Here you still are, and as usual you seem to be in the same place as I am.
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feeling lost, feeling hopeless, feeling like I live with a stranger who sleeps in my bed and occassionaly even has sex with me but is it a relationship? would it matter if I or he were someone else?
Oh I hear you. For many of the same reasons as you I do not go on this board much. It is hard to keep up and I sometimes feel like things get worse when I am here. Anyhow things have been getting a lot worse lately and I feel like I have nowhere else to turn but here.
My brother lived with us for 2 months (May and June) it was great when he was around, both H and I enjoyed his company both separately and together. It let me see a lot of sides of H that I don’t normally see. He was happy chatting to my brother, shooting the breeze etc not just sitting in front of computer all night then turning in. So why can’t he do that with me? Suddenly tiredness or computer stuff weren’t getting in the way and he was able to socialise and be chatty with someone in the evening? Now bro has gone and we have reverted to old patterns and I feel worse. I live with a cardboard cutout of a husband.
The worst thing that has happened lately is that I suddenly feel no longer able to ML with him, I don’t know how that happened, it has always been kind of the bedrock (ha ha) of our relationship and suddenly mentally I am just not there anymore when we ML. I try not to let on because I don’t want to cause huge mind-blowing rows which I know would happen (as have happened in the past just by saying I’m not really in the mood). But I am not in the mood to ML with him I feel like he is selfish and only interested in his own needs I can’t give anymore.
Now the really dirty secret I sometimes find myself totting up how much life insurance I would get if he had a heart attack or whatever. I guess that is the lazy person’s solution to this problem (kill him off like a character in a novel). What I need to do is tackle it, but I can’t. Recently I tried to tackle an issue with him and he became unbelievably abusive towards me, he has never been like that in the past, normally he at least tries to engage with what I’m saying before it degenerates into a row - it’s like he can’t even be bothered anymore.
We have a vacation ahead of us and I just hope we can be more natural together away from day to day pressures. Like KAW I wonder if a M can survive on vactions alone (can a life be lived that way?)
take care
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
