I'm finally making the move over here. I've been contemplating it for some time, but now things feel right and I'm ready to make the jump.
Ex-H (I still call him H, it's easier) and I have been divorced for about two weeks, now, but H seems to be showing a glimmer of reconnecting and coming back into my life as a force. The question is, does he know it, yet?
The day of the D, I asked H not to dissapear from my life, fulling expecting he was going to do just that. After 8 months of him telling me what I wanted to hear, blowing me off, and lying, I was sure he was going to head for the hills and never look back now that he finally had his freedom.
Imagine my surprise when less than a week later he showed up at my door, just to say "Hi". And when he showed up four days after that, to invite me to come watch him march in a parade as a member of our local fire department.
I'm very much intriqued by his sudden change of attitude. He used to get irritated with me if we happened to bump into each other at the gas station before the divorce. When he first walked out on me, he tried to ignore me for three weeks. After he finally half-assedly explained our marriage was "over" as far as he was concerned, I wasn't allowed to contact him or see him in any way. We spent a good majority of our separation living totally separate lives, the way WAH wanted it.
There is another woman in the picture, his best friend of 15 years. H used to live with her and her boyfriend, but has since moved out. I call her "Friend That Hates Me", or FTHM for short. She's basically a force behind H's personality change and our divorce, seeing as she paid for the papers to be filed. A serpent's tounge in his ear, making our fixable M problems way worse than they were.
I'm not sure if H is slowly coming to see how controling FTHM is and is standing up to her little by little, or not, but I do know that he's damned well aware of the fact that she disapproves of me in his life.
He seems to be ignoring her opinons, this time around, though. One can only hope.
Right now, H and I have a date for tomorrow. He called me at work this morning to firm up plans, which is unlike the alien H had become. Our plans are to watch him in the parade, meet back at my place and then go for a hike. Then he wants to cook me dinner at his apartment, which I've never seen before. Then he said we'll "take it from there", and see how our night progresses.
I guess I'm hoping this new thread will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. If H is ready to stand up to FTHM and bring me back into his life, I'm willing to SLOWLY work with him to regain my trust in him and possibly rekindle our relationship.
However, it's up to H. I can move on with him or I can move on with out him.
Aeryn!!! I know I caught some of your first posts. Welcome!!! I have lurked on your thread. I know you have been through so much. Well, let's see what comes your way now!
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
Thanks, I'm very satisfied I finally decided to come over.
I'm re-reading DR right now, trying to get some ideas on how to DB today. I've got a lot of good points to go from, seeing as H is doing something he is and SHOULD be proud of. I can let him know how proud I am of him, too.
So. Last night. Interesting. It ends better than it starts out, so keep reading.
It started off fine. I watched him march and came home to meet up with him. As I was worried, he never showed. It was 4:30, the parade had ended at 3, and I got pissed off. I marched my ass down to his house, pounded on the door, fully intending to give him a piece of my mind.
He wasn't home, but he was at the fire station down the street after the parade. I figured he must have been there if he didn't go home, and found him eating a burger and drinking a beer. He seemed surprised when I showed up, but I played it cool and didn't make a scene.
I hung out for a while with people I know, and in the end, H started gravitating toward me. I had a couple of beer and got my tongue more loose than it should have been, we were jabbing at each other every time one of us moved away from the group's hearing shot. I was snarking at him, making comments about how he blew me off again, like I knew he would. He was snarking back replies I don't recall but weren't very good.
Eventually, we headed to his place. Me under the guise of "my car's parked at your place". I was livid, I was enraged, and I wasn't going to take it any more.
I reamed him a new one. About how I know he had no intention of following through with our plans and how I'm sick of him treating me like crap and like less than a human being. He tried to lie to me about how he was going to pick me up after the party was over, and blah blah blah. I looked him straight in the eye and told him I wasn't going to believe a word of his BS anymore, and I was sick of being used.
And that's when it came out, in a flood:
He said he looked for me on the side lines and he didn't see me. When he didn't see me, he got upset and decided he wasn't going to come pick me up, to get back at me. He claims that the last parade he asked his dad to come watch and his dad didn't show, either.
He said he'd "looked and when I didn't see this face (at this point he was touching me face, of course), I got upset. I wanted someone to come see me, not just my grandparents. They go to all the parades anyway, I wanted someone there for me. When you didn't show, I was hurt."
We talked about it, some. Mostly just me validating that I was there, and I wouldn't have missed seeing him for the world. I told him he was standing two guys in front of Station 2's lieutenant, and he was horribly out of cadance. And that his right boot lace was untied the entire time, but some how he managed to keep a neat and clean appearence. He chuckled a little bit, but it was obvious he was still upset.
We talked it out. I explained to him that now he knows how it feels when he does it to me, and it sucks. I wouldn't do it to him. We smoothed things over and talked out our "relationship" some, about how FTHM's feelings on us upset me, that he was listening to her so much, things like that.
He listened. I think he understands. I don't think it will change anything right away, but hearing me out is a first step. His dealing with it internally is the next.
I tried not to have sex with him, I honestly did. I even told him several times I wouldn't, because I feel horrible afterward when I over-think the situation. He said he wouldn't ask me to sleep with him and he didn't want me to feel that way, but he had a crappy day up until we talked and he wanted me to spend the night, anyway, even if we didn't have sex.
He made me dinner and then we went into his bedroom to talk some more. We were getting sleepy from the beer (coming down off the buzz), and he wrapped his arms around me and snuggled up behind me and I couldn't help myself. I was falling asleep and it felt warm and good and I turned around to kiss him. That was it.
We spent the night cuddled up in his bed, making love on and off, and just got up about an hour ago so he could head off to work.
I think he understands how I feel, a little better. He was honest, showing real emotion about being upset with me, and I didn't let him off the hook or use it as an excuse. I just hammered home the point that now he knows how I feel when he does it to me, and how it's a horrible feeling.
He's supposed to be calling me later on to make plans, we'll see how that goes. I still don't trust him, of course, and I'm still leery, but...who knows.
I don't know how to feel, but I do know I enjoyed spending time with him, even if the first part was pretty disgusting.
No, it's not a problem with us. Recently I've been so hurt by H saying one thing and not following through, I've gotten gun shy. Since he's left 8 months ago, he's told me he'll call me, said he'll "be in touch" about plans, things like that, and not come through.
I don't know why he didn't just think that I was in a place where he didn't spot me. Instead he ASSumed I wasn't there.
I validated. I told him that I wouldn't have missed it for the world because I'm both proud of him and I told him I'd be there, so I was. I reminded him that I've always kept my word to him, if he'd take a moment to stop and think about it. I told him the stuff that I wouldn't possibly have known if I hadn't seen it, and he seemed to relax a little, although it was clear he was still hurt.
After we discussed it and H had dinner ready, we put the issue behind us, and tried to enjoy the rest of our night. He says he was looking forward to our "day" together all week long and that friends from work were asking him why he seemed to be excited instead of his usual "I don't want to be at work" attitude.
I'm still over-thinking why H would go through all this convoluted BS of being romantic, telling me things the way he did like that, and making date-like plans with me if he's not missing me, rethinking where we are.
He swears up and down he doesn't want to get back together, and yet as we were making love last night, he brought up the first place we kissed and some other good things about our relationship. Made me melt inside, it did.
But then, too, he was hitting on a friend of mine right in front of me when I first showed up at the party (before we cleared up the misunderstanding), I wonder if it's because he's actually ready for another R and I'm just sex to him, or if he was just trying to make me jealous as another "get back at you" thing. He gave her his number on a piece of paper and she gave it to me, because she isn't interested in being more than friends with him. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't relieved.
Maybe I should not think about it, it twists my insides up.
Anyway, I noticed H had the Christmas gift I gave him on a shelf in his bedroom; it's a cherry wood statue of a chinese dragon. That made me feel good, I told him so.
Quote: He swears up and down he doesn't want to get back together, and yet as we were making love last night, he brought up the first place we kissed and some other good things about our relationship.
Maybe it's not you he's trying to convince--maybe it's himself.
Quote: I'm still over-thinking why H would go through all this convoluted BS...
Careful--it will give you a migraine. I know it sucks, but try to see what you have with him right now as nice, and not expect anything more. He'll be able to sense that attitude, and it will get his attention. The less you pursue him (even in your mind...it sort of trickles out in your actions) the more he will want to get close to you.
I know it sucks, but try to see what you have with him right now as nice, and not expect anything more. He'll be able to sense that attitude, and it will get his attention. The less you pursue him (even in your mind...it sort of trickles out in your actions) the more he will want to get close to you.