I actually ran into H on Friday, and was going to give him my new cell phone number. He said don't worry about it, he "knows how to get ahold of [me] if [he] needs to". I'm not sure what that means, he seemed really reluctant to want the new number, so I passed it off as no big deal and didn't even write it down. Other wise, he gets ahold of me by calling me at work or stopping by the house.

I'm trying not to read too much into not wanting the number, too, but you know how easy THAT is. *snicker*


Weekends make me itchy and aggitated. I know time we're spending apart could be time we're using to work on our R and friendship.

I don't know what H was up to this weekend, but I thought about him the entire time. I don't even know when I'll see him again, that bothers me. He's been coming over on Monday nights after drills at the firehouse, but I don't want to ASSume anything else, or get my hopes up.

Had a pig roast for MY fire department yesterday and it was good. For some reason it feels much more lonely and achey when I'm in a big group of people. Then H's lack of presence hits me worst, and I get teary. We sang around a campfire when it got dark, though, I got to vent my feelings about H in twangy country sounds. It helped a tiny, tiny bit.

I've been ASSuming all day long, today, too. I'm trying SO hard to stop. Bad thoughts have been running through my head, wondering who he's with and what he's doing. I didn't like the ideas that popped into my mind, trust me. I'm not sure why I can't let it go. I wanted to drive by his house and see if he was home SO badly, but I didn't give in to the temptation.

I drove around other places, and wasted a full tank of gas. I couldn't find anything to occupy my time and my mind wouldn't shut off long enough to sit down in one spot for too long. I hate not having any plans.

I have to stop and remind myself that all this crap going on is inside MY HEAD. There's nothing wrong with H and I so far other than the obvious, just what I've been inventing inside my little mind and fretting over and worrying about.

Last H and I left off on Monday, he didn't want to tell me things he couldn't come through with anymore. He'd been "thinking" about things I said to him the day before. No reason to belive he didn't think on the things that may help draw him back to our R, too.

Make Miss Pessimist go away! Make my mind stop it!