Quote: What if you told him of your 'surprise' a few days in advance so he could arrange to make time for it?
it wouldn't be a surprise for HIM unless it were a concert of his liking or a sporting event...and even then it would depend upon his schedule I'd get a we'll see how the week goes.
it wouldn't be a surprise for HIM unless it were a concert of his liking or a sporting event...and even then it would depend upon his schedule I'd get a we'll see how the week goes.
LL
Ah...interesting point...have you tried that (I'm guessing yes but play anyway)...making the plans centered around stuff that he likes to do?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: Ah...interesting point...have you tried that (I'm guessing yes but play anyway)...making the plans centered around stuff that he likes to do?
can't do it with football since he's already got the tickets (and I'm not included in that ) baseball? would be nice..wanna sell me a pair of your tickets sage??? basketball?? though he will on occassion watch and going is nice...it's not really high on his list. and then I'd be stuck with the tickets.. a concert? well now that I can dig..but again..it's money (not that we don't have it but if he can't make it) spent that he may not get to enjoy...he's not very good at getting home on time even if we have plans. It becomes a hassle for him to get home in enough time to get cleaned up and ready to go so he then doesn't fully enjoy himself becuase it's all a rush rush rush to get wherever it is.
This is not a man who just avoids or doesn't make the time to do things regularly with me...this is a man who opts out of friday night family (his family) functions (with invitations that come a month prior) because he just doesn't have the time.
Sounds like nothing works, you're not happy, you don't know what to do, H doesn't care....so relax and just live your life and leave it all alone.
it does sound that way doesn't it? AND it did sound that way prior to ow and seperation, d threat and all that but h always claimed to be ok. Aparently he wasn't. so then am I to just be happy and ASSume that he's happy and things are ok despite the fact that things seem much like they were before?
Can you do that?
I do my best but what kind of a m is that?
Cathy
P.S. How old is your H?? And you?? I am 31 and h? well how old is he now? 35. Been married 6 1/2 years, dated off and on 9 years prior to m. 2 kids 5 and 2 1/2. H started his business 15 years ago
You do sound a lot like a close friend of mine, who's been married close to 25 years and IS still complaining how H won't do this with her, won't do that with her, yet her H manages to keep himself busy doing the things he likes to do...paintballing, hunting and sleeping. Every single time we get together she complains and complains and I'm thinking "shut up" look at what I'VE BEEN THROUGH in the last year..she could care less about me or how I'm doing. Not that it matters or that it matters to me, BUT things COULD be soo much worse.
Years ago she arranged for one night a week to do something with her H. My friend wanted to come watch me and some of our other friends play softball. Her H came with her and the next thing she knows her H is coaching our women's softball team.
LL, you are soo young, your H has a business, you're lonely, two kids....what's going to keep you from walking away some day?
Quote: I do my best but what kind of a m is that?
I don't know about this either, aren't all marriages a little different? Who says all marriages should be alike, what works for one couple might not work for another couple. Are you looking for the storybook marriage? What "kind of m" do YOU want and then ask your H what kind of M he wants...will they be the same?
Have you come right out and asked H if he was happy? Maybe he is and maybe he isn't. Sounds to me like he is happy. Right?
I don't know about this either, aren't all marriages a little different?
Yes they are all different
Quote: Are you looking for the storybook marriage?
certainly not...I may be young but I'm not naive
Quote: What "kind of m" do YOU want and then ask your H what kind of M he wants...will they be the same?
in some areas they would be the same in others maybe not as much but the given answer from h seems to depend on what day you ask.
Quote: Have you come right out and asked H if he was happy?
I asked him plenty of times before the a, during the a (before I knew about it) and have asked since. His answer was always yes. But does someone who's happy in their m have an affair and then leave. That would clearly indicate unhappiness to me..and since things aren't much different than they were then why should I assume he's happy now?
LL just wanted you to know that I'm listening. What's the secret, huh? I asked the question "wouldn't it be the pits if we made it through this and I ended up the WAW?" We want to make ourselves as "attractive" as possible to our Hs and wonder what are they doing for us. He admits I'm working at this more intently than he is, but does nothing to meet me in the middle.
And, another thing, are they really as busy as they say they are? H gets called into work an awfull lot, so much that it makes me doubt that he's really going to work. But then, when it's really work, I come off as the spoiled brat because I make a face or roll my eyes when he says he's been called in. It's your own fault buddy!
Didn't mean to vent, just to acknowledge. Take care.
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
Quote: He admits I'm working at this more intently than he is, but does nothing to meet me in the middle.
Mellanie,
It's funny that you make this comment because my h too admitted (at one time) to not giving it his all. A while after his return home I was getting fed up (what else is new) with his seeming lackluster aproach at repairing our m...I had asked for simple defined things from him and wasn't getting them...I had had enough and called a d lawyer for myself. The night before I was supposed to meet with the l h made this statment "I don't blame you, if I had been putting forth as much effort as you have and been getting as little in return I'd probably want to give up too" of course he then went on to say he wasn't sure what he wanted to do..knew that he couldn't really ask me not to go to the l but didn't want me to go..he also at that time still didn't know if he fully wanted to vest himself in the m either though. I think he forgets that he has actually made such statments when he now decides to make statments like "no matter what I do it's never enough" etc etc.
There are times when I feel like h does want this m and there are other times well I feel like h just came home to "do the right thing" for his children and of course me since I'm part of that "family" but not that he truly came back out of a desire to have a life with me.
On that note, I don't know that I will ever fully trust h. There's always something telling me he's not the honest man I thought him to be and that his indiscretion was not a one time (one person) thing. Perhaps this feeling would be lessened if h were more vested in the r but who knows.
I occassionally consider having him followed but know that now is not the time to gather evidence as now is not a time that I'd do much about it anyway.
I know what you mean. I've heard it and I've felt it all here too. I haven't been to a lawyer, D is not what I want and don't even want to get started down that road. But my friends all think that I am fooling myself, that I'm being used and taken advantage of. Last night my girlfriends and I went to a movie, left H with the kids. Had a fun time until one of my friends started with " I just want you to understand that I'm only saying this because I worry about you...." and there it began. He's using you, he'll do it again, he doesn't respect you, he has all the power, etc.
It's so hard to keep a pma and take the high road, etc when all of my friends think I should cut him loose and get on with my life. What life? This is my life.
Yesterday I was determined that this was MY choice to be here and I was going to stay the course and follow thru. Today I feel like I can't go on another day like this. I just want it to come to a conclusion. Are we going to move on together and make it better, or are we going to go on like this forever. Me holding it all in and letting H steer the sinking ship?
It's only a week until I go on my trip to MN and WI to visit family. I can hang on that long. Maybe I'll come back with a renewed sense of purpose or at least some relief from the daily struggle.
Sorry, this is your story and I'm taking up space here. I'll go back to my own page.
Good luck and give yourself credit for doing the toughest thing you may ever have to do to keep your family together. That's the goal right? Maybe some day when he reaches enlightenment, he'll thank you for it.
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
) baseball? would be nice..wanna sell me a pair of your tickets sage??? basketball?? though he will on occassion watch and going is nice...it's not really high on his list. and then I'd be stuck with the tickets..
