Quote: We are to become more differentiated, which means less reliance on others for validation.
That's true. Note the bolded part of the sentence.
Quote: So seeking the desire of another is NOT differentiated. So I should stop worrying about the desire of another.
Not quite. NEEDING the desire of another, for the purpose of DEFINING yourSELF is not differentiated. Yes, you should stop worrying about whether your W desires you for now and concentrate on defining yourSELF within yourSELF and FOR yourself, so that you do not DEPEND on validation from your wife in order to "see" yourself. Maybe this is where you're getting hung up. What you're striving for here is to know who you are, and be cool with that, without being dependent on what your WIFE "approves of" about you to tell you who you are. Does that make sense?
Quote: 1) To differentiate my self I must not want the validation(Desire) of my spouse.
You're confusing validation with desire. They are NOT the same thing. Does this help remove some of your confusion?
Quote: 2) It is a violation of my inegrity to be married to someone that does not want(desire) me.
This is almost certainly true.
Quote: 3) But ending my marriage for not receiving desire means that I want desire, which prevents me from being undifferentiated in #1 above.
Scratch #3 off the list entirely, it is useless as a point. Ending your marriage is NOT your only option, even if your W doesn't suddenly jump up and down with desire for you (and she almost certainly won't, at first anyway). OF COURSE you want desire, but WANTING and NEEDING (as part of your self-definition) are two different things.
The thing that will tell you that you are on the right track is when you become more interested in examining yourself and your role in the marriage than in pining for desire and validation from your wife. You will become less needy and more introspective. It will feel as if a great weight has lifted from your shoulders, and you will suddenly see things in a new and different light. You may even be able to see things from your wife's POV.
