Quote: LL, I know that you are hungry for time alone with H.
Does it matter to you who makes the initial "time alone" move? That is, if you scheduled it, would it somehow take away from the specialness of it? certainly not. however if it is by my suggestion it is likely to be turned down due to his being too busy or too tired.
What I am suggesting is to tell him that if he is not going to make time for it to happen, that you will arrange it. He can either show up or not. You can make the lunch date at the park and he can either show or blow it off. You can arrange a sitter for Sat night and plan a movie date..he can come or not. doesn't that just put more pressure on him?
Perhaps after seeing you go on with plans with or without him, he would get the drift that you do not intend to either wait for him to make time, or wait AROUND for him while he remains busy.
Whatcha think? I think it sounds great but it is a HUGE risk because making such plans without consulting him is almost the same as me asking only instead of asking and being unhappy that I get nothing I'd in a sense be telling him. It's easier for him to say he can't than to just not show because he can't
I also think that it would have to be a blitz type scenario. Where you plan a lunch date, he blows it off, you say "whatever, your loss". Then plan the movie night that weekend, let him make his decision, again with the whatever attitude. How bout I simply suggest it and if he says no then I still go? Then the next week plan on playing a quick game of cards after the kids go to bed. He can participate or not. so does that mean if he says no I sit at the puter playing solitaire?
I think he both likes and resents the fact that he is in charge of "making time". He likes the control it affords him, but he also resents having to plan his free time out to include Wife Time. all he has to do is accept. I don't know that my suggestion will work, but I told ya I was relentless and I was not going to give up on my sister in suffering. we all have to be a bit relentless to be here in the first place don't we
Quote: but WOULD you have put up with "this kind of rudeness forever?" and what makes you think that "this kind of rudeness" wont still be present if you reconcille and perhaps the only change will be that you no longer make such comments.
LL
I don't know what I would have done about his rudeness if he hadn't walked (perhaps just periodically blown up like I used to), but I did try a number of times to sit down and talk to him about the things that weren't right from my POV, in the way we were relating. of course you did but as you said before all that did was seem to send him toward doing it first (leaving that is) but you don't actually answer my question.
He always replied with things like "What do you want me to say?", or said nothing at all. Then carried on doing the same things. And as I asked what if he comes back and though you've changed in that you no longer make such "I wont put up with this forever" statements but his "rudeness" doesn't change?
Now that he has walked, I am honestly thinking, in between wanting him back, that perhaps if H can 'never' change (that's what HE himself thinks) then it is a blessing in disguise. I *want* TO CHANGE, I know I can change, or at least work on it, I am not interested in being stuck in the same place forever. No sir! neither am I. BUT my h did come home and it seems I am stuck in the same place else be dubbed a waw.
But from what I can tell, H's big changes are to go looking for a more 'compatable' woman out there, that he didn't find in me. Perhaps someone who can tolerate unprovoked blinding rudeness?? Hmmmmm. Good luck to her, is all I can say. and my h went and found someone who didn't care what time he was home or when they spent time together or if he was busy doing other things...she couldn't and shouldn't she had her own h and he was just her landscaper...so you see my dilema.
Quote: How can he be willing to make such drastic changes for her and can't salvage what we have together and do the same at home?
tis the nature of the beast. Think of cleaning something..when it's new you want to keep it clean and it's easier to clean because there isn't all kinds of build up on it, but when it's old and really messy because you haven't cleaned it often enough cleaning it is a chore. A r isn't much different through the eyes of a was.
Quote: He says that he and the OW are just friends, which I think would be impossible.
Oh dear lady, my h too claimed he and ow were just friends (however he admitted to being "in love" with her.) at this point he is willing to call it an a (though not always occassionally he'll say "call it whatever you want").
Quote: I'm venting agan. Sorry.
stop appologizing...have you noticed there's more action on this thread since you started venting on it?
Quote: You mentioned not wanting to seem like a brat. I think I want to be spoiled, in a good way.
we all want to be spoiled to some degree...I spoil my h trouble is he'd rather me not spoil him and leave him alone. I want to be spoiled and he chooses to leave me alone. I don't know if I'd consider taking care of your spouse spoiling though.
Quote: , do you have any plans to take the kids on vacation, or away for the weekend? I'm finding it hard to leave because I keep worrying what he will do while I'm gone. Then I think that he will probably find a way to do it while I'm here, so it shouldn't matter. But I sure don't want to make it easy for him
While we were seperated I went away for several mini vacations with (believe it or not) HIS family and the kids. then when we got back together (several months later) the kids and I went on a vaca to disney with some friends (he was invited but couldn't come cause he was too busy) and I just got back from a vaca with my mother and grandmother. I wouldn't let the worry over what he'll do keep you from enjoying life and getting away...he's gonna do what he's gonna do whether you "make it easy" for him or not.
Quote: So he thinks its about sex and how infrequently we had it, I think if he took the time to talk to me a little more, we'd be having sex more often. No one wants to ML to a person who comes to bed after you've wrestled 3 kids into their beds without help and asks if you're feeling frisky!
sorry, reverse role's here. I always wanted it and he was always too tired etc.
Quote: And as I asked what if he comes back and though you've changed in that you no longer make such "I wont put up with this forever" statements but his "rudeness" doesn't change?
I wouldn't have H back without us working on the R beforehand - that is before moving back together physically. There is much that would need to be addressed, and I couldn't sweep it under the carpet anymore.
Back around New Year, he said he had written me many letters and not sent them, then we exchanged a few emails, but they were not terribly revealing of his mind. Not at all. I still feel I didn't get a fair explanation of what drove him away. Those ridiculous excuses he trotted out at bomb time just don't wash. That was stuff to paint me black to jusify being in love with OW no.1, who he is still not over. Don't know what their status is now.
I used to think that those whose H's didn't leave, or those whose H's came back, were so much luckier than myself. But I can see that without any work on the R, it is useless, or at least no different from my situation, perhaps even more stressful.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Quote: I used to think that those whose H's didn't leave, or those whose H's came back, were so much luckier than myself. But I can see that without any work on the R, it is useless, or at least no different from my situation, perhaps even more stressful.
BINGO!!! though h started his path home by doing some of the work he stopped once the initial rush of reconcilliation ended. I'm not intending to imply that it's not worth it to have him back...I'm simply saying it's not enough that he's back...we've still got some work to do and for whatever reason h is still not ready to face those demons WITH me.
lvnl, Best thing for you to do now is to focus on your own demons and rid yourself of them. H will have to do his work in his time.
I coudn't agree more. Yes, he's here, but he thinks that's enough. That his just being here is enough. He didn't leave, so he hasn't had to do any work to be asked back. So, we've settled back into our old, malfunctioning patterns.
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
kinda let my thread fall by the wayside for a bit as I'm not much into giving a daily play by play (anymore) and sadly most often just use it to vent.
figured I'd stop in (since I have been lurking and posting to others, mostly in the infidelity section) and say howdie, let you all know I'm fine and some of my own little clouds have lifted.
been keeping myself busy with various book discussion groups, activities with the kiddos, adventerously starting a moms night out club among other things.
h is still h, still busy, still tired, still no actual resolving of issues or open clearing of air.
I guess I'm just going to live my life, make myself as happy as I can be and hope that h doesn't just get left by the wayside like my thread.
Hmmmmm. 
Good luck to her, is all I can say. and my h went and found someone who didn't care what time he was home or when they spent time together or if he was busy doing other things...she couldn't and shouldn't she had her own h and he was just her landscaper...so you see my dilema. 
, ya livnlearn is pretty 
