that is when he make the effort as I no longer feel compelled to initiate (too many past rejections) but admit that it does all feel rather mechanical and not very connecting anymore.
Quote: Now the really dirty secret I sometimes find myself totting up how much life insurance I would get if he had a heart attack or whatever. I guess that is the lazy person’s solution to this problem (kill him off like a character in a novel).
shamie! shamie! just kidding...I can't say that thought hasn't crossed my mind on occassion..but it's more a...how long do I have to wait it out? oh the shame!
Quote: What I need to do is tackle it, but I can’t. Recently I tried to tackle an issue with him and he became unbelievably abusive towards me, he has never been like that in the past, normally he at least tries to engage with what I’m saying before it degenerates into a row - it’s like he can’t even be bothered anymore.
maybe part of the problem is we are trying to tackle it...it's obvious we shouldn't bother to tackle it with them as that seems to add to the problem. Maybe if we choose instead to tackle our own lives it wont matter much to us what they are or aren't doing and then well a few different things could happen
Quote: We have a vacation ahead of us and I just hope we can be more natural together away from day to day pressures. Like KAW I wonder if a M can survive on vactions alone (can a life be lived that way?)
to mee it seems that vacations are becoming a joke. I used to really look forward to them but now I don't. I don't spend nearly enough time with h to know him and to have him around all day and night for a few days in a row sounds almost torturous. Or of course then I see it as we could have a great time laughing, living, bonding etc only to come back home to nothingness again.
We just had a week of "vacation" together, all of us, at his parents' house. It was wonderful. We had a great time. The kids had fun, H and I had FUN, it was all very encouraging. I think that maybe if we lived in a bubble with no other outside influences, things might be perfect. But, where do we find that? There is no such place. That's not reality. Living your best life in a world full of distractions, bills, neighbors and chores, that's the challenge. That's where you can really find the beauty in life, in and amongst all of the other stuff we do. That cardboard cut-out can only handle the one thing, work. Life as we know it is so much more, and doing it all, or trying anyway, is what it's all about. Being everything to everyone can be a challenge, but what are we here for? That one non-entity called work doesn't love us, can't kiss us goodnight, can't grow up to leave us as a fully formed human being, and if we do a half-way decent job, come back to us over and over and over. Kids, friends, the cardboard cut-out is missing so much and doesn't know it.
Rambling again, but I have realized I am capable of so much more, I just have to get in there and do it.
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
LL..glad to see you are still around..I don't get here much..is that bad or what..
I hear you on your struggles...wish I could tell you the magic potion..but it is not the same for all, as we well know. You are young..you have to make the choices that are right for you...and I have learned that being truly happy is important..not the nice house..clothes.."things"..use your wisdom..your incredible strength..follow your heart..
Mellanie, you are certainly not rambling...there is much wisdom in your words.
Quote: We just had a week of "vacation" together, all of us, at his parents' house. It was wonderful. We had a great time. The kids had fun, H and I had FUN, it was all very encouraging. I think that maybe if we lived in a bubble with no other outside influences, things might be perfect. But, where do we find that? There is no such place. That's not reality. Living your best life in a world full of distractions, bills, neighbors and chores, that's the challenge. That's where you can really find the beauty in life, in and amongst all of the other stuff we do. That cardboard cut-out can only handle the one thing, work. Life as we know it is so much more, and doing it all, or trying anyway, is what it's all about. Being everything to everyone can be a challenge, but what are we here for? That one non-entity called work doesn't love us, can't kiss us goodnight, can't grow up to leave us as a fully formed human being, and if we do a half-way decent job, come back to us over and over and over. Kids, friends, the cardboard cut-out is missing so much and doesn't know it.
that's the thing isn't it?! THEY are missing out on so much and don't know it! trouble is I knew this BEFORE ow, BEFORE da domb, BEFORE h moved out etc...and thought that (as was indicated by him through certain conversations) he had finally realized it too...but alas it seems all lessons learned are easily forgotten!
Rambling again, but I have realized I am capable of so much more, I just have to get in there and do it. I think I've come to the realization that though I may be capable of "so much more" that my h may not be...work just may be it for this seemingly very large chapter of his life...so then what's for me to do about it? live my life and hope that he doesn't find himself in a real mlc somewhere down the line cause this w surely will not hang on through it like so many round here do.
Quote: LL..glad to see you are still around..I don't get here much..is that bad or what..
Hi Sue,
it certainly isn't a bad thing that you don't get here much...means your living your life and enjoying it!
I hear you on your struggles...wish I could tell you the magic potion..but it is not the same for all, as we well know. You are young..you have to make the choices that are right for you...and I have learned that being truly happy is important..not the nice house..clothes.."things"..use your wisdom..your incredible strength..follow your heart.. it is my heart that tells me to find happiness in the "things" that h wishes to provide us with as a token of his love....it is my mind that tells me how foolish that really is and how in the end it is only breaking my heart and soul. But of course my mind tells me that I can give up just yet.
been living my life with my kiddos...going places doing fun things that sometimes keep us out past dinner leaving h to fend for himself (not such a chore with all the leftovers in the fridge). We come home to find him sleeping or on the verge he may or may not help get the kids to bed (as it's often their bedtime when we arrive home) only to shortly thereafter put himself to bed as well.
I'm finding that I don't want to go to sleep at night unless of course h has fallen asleep on the couch...just something irking about the way he sprawls himself over the whole bed ontop of the covers leaving me to make due with the corner and attempt to manipulate the blankets so I can be under them....just growing ever tired of this non existant marriage and wonder why for god sake did I marry this man when I knew very well this is the way he would be?
