Desire and other validation of self.

[Bube]

MM,

I like the way you think. I haven't read PM, but if this is an example of what's in it, maybe I should.

Actually, I never thought of it that way. If I ask her what the problem is, the onus is on me to address/correct/respond to whatever she comes up with. If I just tell her what I want/need, the onus is on her to do something - or not. Assuming that she has something she believes to be a legitimate reason, she could lob it back to me by telling me that she would like to meet my needs, but can't because of blah, blah, blah. But even in that case, rather than just saying, "What do I have to fix?", I'm putting her in the position where it's clear that SHE is making the decision. Good thinking!

WB

[InherJourney]

Down with the tyranny of the frigid minority! Smash the Berlin wall of low desire! Vote YES for sex!

MM... too funny... J

[sat567]

. We can tolerate the idea of a spouse stricken with low desire , but we are wounded by the notion that our spouse is choosing not to have sex with us. But, then we remember... we are people with free will also (we differentiate). We can choose whether to remain married or emotionally committed to someone who is choosing not to have sex with us.

Wow, Mojo...PM in a nutshell. That was awesome.

and then:

Love, like liberty, only truly belongs to people of free will who are willing to stand up for their rights.

This statement, and the subsequent sentences you wrote, make me want to stand on my bed, naked, with a USA flag hanging on my big ol' hard-on, the flag billowing in the breeze, with the "Battle Hymn of the Republic" playing on the stereo. My W, walks into the bedroom, a look of panic and concern on her face as she sees the spectacle before her. "Salute it!" I yell at her. She is frozen in place. "Salute it, I say! Men and women have died for this star spangled banner, and you are just standing there. See how it waves proudly? Quick, before it goes to half mast! Sing with me! Glory, Glory, Hallelujah!"

So, anyone got one of those little 2 inch by 3 inch flags?

Hairdog, who really does appreciate what Mojo wrote.

[NotATLDave]

I'm putting her in the position where it's clear that SHE is making the decision.

wildebube,
This is the major theme in Passionate Marriage. There are a number of folks on this board, myself included who are finding results with this book. It's the one book that works when your spouse doesn't give a rat's hiney about changing anything. It explains everything that you might be experiencing and can even explain some of the stuff your spouse is doing. Though, technically, you shouldn't care. It just seemed to make all my anxiety go away and gave me a clear understanding of what *I* did to cause our marriage to be in the state of trouble that it's in. It' on a level below "love languages" etc.

When I came to this board, I started trying the 5LLs, avoiding Love Busters, trying to do 180s, changing my appearence etc. I was burning the candle at both ends with a blowtorch and nothing changed...as a matter of fact, things got worse. Why? Because I wasn't being true to the self that my W was attracted to when we married. I simply stopped all of that craziness, took hold of my anxiety, stopped worring what my W was thinking, had a short "talk" with her and then left the ball in her court. She rose to the occasion.

But what is miraculous about PM is that it showed me how I impact all my personal relationships...work, parents, friends, etc. with similar behaviors. I've actually applied the same principles in other parts of my life with great success.

I (obviously) highly recommend this book.

[Bube]

Dave,

This is good info. I was planning on finishing SSM last week, but things came up and I never got to it. Based on what you've told me, I think I need to pick up PM and start it as soon as I finish SSM.

Thanks.

wildebube

[MJontheMend]

make me want to stand on my bed, naked, with a USA flag hanging on my big ol' hard-on, the flag billowing in the breeze, with the "Battle Hymn of the Republic" playing on the stereo.

Double dog dare ya. ROTFLMAO


Seriously, I was making the point that we all know where the power lies in a SSM. How have people responded successfully in history when they are down in the mineshaft making 2 cents an hour, forced to grovel at the Queen's feet to avoid beheading, or imprisoned for making inflammatory remarks. Everyone on this board who is trying to hold on to a scrap of sexual dignity while only receiving one mercy handjob every blue moon should respond in the same manner. Man does not live on bread alone. Take a deep breath and Sing the Body Electric until you are hoarse.

[honeypot]

Sing the body electric; Mo I haven't read those words for years!
I was 20 the first time I read Whitman and I felt as if I had finally read someone who understood ME and what made me tick.

So how are things going for you? Is Mr. Wilson home yet?

HP

[MJontheMend]

Hi HP,

Mr. Wilson is still on the road. We've been having good phone convos and I'm confident things are on the right track. As you can probably tell from my recent posts, I would be confident things are on the right track even if he was being supergrump. I am feeling like a woman in charge of her sexual destiny .