Desire and other validation of self.

[NotATLDave]

I'm putting her in the position where it's clear that SHE is making the decision.

wildebube,
This is the major theme in Passionate Marriage. There are a number of folks on this board, myself included who are finding results with this book. It's the one book that works when your spouse doesn't give a rat's hiney about changing anything. It explains everything that you might be experiencing and can even explain some of the stuff your spouse is doing. Though, technically, you shouldn't care. It just seemed to make all my anxiety go away and gave me a clear understanding of what *I* did to cause our marriage to be in the state of trouble that it's in. It' on a level below "love languages" etc.

When I came to this board, I started trying the 5LLs, avoiding Love Busters, trying to do 180s, changing my appearence etc. I was burning the candle at both ends with a blowtorch and nothing changed...as a matter of fact, things got worse. Why? Because I wasn't being true to the self that my W was attracted to when we married. I simply stopped all of that craziness, took hold of my anxiety, stopped worring what my W was thinking, had a short "talk" with her and then left the ball in her court. She rose to the occasion.

But what is miraculous about PM is that it showed me how I impact all my personal relationships...work, parents, friends, etc. with similar behaviors. I've actually applied the same principles in other parts of my life with great success.

I (obviously) highly recommend this book.