every once in a while I just take a break from posting on my own thread and tend to either lurk or post in other forums (mostly the infidelity forum) to other folks.
I could say that the during the times that I don't post to my thread things are better but that would be a lie. It is simply that the icky feelings are not right at the surface thus warrenting a vent.
I still ponder every day wtf? I don't know that I will ever loose that feeling and it troubles me even more. It's not just a matter of having patience...after all how much patience can one have with something as significant as their marriage. Sure I can decide to just be happy and accept the status quo but what is that? I'm not some dreamy little kid who wants to be swept off her feet but I also don't want to at the end of the day look at my h asleep on the couch and have a feelings of "wtf are we doing this for?"
I appreciate such things as h saying "I'm tired of being tired" and of course his talk of things slowing down for him soon (ya right) but admit that with each passing busy time these words offer little assurance to me.
I often sit and ponder...if h hadn't of moved out and "only" had the a would I feel differently now? but it's foolish to ponder such things because that isn't the way it worked out.
It is not that I don't on some level understand h's indiscretion it is the fact that I don't understand how he could take it so far. I feel like I've been robbed and there is no replacing the valuables lost in the robbery and even when/if you get back what was lost it's not the same because it's now tainted with the thought of the robbery.
stop signs don't work when your mind works with reason. The only thing stop signs will do is to keep you from reacting to what you feel,know, etc.
I wonder sometimes if the people who have healthy marriages after an affair/seperation etc. are fooling themselves or if it is really possible.
LL........YES..a marriage can be renewed..but it takes 2 people who want it..and it takes sometimes giving more to it than the s is able/willing to return..and most of all, I truly believe, that forgiveness..true forgiveness is the most valuable thing to give to yourself and your s. If you continue to have these unsure feelings, then your gut is probably right, and something is still hanging over your heads... I know you have struggled for a long time, and I wish there was some easy solution that I could offer. Dig down deep and do what you feel it will take to make yourself happy..and in turn your h and your m..I know you can do it...don't live a half of a life..it's not healthy for you or your kids..
Hi! I was typing away yesterday with a very profound response when my computer went into hibernation. Lost it all. I know you wonder if it would have been different if he had never left. I wonder if it would have been better if he had left. He never had to ask to come back. I wonder what it would have been like if I had never let on that I knew about the A. Could I have lured him back more easily if he didn't know he'd lost "face" with me and others he thought he was fooling? I wonder if it would be easier on him to stay if he didn't feel everyone knew his dirty little secret. I don't like that everyone knows about this. And I mean EVERYONE. It's amazing how people I don't even know, know about this. Yuck
The girls and I are currently on vacation, not a REAL vacation, but visiting family and friends back home. We're having a nice time, but I wonder what's happening while I'm gone. My imagination is worse than the reallity I'm sure. Yuck, again.
I'm glad you're not gone. I've taken a break from my thread too, a friend of mine said she'd been searching for my postings and hasn't found me yet, so I'm in hiding for a while, nya, nya, nya.
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
Quote: If you continue to have these unsure feelings, then your gut is probably right, and something is still hanging over your heads
Sue,
that is what troubles me most. Where is the line? how much of it is just my feelings (insecurities, suspisions, fears etc) and how much of it IS my "gut" trying to tell me something just aint right.
hope you're enjoying your vacation and don't let your imagination get the best of you. Instead of letting in run wild with negative things why not choose to think that h is just missing you and the girls and not up to no good like you think.
It's really difficult not to let my imagination take over. A friend of mine just told me that my dear H was at work the day after I left with the girls telling everyone that he was taking off a couple of days and going to KC and wouldn't be available for calls. That's where OW has just moved and taken another job. That was going to be my line. If he went to KC or even continued calling, I was going to have to ask him to leave. Now that she's moved, I was hoping for a new start. But if he's still calling, if he really did go there for whatever reason, I was going to call it quits. Now what? When I asked why I couldn't get in touch with him for 2 days, he told me a really pathetic story about having a rough day at work, going out and getting really drunk and calling in to work sick the next day. He also said he'd been having problems with the new cell phone he had to have and he wasn't getting his calls. Now today my friend told me the story about going to KC. I feel like I have to take a stand for myself. I CAN live without him if I have to. My children and I deserve better than a man who continually lies to us. I had told myself I would be mysteriously unavailable during this trip. So, he beat me to it. But, with him, it's not so much of a mystery anymore.
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
