Quote: ... feeling like it wouldn't matter if I suddenly weren't here 'course he may wonder why the beds not made or there's no food or the laundry isn't done or where the kids are but other than that? honestly...
I don't know if this will work for you. but this brought back a childhood flashback...
What if you packed a suitcase for the kids and spent a few days / a week with your Mom. No warning ... just up and left after he'd gone to work. When he discovers where you are, be vague and only let on that you're looking to find some things out...
... and for your conception what you're looking to find out doesn't require you to do anything but sit tight and wait to see exactly what he is willing to do to show you he wants you back.
It may be a means to getting the answers you're looking for so you can get some piece of mind.
In case, you're wondering in my Mom's case, she asked us, How would we like to see Grandma & Grandpa Y. Of course we said "Yeeaaa!" So she packed a couple of suitcases and off we went on a 2,000 mile trek. While I didn't know the particulars, Dad joined us in about a week. When we got home afterwards dynamics had changed and the tension had certainly eased all around.
Now I'm not trying to compare your sitch with my parents, but seeking a mechanism that will inspire change. Having your H leave and come back didn't work for long, what about if you took a surprise hiatus with no word about coming back?
