I am having trouble with desire and other validated sense of self as described in PM. We are to become more differentiated, which means less reliance on others for validation. So seeking the desire of another is NOT differentiated. So I should stop worrying about the desire of another. So I guess I need to work on NOT wanting the desire of another. But then a PM is described as a marriage between two that DESIRE each other. Our own integrity should prevent us from staying married to people that do not desire us. Afterall, would it make sense to marry someong that you know does not desire you. So after 15-20 years, is that really any different, should a person belittle themselves by staying with a spouse that does not desire them?
So here is where I get confused:
1) To differentiate my self I must not want the validation(Desire) of my spouse. 2) It is a violation of my inegrity to be married to someone that does not want(desire) me. 3) But ending my marriage for not receiving desire means that I want desire, which prevents me from being undifferentiated in #1 above.
I was thinking about this in the midde of the night as I lay far away from my wife in bed. She came to bed and said goodnight and then rolled to her side clear up against the side of the bed with her back to me like she does EVERY night. So there I am thinking that I want to touch her, and yet, the little voice in my head says no. I tell myself that I need to wait for her to make the move on me, which of course will never happen. I then tell myself to stay cool, she probably won't touch me, and I need to somehow be ok with that. Now I could alter the situation by actually tap her on the shoulder for sex, but that violates my integrity since that would feel like me using her body, even if she gets into it. So there I am thinking that I can stay close to her without gettting to upset, but at the same time thinking that I can not stay married to a women like this that does not desire me. So on the one hand I think I am differentiating, but at the same time Not differentiating, and then feeling bad about the whole situation. I just can not resolve this catch-22 in my head.
