H came over tonight, again. We went to the grocery store, came back to my house, and split a sub sandwich.
We didn't ML, which was nice. We had a nice talk, though. He mostly talked and I mostly listened, but it was nice. I enjoyed listening to him and being with him.
During our conversation, he mentioned something I said to him last night struck a cord with him. He figures I've been through enough and while he enjoyed last night and wants to spend time with me, he'd rather not feel pressured to make plans, because he doesn't want to let me down if he can't keep them.
Basically, he said he's been doing it to everyone, not just me, and if I'm okay with him just popping over or getting together like we have been, that he'd appreciate it.
I told him it was fine with me, no pressure. I thanked him for being honest with me, something he's not done in a long time; even if I saw a glimmer of it last night.
I wonder if him coming over regularly will be a thing, now. I'd love it, if it were.
The fact he came over tonight says a WHOLE lot, I'm just way too tired to explain why tonight. I'm happy he did, though, and think things are going good.
Hey, how do I relax enough to realize that this process is going to be a long haul, not a quick thing? I seem to constantly over-think what he said verses what he meant and all that other stuff.
I had a panic attack this morning because I can't shut my mind down enough to just BE and know that this is going to take TIME.
Like I said, at this point and time H does NOT want to get back together. I need to just relax and allow myself to DB my butt off to see where our recent-but-ample time together leads to.
I actually ran into H on Friday, and was going to give him my new cell phone number. He said don't worry about it, he "knows how to get ahold of [me] if [he] needs to". I'm not sure what that means, he seemed really reluctant to want the new number, so I passed it off as no big deal and didn't even write it down. Other wise, he gets ahold of me by calling me at work or stopping by the house.
I'm trying not to read too much into not wanting the number, too, but you know how easy THAT is. *snicker*
Weekends make me itchy and aggitated. I know time we're spending apart could be time we're using to work on our R and friendship.
I don't know what H was up to this weekend, but I thought about him the entire time. I don't even know when I'll see him again, that bothers me. He's been coming over on Monday nights after drills at the firehouse, but I don't want to ASSume anything else, or get my hopes up.
Had a pig roast for MY fire department yesterday and it was good. For some reason it feels much more lonely and achey when I'm in a big group of people. Then H's lack of presence hits me worst, and I get teary. We sang around a campfire when it got dark, though, I got to vent my feelings about H in twangy country sounds. It helped a tiny, tiny bit.
I've been ASSuming all day long, today, too. I'm trying SO hard to stop. Bad thoughts have been running through my head, wondering who he's with and what he's doing. I didn't like the ideas that popped into my mind, trust me. I'm not sure why I can't let it go. I wanted to drive by his house and see if he was home SO badly, but I didn't give in to the temptation.
I drove around other places, and wasted a full tank of gas. I couldn't find anything to occupy my time and my mind wouldn't shut off long enough to sit down in one spot for too long. I hate not having any plans.
I have to stop and remind myself that all this crap going on is inside MY HEAD. There's nothing wrong with H and I so far other than the obvious, just what I've been inventing inside my little mind and fretting over and worrying about.
Last H and I left off on Monday, he didn't want to tell me things he couldn't come through with anymore. He'd been "thinking" about things I said to him the day before. No reason to belive he didn't think on the things that may help draw him back to our R, too.
Make Miss Pessimist go away! Make my mind stop it!
Girl, OMG I know how you feel. I have had to find serious ways of getting the thoughts to stop.
I recently found out that the whole thing with B was over another woman. He finally admitted it after all these months. He says he's in love with her, they are not "together" but he wants to get to know her alot better. They have been intimate, she is married to a soldier who's in Iraq right now..she moved to Seattle, but they talk everyday. He is thinking about moving up there with her, and if he does, that's the last me and my kids will see of him. Whether that's good or bad for us, I don't know.
He still calls, we still get together. The other night it led to sex. He initiated a conversation that was flirtatious in the first place, then when it came to the sex, he was hesitant and I encouraged him just to be spiteful. Things are getting weird. When I invited him to a welcome home party for one of our friends, he said he didn't want to come if he had to see me hanging all over some other guy (he thinks I am in a relationship with one of my friends, but I'm not and I told him so). He is so jealous of this one guy I know that he went into a bar where this guy hangs out just so he could get a good look at him and start a conversation. He was never jealous of me when we were together, but now he is, even when he claims he's in love with this other girl. I don't get it.
But I can't think about it or it will drive me nuts. So I occupy my mind in other ways. But don't drive around, Aeryn, cuz gas ain't cheap!!! Anyway, good luck with this. Keep an eye on him...don't let him get away with anything. Be untameable, girl. Don't fall into the same ruts that lead to the downfall of the first relationship. Y'all are different people now, so do different things. Good luck again, and I'll check in with ya in a day or three!!
