I'm 24 and will have been married for 8 months on Friday. My h and I have been together for 9 years. About two years ago I found out he had been looking at porn on the internet, which to me is infidelity.
Hi rache,
I'm sorry for the pain and confusion you are going through. I think I understand a great deal of what you feel, having gone through similar things myself. This post may seem a bit abrupt, maybe even insensivite, but I'm past sugarcoating these days. Please take anything that helps from it and disregard the rest. I am just going to write what I think. I am not going to go back and revise to make it more tentative, or more about me so I don't sound like a know it all, or more sensitive, or whatever. So, please just remember I am not judging you. The words below are my advice coming from my position, my advice may or may not be good advice for you. Of that, I am in no position to tell.
A bit of background, I'm getting divorced after a 16 year marriage. I got married at 24. Early on, I discovered H had made a phone sex call. He dismissed it as experimenting, I did too. Many years later, I discovered a long standing phone sex/internet porn addiction. He swore off it, it came back, I could never get past it or forgive him.
Men looking at porn is not infidelity. Men are visual creatures. Do you enjoy torrid romances or erotic stories? Women are more aural creatures. Men looking at pornography do not emotionally invest in the women. If it makes you feel insecure, that is something within YOU. He is not doing anything to YOU by looking at porn. If you keep yourself in the place of the victim, your marriage has little chance of surviving.
It came out in our discussions that he felt like he had missed out on a big part of life by not having sex with lots of grls when he was younger (although he did have a "relationship" with another girl during a brief breakup). He said he loved me and wanted to marry me, but wished that we had met each other later in life. He said he would never acually cheat on me, but that he was really interested in having sex with other women, that he always would be, and that I would never find a man who wasn't.
All men fantasize about having sex with other women. All women probably fantasize about having sex with other men. The great thing is that he can be direct and communicate this to you. He has shared a regret, but does not say that he would change things. YOU are worth it to him. That is a wonderful thing. Rather than be hurt by this, you might try to view it as an opportunity to discuss how to avoid infidelity, how to be sure you meet each others needs and communicate when urges arise to keep your marriage strong. Your husband took a big emotional risk by telling you this stuff. He is invested in your relationship. Value that.
We reconciled, he promised he was done with the porn, but refused to budge on (to me, at least) this larger issue of wanting to sow oats. So we got married. This morning I was doing a virus scan on the computer, and noticed as it was flipping through the files that there were cookies for all these websites in a folder: asianmatchmaker.com, penthouse, etc. There was a huge range of dates, so he has obviously never stopped looking, and has been lying to me for years. So I confronted him about it, and he says it's a compulsion, he can't help it, he wants to stay married, so on. But he still feels the same way about other women and regrets not getting more action.
Repeat comment above. Quit feeling hurt. Appreciate his honesty. Figure out a solution. And quit worrying about the porn, watch it with him even. Give him permission to enjoy it.... If it is an addiction for him, that is his problem which you can't fix. You can only either accept it or not. But, don't hold it over his head. Stay or go.
I peronally am not interested in being married to someone who says he will always want to be with other people. How do you guys see this? Am I a prude? Is his "philosophical infidelity" something I should be concerned about? Personally, I feel like this prolonged dishonesty is reason enough not to want to be married anymore. I can't see how I will ever be able to trust him again. What do you think?
Your standards are your standards. You have every reason to demand a partner who you trust and respect. If you are unwilling to try to trust and respect your husband, then leave. If you are willing to try, then look for solutions. Do something now, whatever you do. The seeds of resentment and distrust will only grow overtime and undermine every part of your marriage if you do not.
In the meantime, I'd suggest you seriously ask yourself why his viewing porn is a problem for YOU. How much is it about how you think you are SUPPOSED to react? How much is it about what you think he'll think about you if you don't have a problem with it? How much is it your own insecurity? How much is it about your own unhappiness with your partner and you looking for something to blame it on?
There is so much behind what I have said, and I don't have the time or energy to post it. I very very rarely post anymore. I know you hurt, I know you feel your world spinning away. Now is a real opportunity to get your own world under your own feet and see where the marriage falls. I wish you the best.
