Quote: Maybe some day when he reaches enlightenment, he'll thank you for it
maybe is the problem and of course there's the maybe I just wont give a damn anymore.
Quote: Sorry, this is your story and I'm taking up space here. I'll go back to my own page.
no need to appologize...I don't get around as much as I used to so venting here is fine by me...plus maybe more people may be apt to comment when they realize it's not just LL complaining again.
Quote: Me holding it all in and letting H steer the sinking ship?
why don't we just get off their damn boats and drive our own? I know it's not what we want but it seems to be the only way to live. I don't want someone else driving my ship especially when it seems to be sinking and they don't have the desire to turn the thing around or fix the leak or whatever it is that's making it sink.
Quote: until one of my friends started with " I just want you to understand that I'm only saying this because I worry about you...."
my friends don't often comment but when they do....it's all about take care of yourself, start putting some money asside, don't do anything that will make you look bad and plan for your future. In other words...prepare now to someday leave.
Quote: It's only a week until I go on my trip to MN and WI to visit family. I can hang on that long. Maybe I'll come back with a renewed sense of purpose or at least some relief from the daily struggle.
Quote: I wish my H had done something like that before he decided my friend was more 'fun'.
oh lvnl, you talk to me as if I'm the was, Let's not forget I wasn't the one to have an a (h was), I wasn't the one to leave (h was) I wasn't the one to claim I had never had those feelings for my spouse or that "it" was never there blah blah blah (h was)
Do you not think that I have presented these "what if's" in various wording many times over the years? His response is usually "go find someone better" "why don't you just leave" and a whole slew of other things that make me say to myself "what if I ran away?" "what am I doing here" or he may just sit there and say nothing at all.
So most of the time I don't bother to say anything anymore...why bother.
I say it here because I figure someone might understand where I'm coming from.
I'm not sure that I was insinuating anything in my post to you, but you did say "what if I were the one to have the a and leave?"
Over the years H and I had our arguments where we flung things at each other, as one does. They were said in the heat of the moment. Things like "Don't think I'm going to put up with this kind of rudeness for ever, because I won't!" which my H evidently saw as my threatening to leave him. Methinks he decided to beat me to it.
I asked at bomb time why he had never sat down with me and tried to wrok things out before... he said he had tried.
I certainly don't remember him trying, never spelled things out, but no doubt he thinks that some things he said or did constituted 'trying' in his eyes. I don't know cause he hasn't told me. Whatever, NOT good communication.
I know that things said in moments of lashing out, or sarcastic comments, never fall on fertile soil. I wonder what the contexts of your "What ifs?" in various wordings were?
LL, I am not out of sympathy, just trying to be constructive.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I understand exactly what you are saying. All of the hard work and effort that you have put into this marriage, trying to repair the affair, and getting little, if any, support for your efforts. You can ask those questions until you turn blue, but you might not get any answers except the ones that you make for yourself.
LL-- I too know exactly what you mean. I sat today, Father's Day, after making eggs benedict for breakfast, giving H presents and cards from me and the girls, expecting some sign of ...something. He said thank you to the girls, gave them all hugs and barely looked at me. I expected something more, somehow. Then he fell asleep in his chair in front of the TV. OK, it's HIS day, right? He can do what he wants, but I remember our first father's day, our first mother's day, before D7 was born and how sweet he was and how involved in all that we did. Our first house and how much work we did together on that little house. That's what I want, even if it meant we were back to pinching pennies, at least we were together, a team.
What if I can't make it through another day like this?
What if I can't let go of the anger?
What if, when I go away for 3 weeks, he's not here when I get back?
What if the sun comes out tomorrow and our life turns around?
What if all this work brings a reward greater than I can imagine?
What if I hang on for one more day, then 2, then a week and it's all worth while in the end?
LL, ....only you can decide what's right for you, but don't give up because today is crappy. Like Scarlet O'Hara said, "after all, tomorrow is another day."
Have you read any trashy romance novels lately? I devoured one yesterday. I haven't read one in a long time. I could have been all over H like a wet shirt yesterday if he could have taken the hints. Scary, huh? Weird thing is, he was really nice to me yesterday after my emotional outburst the night before. See, maybe he is a Night in Shining Armor after all.
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
I'm not sure that I was insinuating anything in my post to you, but you did say "what if I were the one to have the a and leave?"
I meant, if it HAD been me would h be just honky dory now as he expects me to be? Would he have even accepted me back? Does he think less or more of me for letting him back.
Over the years H and I had our arguments where we flung things at each other, as one does. They were said in the heat of the moment. Things like "Don't think I'm going to put up with this kind of rudeness for ever, because I won't!" which my H evidently saw as my threatening to leave him. Methinks he decided to beat me to it.
but WOULD you have put up with "this kind of rudeness forever?" and what makes you think that "this kind of rudeness" wont still be present if you reconcille and perhaps the only change will be that you no longer make such comments.
I asked at bomb time why he had never sat down with me and tried to wrok things out before... he said he had tried.
I certainly don't remember him trying, never spelled things out, but no doubt he thinks that some things he said or did constituted 'trying' in his eyes. I don't know cause he hasn't told me. Whatever, NOT good communication.
I know that things said in moments of lashing out, or sarcastic comments, never fall on fertile soil. I wonder what the contexts of your "What ifs?" in various wordings were?
I have stated that our r needs to be worked on. I have requested set asside time for us. I have used analogy after analogy trying to express to him what can happen to a m if you don't take care of it. ie. we have a beautiful lawn..it's beautiful and healthy because it gets watered 2x a day, it gets fertelized when needed, it gets cut each week, it gets sprayed for weeds etc. If h didn't do these things to the lawn sure we may have some green stuff out there but there'd be weeds and dry patches and bald spots and what if it doesn't rain enough? Why is putting effort into having a nice lawn worth it but putting the effort in to a m not?
LL, I am not out of sympathy, just trying to be constructive. not looking for sympathy, but also not looking to be seen as some spoiled brat whose h did after all come home. As I said above, in your case...what if your h does come home but the rudeness you speak of doesn't end and you have nothing to do but not make such statments? Livnlearn
Quote: What if the sun comes out tomorrow and our life turns around?
What if all this work brings a reward greater than I can imagine?
What if I hang on for one more day, then 2, then a week and it's all worth while in the end?
though not easy to do, these are the what if's we should focus on. Unfortunatley the require a whole lot a patience and determination.
I can't be bothered reading a trashy romance novel or even a top shelf romance novel. All they do is present a fairy tail life and if I'm going to read fiction I'd rather science fiction and preferably one that doesn't include a little side romance.
It is not that I'm not a romantic...it is that reading (or watching for that matter) anything romantic only serves to sadden me or piss me off because my life is so far from it (as I suspect most are).
I can't even read posts in SSM anymore as it further depresses me. Some of those folks have an outside chance in hell, because their spouses are making some attempt. There were times when your H did make some effort and it has stopped again. I know how hard this is on you, I've lived with the rejection and pain and know how it makes one feel.
Marriage still takes two and you can only beat your head against the wall for so long before you stop.
