nice to hear from you but sorry you find yourself still in the muck.
Oh I can so relate to much of what you are saying.
Quote: My brother lived with us for 2 months (May and June) it was great when he was around, both H and I enjoyed his company both separately and together. It let me see a lot of sides of H that I don’t normally see. He was happy chatting to my brother, shooting the breeze etc not just sitting in front of computer all night then turning in. So why can’t he do that with me? Suddenly tiredness or computer stuff weren’t getting in the way and he was able to socialise and be chatty with someone in the evening? Now bro has gone and we have reverted to old patterns and I feel worse. I live with a cardboard cutout of a husband.
doesn't it suck that they seem to need others around to be happy? well I suppose not if they could also show us a smile once in a while...instead of being that "cardboard cut out" h and I did have a couple friend that live in the town next door...it was nice to be able to go out with people or just have them over..he was more apt to stay awake and be sociable then...but of course he wasn't a good friend and now they wont do stuff with us...they will however do stuff with me and though that's great for me it doesn't help get me and h closer.
Quote: The worst thing that has happened lately is that I suddenly feel no longer able to ML with him, I don’t know how that happened, it has always been kind of the bedrock (ha ha) of our relationship and suddenly mentally I am just not there anymore when we ML. I try not to let on because I don’t want to cause huge mind-blowing rows which I know would happen (as have happened in the past just by saying I’m not really in the mood). But I am not in the mood to ML with him I feel like he is selfish and only interested in his own needs I can’t give anymore.
I hear ya on this one too! I however don't mind using him for my needs! that is when he make the effort as I no longer feel compelled to initiate (too many past rejections) but admit that it does all feel rather mechanical and not very connecting anymore.
Quote: Now the really dirty secret I sometimes find myself totting up how much life insurance I would get if he had a heart attack or whatever. I guess that is the lazy person’s solution to this problem (kill him off like a character in a novel).
shamie! shamie! just kidding...I can't say that thought hasn't crossed my mind on occassion..but it's more a...how long do I have to wait it out? oh the shame!
Quote: What I need to do is tackle it, but I can’t. Recently I tried to tackle an issue with him and he became unbelievably abusive towards me, he has never been like that in the past, normally he at least tries to engage with what I’m saying before it degenerates into a row - it’s like he can’t even be bothered anymore.
maybe part of the problem is we are trying to tackle it...it's obvious we shouldn't bother to tackle it with them as that seems to add to the problem. Maybe if we choose instead to tackle our own lives it wont matter much to us what they are or aren't doing and then well a few different things could happen
Quote: We have a vacation ahead of us and I just hope we can be more natural together away from day to day pressures. Like KAW I wonder if a M can survive on vactions alone (can a life be lived that way?)
to mee it seems that vacations are becoming a joke. I used to really look forward to them but now I don't. I don't spend nearly enough time with h to know him and to have him around all day and night for a few days in a row sounds almost torturous. Or of course then I see it as we could have a great time laughing, living, bonding etc only to come back home to nothingness again.
