I'm not an expert in this area, but thought I would add a thought or two.
- I agree that your husband's problem is not on the same scale as actual infidelity with another person. Trust me, I am the victim of my WAW's infidelity (she is divorcing me to live with her affair boy) and it's like comparing a bullet to a atomic bomb in my mind.
- However, with that said, I think it's still something to address. The reason I say this is reading I have done and posts I have seen -- that when a spouse uses another source (books, magazines, web sites, videos, etc) without the other spouse, I can see how some damage is done. It may be subtle or not even recognized but I can now see how it could be done.
- For example, if your husband is using other sources to deal with his sex drive, the use of these will actually somewhat reduce his sex drive for you. The Marriage Builders web site talks about this. For example, think of sex drive as steam pressure that builds up. If he's "releasing steam" without you, there's some less pressure for him to have sex with you. This can be bad, if he leaves you wanting more, and he's expending this "extra" drive on something else. If he's using up his sex "pressure" without you, and you want more, engage him to have sex with you more often.
- Note I do not consider it acceptable in ANY way for the spouse to expend this drive with ANY other person, whether remote (via a camera), chat, email, etc. However, if he's expending this sex drive with no other person involved it might be more of a gray area.
- Oddly, there is a case I've heard of where expending a spouse's extra drive or pressure in this way might be helpful. If you were an army wife, and your husband was away for months at a time, and the only way you could deal with your sex drive was through one of these other non-person methods, it might be a way to productively "let off steam" since your husband was away for so long.
- However, these methods can also be dangerous if they lead to the spouse getting involved in more and more extreme desires. Sex drive is a dangerous thing and tough to keep balanced. You might want to see a good professional's advice on this subject (Divorce Busting or Marriage Builders).
Just some thoughts. My world view has been shattered by my wife (who I trusted 100%) -- her affair & associated divorce really having me reassess all of my beliefs. It's a personal 9-11 that has me rethinking a lot in its wake...
It gives me a whole new understanding of the old school days concept of "man's inhumanity to man". I've been told an affair to a close relationship is the worst thing that can happen to a person inside, outside of wartime, and I can believe it. I've been through some amazingly dangerous but heroic situations in life, and nothing compares to the damage and suffering I feel now.
So, yes do learn more about how your husband's habits should be handled -- but do so with patience, knowledge and guidance. Best wishes.
